• From the “Look at me!  Look at me!” Department – North Korea has decided to take its semi-yearly temper tantrum and crank it up to 11.  The communist government has cut the communications link that connects it with the South Korean government and has put its rocket forces on a war footing.  Kim Jong Un, the new leader of the worker’s paradise, has appeared in photographs in front of maps that show North Korean missiles targeting Guam, Hawaii, and cities on the American mainland. South Korea and the United States are currently in the middle of a military exercise, which the North claims are preparations for war.  Officials are concerned that Kim Jong Junior might have cranked things up so far that he can’t back down for fear of looking like even more of a jackass.  I’d suggest that pamphlets be blown over the demilitarized zone telling the North Koreans that if they don’t back down, then they’ll be in deep kimchi.  Of course, considering the diet of the average North Korean, that might not sound so bad.  Personally, I don’t think he’s got what it takes to pull the trigger.  You hear that, you inbred, bucktoothed, moonfaced son of an illegitimate psychopath?  You don’t have the balls to launch those missiles.  I don’t even believe they’re real.  I dare you to cross the 38th parallel. No, I double dog dare you.  You don’t have a hair on your butt if you don’t start lobbing No Dong’s into the Sea of Japan by sunset tomorrow, you big wuss.
• From the “Cry Me A River” Department – The lawyer for a man who was convicted of luring a 15 year old girl to a vacant house and assisting in her rape by multiple assailants is crying foul after his client was sentenced to 25 years in prison.  Apparently, the other people involved in the crime pled guilty and were given less prison time.  The judge seems to have taken into account the fact that the man knew the victim, enticed her to the scene of the crime, and helped commit the crime.  All I can say is that he’s lucky to be alive and not have pieces lopped off.  Yes, he didn’t actually rape the victim, but if he hadn’t have participated, then she wouldn’t have been raped.  The answer to someone getting more time for a crime than his accomplices is not to reduce his sentence, but to stop handing out less time to the others.
• From the “She’s a Very Freaky Girl” Department – A woman in South Carolina has caught the ire of her neighbors after decorating her yard with baby dolls that have been staged to look like they are being executed or tortured.  You know, I always thought Tuesday and Morticia Addams were compelling female roles too. 
• From the “Dumbasses in the News” Department – A TSA worker at JFK Airport in New York ‘accidentally’ sprayed his co-workers with pepper spray from an object that he found and thought was a laser pointer.  You know, it’s always a good idea to pick up random objects that you think will shoot out a coherant beam of light and point it at your co-workers while trying to activate it.  I guess if you want to cripple American passenger air travel all you have to do is seed the security checkpoints with shiny objects that disable the TSA agents.  In other news, a television commentator, who was sitting on a panel of pundits discussing the squeaky-round-ball tournament, stepped on his schwanz by saying that he was only there to give a “white man’s” perspective.  The rest of the panel appears to have been made up of people whose ancestors hailed from Africa.  After social media lost its collective shit, the commentator apologized and admitted he was stupid. Rumors that have been reported to me say that he has been nicknamed “Token” by his peers, and will soon be receiving a phone call from President Obama expressing how overjoyed he is to see the color barrier in basketball punditry broken.  And finally, a Congressman from Alaska has come under fire for using the perjorative term “wetbacks” to describe the Mexican laborers who worked on his families tomato farm when he was growing up.  The congressman has apologized and said that he meant no disrespect.  He states that he bears no prejudice toward Hispanics, and that there is no room for bigotry or discrimination in his heart, for he dislikes everyone equally.

• From the “Found Treasures” Department – Workers at a recycling center in Sweden had no use for that morning coffee to wake up the other day when an old lady came in to donate a grenade.  Imagine their surprise as they went through the usual newspapers, magazines, tin cans, and plastic containers to find something that goes boom mixed in.  No-one was hurt, and police took the device away for destruction.  I should start a campaign telling Swedes that if they want to turn in explosives, I’ll be glad to take them off their hands.  It’s just my way of helping the planet.
• From the “Facepalm” Department – An elementary school student in Michigan got in a bit of hot water the other day when other students noticed a small handgun in the tyke’s bookbag.  We all like to point and laugh when a school administrator or a teacher freaks out over a child pointing his finger like a gun, or drawing a gun, or even chewing up a pastry to look like a gun, but I don’t have a problem with them reacting to an actual gun when it’s in the possession of an unsupervised small child.  No word on where the gun came from in the report, but something tells me the police are going to be having a discussion about safe storage and gun safety with this kid’s family.
• From the “Atomic Facepalm” Department – Residents of Newtown, Connecticut, are rather perplexed that the NRA would use automatic dialers and recorded messages to try to convince the townspeople to oppose new gun legislation.  Newtown, you will remember, was the scene of a horrific shooting in December that has been the spur for new anti-rights legislation at the federal level, as well as in several states, including Connecticut.  Now, I’m against these new bills as much as the next guy, and I support the NRA using my membership dues to try to convince people in battleground states to stand up for their rights.  But a little research and a little discretion should have been used in this instance.  Giving the anti-rights crowd yet another thing to grasp upon to make all gun owners look like insensitive, blood thirsty clods isn’t exactly helpful.
• From the “Legal Beagle” Department – The Supreme Court has ruled that the police need a search warrant in order to use a sniffer dog to look for evidence of a crime in a home or its immediate surroundings.  This could be useful to gun people in hostile places.  How hard would it be to train a dog to sniff out gunpowder, BreakFree, or the smell of burned propellants?  At least so long as they’re following the law (I know, I know), they would have to get a warrant before bringing in Officer Fuzzie.
• From the ” Consequences” Department – Mexico has been losing business as a tourist destination lately.  The country, which is racked with violence between drug gangs and the government, is in danger of falling off the list of top places where people go to spend money on cheap booze and chachkis.  Violence that was once isolated to the American border has spread to resort areas like Cancun.  Maybe if his daughters can’t safely go to Mexico on their vacation, then the President might start to think about changing his approach to drugs.  Remember, every bullet fired in this particular turf war is fired because Americans like their intoxicants and the American government likes telling people which intoxicants they can use.  Find a way to safely legalize the drugs, and all of this dries up in a matter of weeks.
• From the “Fringe Benefits” Department – A retiring county administrator in California appears to be set to receive at least as much as she did when she was working, a whopping $423,664 a year.  That figure includes longevity and performance bonuses, even though she won’t be working for the county anymore.  I always knew I was in the wrong business.

Note – I apologize for the many issues with spelling and format.  Hopefully I’ve corrected this enough.