Guys, remember, if today truly is the rapture, do something good for yourself after noticing that some of your neighbors are missing.  Something like arming yourself well for Ragnarok, then visiting your local spirits vendor.  What’s the point of having to fight your way through Armageddon if you can’t do it carrying your grail gun and having a bottle of your favorite booze in your ruck?

“Will I be better off with these freaks in charge than the bastard who’s there now?” 

Michael Z. Williamson, in reference to the “Occupy Something” demonstrations.

• When the semi in front of you on the highway is being pushed around by the wind and is sporting HAZMAT placards for both radiological and corrosive cargo, then maybe you should get around them as soon as it’s safe.
• If it ain’t rainin’, it ain’t trainin’!
• If you don’t want to be shot at by OpFor, then make sure they know how to tell you from the good guys when you walk around in a firefight so you can observe your troops.  
• “Safety Kill” my ass.  If you’re still pulling the trigger, so am I.
• Getting shot repeatedly at close range by multiple paintball guns in the dangly bits puts a whole new spin on the evening.  Next time, wear a cup.
• My magical talent appears to be always being able to find the mud puddle that’s full of sharp things to fall into when I’m shot.
• Here’s a hint:  Don’t piss off the guy planning your training scenarios. He has the power to choose the big fat Norwegian over the skinny little Hispanic guy to be the wounded prisoner you have to carry/drag to cover in order to treat and interrogate.
• Kicking said big wounded prisoner and demanding he get up is only going to disincline him from helping you drag/carry him to cover.
• I’ve known people who spoke seven languages.  I’ve known Airborne Rangers and SEAL’s.  But I’ve never met anyone talented enough to get a HMMWV stuck in a mud puddle on a gravel road before tonight.  Bravo!
• You know you love your wife when you come home on a cold, dark night, soaked to the bone and covered in paintball marker and mud, and you change clothes out on the porch before you come into the house.  But at least she knows you weren’t out all night drinking beer.

No, you don’t need to patch your systems, fix the known security bugs in your app, or turn on your firewall.

No problem.

Just leave me alone with your network cards, a pair of snips, and a soldering iron for a few minutes, OK?

• Sometimes being a packrat is a good thing.  When the washing machine breaks down on a Friday night, you look like a genius when you still have the washing machine you bought when you were single tucked away in a corner of the basement.
• Good:  Putting out six lawn bags full of clothes, two boxes of books, three old computers and monitors, a dresser, a headboard and footboard set, and two computer desks for pick-up by a charity.  Not so good:  Your spouse noting that we now have a lot of room for new stuff.  Sigh.
• Maybe going to the Apple store to get the laptop serviced during the first weekend after an iPhone rollout wasn’t my best idea ever.
•  I’m a Halloween person, I really am. It’s the one day of the year I can be me and no-one thinks it’s strange.  But when did Halloween turn into a “schlep six buckets of lights, blow-up lawn ornaments, and assorted other crap into the yard and set it up” holiday?
• This was early muzzle-loader weekend here in Kentucky, but it was way too windy and way too warm.  Yeah, I’m a wimp.  In penance, Irish Woman worked me like a field hand all weekend.

• If your breakfast was a bag of potato chips eaten with ketchup and mayonnaise (not me, I promise), then don’t be surprised that you’re drinking water like there’s no tomorrow.  Also, please stop sharing.  Really, just stop.
• If you find a problem during testing, but don’t tell anyone about it, you forfeit the right to be outraged when the same problem causes issues after the production rollout.
• Yes, water is falling from the sky.  Can we at least go as fast as the speed limit?
• There are precisely 5 people on the planet to whom I have granted the privilege of telling me what to do in exchange for a paycheck.  Odds are, you’re not one of them.

My new short term goal is to reach a point in my life where I can treat the children like children and the adults like adults, and expect that they will each act accordingly.

When painting with a three year old, you should be aware that they are influenced by the Impressionists, Jackson Pollack, Picasso, and Salvador Dali.  You will not see much from the Renaissance or Dutch masters.  Easily recognized forms and structures will not be evident, but taken as a whole, their work is quite complex and satisfying when posted on refrigerators and cubicle walls.

• Waiting until the day of a security audit to address issues that were pointed out to you a month ago does not make for a happy DaddyBear.
• Calling DaddyBear into a jury selection on a Monday afternoon, followed by calling him back the next morning to tell him if he’s on the jury, followed by sending the jury home 5 minutes after announcing the selection doesn’t do much for DaddyBear’s attitude either.
• When you are openly hostile to the judge as you are being considered for a jury, please remember that 12 of us are going to have to deal with the damage you leave behind.
• It is never a good sign to see two uniformed police officers leaving a courthouse carrying a baby wrapped in a police coat.
• There must be a way to mathematically model the relationship between a given location’s distance from the center of a city and the number of flashing ambulance and police lights that you see as you drive.  I see maybe one policeman and one ambulance a week out in my sleepy little area.  I swear their density grows logarithmically as I get closer to downtown.
• To the nice lady in the Subaru Forester with all the peace signs and COEXIST stickers: you’re going to miss that finger when it gets broken off by a side mirror.
• If I can hear you eat while I listen to Metallica on my headphones, your mother just didn’t raise you right.
• The left turn lane is for turning left people.  It’s not a passing lane so you can make a right turn sooner.
• The work is done when it is done.  Asking me for a status report every 5 minutes is not going to hurry it up.
• Being married to an Irish redhead is sometimes like being Inspector Clouseau and paying your servant to try to kill you so you keep your edge.
• Coming home to Eskimo and Butterfly kisses, eating a warm meal, and making banana bread is a great way to end a very long day.