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News Roundup

  • From the “Get A Rope” Department – A man in New York has been ordered to spend weekends in jail for four months and to pay $17,000 to replace the bronze grave markers he stole from veterans’ graves last year.  I say he got off light.  Personally, I think he ought to be bronzed and placed at the gate to the local military cemetery as a warning to other scumbags.   Next to it, I want the owner of the scrap yard that took the markers without noticing things like ranks, campaigns, and dates for birth and dates.  If he knew what he was taking, he’s the scum of the earth and needs to be drug behind a deuce and a half through an old impact zone on Fort Ord.  If he’s too stupid to know what he was looking at, then he needs to be taken out of the gene pool before he breeds.
  • From the “Good Luck” Department – Panama City, Florida, a destination for spring breakers and a place on my map to avoid while we wend our way to our vacation spot this summer, has designated the entire month of March as spring break, and will be enforcing a new law that outlaws alcohol on pubic beaches and liquor sales after 2 AM.  For those of you who have led a good life and don’t know this, college students and sneaky high school students tend to flock to beach resorts to spend money and kill brain cells during spring break.  Panama City has been plagued with this yearly invasion for several decades, and it would appear that the seedier crowd is taking over.  Multiple rapes and other crimes were reported in the past few years, and this appears to be an attempt to reign in the crazy.  I wish them luck, and look forward to more reports of drunken teenagers getting into trouble next spring.
  • From the “Good Advice” Department – A police department in Massachusetts has advised citizens to not chase bears through the woods, drunk, and carrying a hatchet.  I wholeheartedly support this viewpoint.  Getting that drunk is not good for you, running with a hatchet is never a good idea, and it’s probably not good for the bears to have that much alcohol in their snacks.
  • From the “Cloudy Water” Department – A spearfisher in Florida recently used a video camera to document an encounter with a 12 foot great white shark.  He claims that the shaky video is because he was trying to juggle his spear, a bag of fish, and the camera, which is wholly believable.  Why else would you be shaking, crying, and messing your wetsuit when a large apex predator is checking you out like you were the meat lover’s pizza on a buffet?
  • From the “Hope and Change” Department – Giggles, a one year old pig, is running for mayor of Flint, Michigan.  His qualifications appear to be that he’s not a money hog, doesn’t have a criminal record, and will not feed at the trough of special interests.  His opponents are attacking his candidacy, asking if he knows about clean water and fiscal policy.  That, of course, begs the question of how much they themselves know about such issues, but I digress.  Confidential sources tell me that Giggles will be getting several endorsements from public sector unions, which are used to getting into bed with swine.  DaddyBear’s Den endorses Giggles’ candidacy, and I wish him luck as he tries to turn Flint into a real sty instead of a figurative one.
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1 Comment

  1. I beg to differ, if they chase bears through the woods, drunk, and carrying a hatchet, Darwin is going to win!!! 🙂

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