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News Roundup

  • From the “Dumbass” Department – A man in Colorado was arrested hours after he allegedly robbed a bank wearing a shirt with his name on it.  Reports are that he will be clothed in jail with an “I’m with Stupid” shirt, only the arrow will pointing up.
  • From the “Been There” Department – A woman in Washington was arrested recently when she failed to stop for a police officer.  What drew the officer’s attention was her boyfriend taking a flying leap out of the car to avoid arguing with her.  All I can say is that I know the feeling.
  • From the “Demon Rum” Department – A man in Washington was arrested when he broke into a home and refused to leave, all while taking drinks from a bottle of whiskey.  It appears that Otis thought he was at a a friend’s house, but missed his turn and was 10 miles away from his expected destination.  I’m assuming that he brought the booze with him, since I expect that a teenager seeing someone drinking his father’s whiskey would have put that knife to good use.
  • From the “ChooChoo” Department – The Obama administration has decreed that railroads must use stronger rail cars to transport flammable liquids such as crude oil.  Railroads will have two years to comply with the new regulations, which mandate phasing out older cars, added armor on new cars, and bags of kitty litter strapped to the sides.  If only there were a way to move mass quantities of liquids from one part of the continent to another. You know, like a line of pipes, with these stations that have pumps.
  • From the “Oopsie” Department – A woman in California had a surprise recently when a large advertisement banner fell on her house.  It appears that the banner, which was advertising for an insurance company, broke free from the plane towing it.  No word yet on casualties, although there are unconfirmed reports that the pilot was found badly bruised and covered in gecko bites.
  • From the “Callback” Department – In my last roundup, I talked about the vials of smallpox virus that were found in a defunct lab. Now, the same scientist who found that cache of doom has repeated the feat.  Over 300 vials of pathogens were found at a NIH facility in Maryland, and the government has promised swift action to make sure such things never happen again.  New federal guidelines forbidding the cleaning out of storage rooms have already been drafted and published.
  • From the “Knowledge is Power” Department – A Pennsylvania woman is facing jail time after being arrested in New Jersey for having her gun on her with hollow point bullets in it.  While I believe that the law is garbage, I have to side with New Jersey on this one.  If the law is on the books, then she ought to have known it and planned accordingly.  Your concealed carry license is only good in the states that recognize it, and you have to follow the law when you travel.  If her concealed carry instructor didn’t tell her that, then shame on both of them.
  • From the “Conundrum” Department – A judge in California has found that state’s death penalty unconstitutional due to the long wait that condemned prisoners go through while their multiple appeals go through.  You see, it’s cruel to execute them immediately after trial because they have the right to appeal their conviction, but it’s also cruel to make them wait until all of the appeals that they initiate wend their way through the governor’s office and the courts.  Wait, what?
  • From the “Self-Inflicted” Department – A woman in Florida has been awarded $23 billion in a lawsuit against a tobacco company.  It would appear that her father never bothered to read the side of a pack of cigarettes, read the newspaper, or watch the TV news after 1952, so he did not know that cigarettes were bad for you.  While he did try on multiple occasions to quit, he was never successful.  While I feel for her, and I believe that at least a few generations of tobacco company executives were slime, nobody put a gun to his head and told him to light up.
  • From the “NIMBY” Department – A shooting range in New York, which had been in business for 73 years, was recently shut down after the utility company that owned the land terminated its lease.  It appears that pressure on Con Edison had mounted over the years as homes were built next to the range.  My question is this:  If you don’t want to deal with the noise and such that such a facility brings with it, why did you build a McMansion next to it in the first place?  Then again, I was raised right and have common sense, so maybe I’m asking too much here.
  • From the “Hypocracy” Department – First Lady Michelle Obama, taking a break from her hectic schedule of spot checking the consistency of the gruel fed to school children, recently had a bit of cognitive dissonance.  During a speech when she decried the influence of money in the political process, she asked her audience to “write the biggest, fattest check” they could.  In follow-up comments, Mrs. Obama decried the violence in Ukraine, then asked the audience to “kill a Commie for Mommy”.  She also suggested that they support the Palestinian movement by keeping kosher, and to help the President advance his gun control agenda by joining the NRA.
  • From the “Hubris” Department – A man in Maryland was arrested after talking trash on social media over whether or not the police could catch him.  Remember, pride goeth before the fall, and, to paraphrase Chris Rock, if the police have to come looking for you, they’re bringing an ass-kicking with them.
  • From the “Customer Service” Department – A used car dealership in Florida decided to refund a customer the cost of some repairs, which should have been covered under warranty, with pennies.  The woman had complained to the DMV about the companies refusal to cover labor on the repair, and the DMV had ordered the refund.  While perfectly legal, this shows just how little the company cares about people buying cars from them.   Hopefully making them famous on the web will help others avoid them, and hopefully the owner comes down with a bad case of ocular hemorrhoids.

1 Comment

  1. A real bunch of wieners…

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