Haven’t done one of these in a while, so let’s have some fun:

From the “Fashion Police” Section – A leader of an Afghan terrorist organization was caught recently while dressed as a woman.  Reports are that this is a common occurrence.  My guess is that he was captured because no woman would wear a navy blue burqa with tan boots.  Guys, our fashion sense just isn’t good enough to pull this off.
From the “Animal Commerce” Section – A group of scientists at Yale University are studying whether pictures of a female monkey or an alpha male attracts them more from one type of food or another.  I’d love to see the write-up for that grant.  “We would like to see if male monkeys would rather eat food that’s advertised using pictures of sexy females or the food that’s advertised with pictures of the monkey Marlboro man.”
From the “That’s Funny, Ours Can Reach Tehran from Minot” Department – An Iranian official has admitted that Iran’s missile forces, including the Shahab-3 and Sajjil, can reach Israel and U.S. assets in the Middle East, and they have the ability to build missiles that go much further.  Dude, you don’t want to get into a pissing-for-distance contest with the U.S. over whose missiles have the longest reach.  SAC had perfected ways to hit targets in that neck of the woods before this guy was a twinkle in his father’s goat’s eye.
From the “Need More Bullets” Department – The latest in a rash of smash and grab mob attacks struck a store in Atlanta on Tuesday morning.  My guess is that the store was closed in this occurrence, but other attacks have happened while stores are manned and taking care of customers.  My recipe for taking care of this problem is a castle doctrine, steady firing position, good sight picture and alignment, breath control, and trigger squeeze.  You can’t tell me that this kind of crap would go on when people started getting shot while flash-mob-robbing the Banana Republic.  Some will argue that a shirt isn’t worth killing someone over, but I’ll retort by saying that a shirt isn’t worth dieing over.
Finally, from the “Need More Crazy Glue” Department – A hotel in Austin, Texas, has announced that it will be replacing over 1000 glass panels after several of the existing panels fell and broke on Monday.  My guess is that they need to move their adhesive up from chewing gum and duct tape to Gorilla Glue.

From the Crime Blotter:

Police in Pennsylvania say they may have inadvertently burned $8000 in cash that was seized in an arrest. When a judge ordered them to return the money, they somehow were unable to find it.  Something tells me Christmas parties in 2009 and 2010 kicked ass!

A substitute teacher in Georgia was arrested after he allegedly went to the back of his classroom and urinated into a garbage can while class was in session.  Maybe he’d lost the hall pass?

In Nebraska, three people were arrested on suspicion of stealing used cooking grease from restaurants.  My gut tells me that some of the grease came from a Dunkin’ Donuts, and the police just had to follow their noses.  And I guess it’s hard to make a clean getaway when you’re stealing old used grease.

In other news:

There’s a bear in Washington State that needs to turn his guy card in.  Apparently he was chased up a tree by a teacup poodle.  Now, little dogs can be mean as snakes, and they don’t know they’re little.  But being treed by an appetizer would be embarrassing.  And the dog is named “Shmoopy”.  If that’s a male dog, don’t be surprised if it hangs itself one day.

A recent study of Extra Sensory Perception (ESP) shows that it doesn’t exist.  I don’t know how, but I knew that was what they were going to say.

Scientists believe that there may be as many as 400 billion homeless planets in the galaxy.  These are planets that for one reason or another were ejected from the star system that created them.  Something tells me that when humans start exploring interstellar space for real, the line “That’s no planet, that’s a space station!” will be the proximate cause of more than a few beatings.