From the “Kachoo!” Department – The National Park Service predicts that Death Valley could go through a rare ‘superbloom’ this spring. All of the factors necessary for the desert to burst forth with pollen flowers have lined up in recent months, so I expect to start seeing panoramic pictures of valleys carpeted in allergies flowers to blanket social media. This phenomenon will likely be followed by the Great Yellowish Green Cloud that will inundate either Los Angeles or Las Vegas a week after all of the flowers dry up and die.

From the “Symbolism” Department – A crown, previously worn by the wife of Napoleon III, was damaged during a recent robbery at the Louvre. The crown, now dented and broken, is expected to be repaired and put back on display. European institutions expect to put in about 10% of the cost of reconstruction, but are waiting on reception of funding and material support from the United States before starting work. If you’re looking for an allegory for European sovereignty and government, here it is. Hopefully, while they’re repairing the crown, Europe can repair its collective spine.

From the “What a Country” Department – A Russian standup-comic was recently sentenced to several years in prison and a fine for two jokes. The first joke had to do with a legless skateboarder, while the other appears to have poked fun at Christian symbolism. Who would have thought that an autocratic government, which admires and emulates Stalin’s methods for dealing with dissent, wrongthink, and just looking at them weird, would harshly punish someone for, possibly, tasteless jokes. Mr. Ostanin will have a lot of time to work on material for his next one-man show, which this reporter has heard will be named “Boy, Did I Misread The Room”.

From the “Tenure” Department – A 90 year old teacher in Michigan was awarded a Guinness World Record recently. The young-at-heart English teacher is being celebrated for 67 years, and counting, in teaching. I applaud this young lady for her tenacity and grit, and suggest that all who read this contact the Nobel committee. Anyone who puts up with teenagers for 67 years deserves a Peace Prize.

From the “Roll Out the Barrel” Department – A Wisconsin highway was recently closed when a semi-truck dropped 264 barrels of God’s real purpose for grain onto the roadway. Local officials spent several hours getting all 192 barrels cleaned up and transported to a safe location. No word yet on what will be the ultimate fate of the 96 barrels of beer, but sources say that the home opener for the Milwaukee Brewers is going to be, in the words of a sheriff’s deputy, ‘lit’.

From the “Winged Hussars” Department – Wildlife officials in Poland recently rescued an escaped emu. The feathered friend was frightened by fireworks and had hidden in the forest. The heroic bird is being sped to Vienna, where it plans on a spring and summer of training and enjoying nature before its big day in November.

From the “Yawn” Department – A flock of sheep recently invaded a grocery store in rural Germany. The wooly ragamuffins went into the store in search of snacks, but stayed because they liked the inclusion of both Rammstein and Mozart in the store’s muzak. Local authorities describe the experience as tiring, and plan to give a full press conference once they wake up from their afternoon naps.