- From the “Mace is a Condiment” Department – A study has shown that for people suffering from nasal inflammation the use of nasal sprays that include the active ingredient of hot peppers could bring relief. I expect that police unions will come out against this. Who wants to have a product on the market that Mookie can use to do the iocane powder routine against Officer Friendly’s pepper spray?
- From the “Jewelry for Cancer?” Department – A first grader in Texas has been suspended because he wears his hair long and is wearing a diamond earring in violation of his school’s dress code. His mother claims he’s growing his hair out for Locks of Love, a charity that provides real hair to make hair pieces for cancer patients. I’d probably buy that and condemn the school if it weren’t for the diamond earring. Take the shiny tackle out of the boy’s ear and we’ll talk about feeling empathy for him. Ask me sometime about my experience with dress codes, a diamond earring, and a small scar I have on my earlobe. It’s a riot if you like Clint Eastwood movies.
- From the “This is my Shocked Face” Department – A former TSA agent has admitted in federal court that she used her position to assist a drug smuggler in evading airport security. Shocked, yes shocked, I am that another TSA agent has been caught breaking the law. Why, everyone knows that the government spent massive amounts of time and money to properly organize the TSA and does a thorough screening and monitoring job of its employees. How could something like this happen again and again and again?
- From the “Apples to Oranges” Department – Former Vice-President Al Gore recently made comments comparing the global warming debate to the American civil rights movement. Yeah, because police in the American Southeast are using firehoses to keep Prius owners down. Oh, and the federal government is sending the 101st Airborne Division to make sure that climate scientists aren’t forced to publish their raw data. Mr. Gore, do us all a favor: Go home, drink a bottle or two of wine, and spend the evening polishing your Nobel Peace Prize while cruising the Internet you claim to have invented.
All posts in category news
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on August 29, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/29/news-roundup-94/
News Roundup
- From the “Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator” Department – Fire officials in California are predicting that a tank full of liquid propane that has been on fire will soon explode after seeing signs of melting and cracking. They worry that when that particular train car blows up, it will take the cars and other gas storage equipment around it along for the ride. Thousands of homes have been evacuated. Reminds me that I need to double-check our bug out bags. Disasters don’t just come from Mother Nature.
- From the “Right to a Cavity Search” Department – The government has issued a new set of rights that airlines will have to respect when dealing with their passengers. They include increased allowances for people who get bumped, more transparency about fees on websites, and restrictions on keeping passengers sitting on the tarmac during delays. No word yet on dignity, personal space, or that pesky 4th Amendment.
- From the “That’s a Good Thing” Department – David Berkowitz, also known as the “Son of Sam” killer, has decided to not seek parole after 34 years in prison. He believes that it is unnecessary since forgiveness of his crimes by Jesus Christ has already freed him no matter where he is. While as a Christian I believe that divine forgiveness is available to anyone, I don’t think parole is in the cards for Mr. Berkowitz, so this is a pretty safe thing for him to say. Seriously, Mr. Berkowitz, Jesus may love you, but everyone else hopes you die in a fire.
- From the “Stop Breathing So Deeply” Department – The Russian Progress spacecraft that was ferrying supplies to the International Space Station crashed in Siberia after failing to reach orbit. I hope that the ISS was built and provisioned by preppers, because it’s a long way to Kroger from low earth orbit. And you thought having a couple of weeks worth of food and water in your basement was a pain in the neck.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 24, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/24/news-roundup-95/
News Roundup
- From the “Schlong Becomes Schlort” Department – A Kentucky man is suing his urologist because the doctor removed his penis when cancer was found during a circumcision. Every man reading this just crossed his legs. But imagine coming out of surgery, and having your little soldier gone completely. No reports yet if the suicide hotline will be called as a witness.
- From the “Going to Hell on a Scholarship” Department – A Florida man is being charged with animal cruelty after running over a group of baby ducks with a lawn mower while laughing. That’s right. He turned baby ducks into MiracleGro and appeared to be having the time of his life while doing it. I suggest we bury him up to his neck and see how he likes it. No word yet on whether or not he will be referred to the urologist from Kentucky.
- From the “Who Let Him Out of His Cage?” Department – Reporters are charging that Chinese officials got physical when they tried to get journalists to leave a venue in which Vice President Biden was speaking. I hate to tell the Chinese this, but taking away his audience isn’t going to shut Biden up. Seriously, he’s really just talking to the voices in his head.
- From the “Officious Prick” Department – A terminally ill woman in Oregon was told to shut down her backyard garage sale when some soulless neighbor called the city to complain. Someone needs to tell the city managers of Salem the difference between legal and just. And someone needs to find the neighbor who called in the cancer patient’s attempt to raise some money to stay off the public dole and beat them with the passenger door from an 1974 Ford Grenada until they grow some compassion.
- From the “Yeah, That’ll Work” Department – President Obama has signed an executive order that calls for the Syrian president to resign, orders the government to cut ties with the Assad regime in Syria, and imposes economic sanctions against Syria. This follows the glorious example of the sanctions that Jimmy Carter imposed on Iran in 1979, which quickly led to the fall of the Khomeini regime and made Iran a shining example of democracy in the middle east. And of course we all know how economic sanctions and diplomatic isolation has made North Korea a paragon of liberal deomocracy and an economic powerhouse. Something tells me the best thing we could do for the protesters in Syria would be to airdrop in pallets of AK-47’s, RPG-7’s, and boatloads of ammunition, then make popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 18, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/18/news-roundup-96/
Busy little minx, isn’t she?
A woman in Louisville was arrested today for committing eight robberies since Saturday. Her targets included a gas station near where I work, as well as several restaurants in the area. She apparently robbed several places, then changed her hair style and color, then robbed some more.
Just imagine if she’d put all of that thought and effort into finding gainful employment. The mind boggles at how much better off she’d be if she’d gotten a job and stuck with it instead of becoming a full time guest of the criminal justice system.
This points to one of my opinions about life: Most of the crime is committed by a dedicated corps of dirtbags. Most people are too busy getting through job, family, school, or whatever to be such a nuisance to their neighbors. There will be a few pikers who occasionally flout the law, but the majority of the time police spend investigating crimes is dedicated to the problems caused by a small minority of our citizenry. Just my opinion, but I keep seeing things like this to back it up.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 16, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/16/busy-little-minx-isnt-she/
News Roundup
- From the “Live Bait” Department – A man in Washington state was arrested after being spotted fishing nude on Sunday. Having enjoyed fishing for a good part of my life, all I can say is that he took a big chance putting the wrong worm on his hook. Also, some of those fish he was trying to catch have some pretty sharp spines, and you don’t want some of the parts he was exposing to turn red and swell painfully, trust me.
- From the “Happy Birthday, Sweetheart” Department – A woman in Montreal is complaining because her estranged husband put a 20 ton boulder on her driveway for her birthday. Apparently this isn’t the rock she was looking for. On the bright side, he remembered her birthday, and he just added something to my bag of tricks for my ex. Thank you, sir!
- From the “Be In By Dawn” Department – A teenager in Houston has been arrested after attacking a woman and claiming to be a 500 year old vampire. Son, I knew Dracula, I worked with Dracula, and you’re no Dracula. Put down the teenage sparkly vampire romance novel, get a real job, and let time suck the life out of you before you decide if you want to do this for five centuries.
- From the “Willard” Department – New York City residents near Grand Army Plaza Park are reporting an increase in the number and size of rats in the area. Something tells me that if NYC would relax their onerous gun laws a bit and let some 12 year olds go down there with .22’s, this problem would disappear pretty quickly. Nothing improves marksmanship and reduces rodent populations like two boys trying to show each other up by seeing how many vermin they can turn into carrion on a hot summer evening.
- From the “Hello My Baby!” Department – A couple riding in a cab in Boston were surprised to find a large bullfrog sharing their cab. The frog was taken to an animal rescue organization and released into a pond. No word yet on whether or not the frog was wearing a top hat and singing old show tunes, but that’s the image I have in my head, so that’s the one we’ll go with.
- From the “I, Robot” Department – The man recognized as the inventor of the industrial robot has passed away. Out of respect, robots across the globe will observe what is to them an extended period of mourning this week, which will cause a .05 second disruption to western civilization as all of those things we’ve become accustomed to robots doing come to a stop.
- From the “Coffee is Manna” Department – Scientists have discovered that putting caffeine on the skin can help to prevent skin cancer. I’ve seen caffeinated beer and soap before, so I expect that we will be seeing caffeinated sun screen in the future. That way you can get a good buzz and good skin all at the same time.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 16, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/16/news-roundup-97/
News Roundup
- From the “Up In Smoke” Department – The LAPD bomb squad detonated an suspicious briefcase and found that it contained a movie script and a laptop computer. The owner had brought it to the talent agency where it was found in hopes of getting someone to read his magnum opus. Since the laptop was destroyed, I hope this guy invested in some backup software or has a really deep line-up in his liquor cabinet, because he’s going to be using one or the other.
- From the “Heart Attack on a Stick” Department – A vendor at the Iowa state fair is selling battered and deep fried sticks of butter for $4 apiece. You know, you wrap that puppy in bacon, give me a cold beer, and hook me up with a blood pressure/cholesterol medicine IV drip, and you’ve got a deal.
- From the “Well, duh!” Department – Police in Oklahoma are refusing to investigate an incident in which a woman stripped to her skin at a golf course because no-one has complained. I could make a sexual or mysogenistic comment here, but I probably don’t need to.
- From the “Stupid’s Supposed to Hurt” Department – A woman in Florida lost three fingers when her attempt to utilize fireworks to wake up her husband went horribly wrong. This just goes to show the value of a good alarm clock.
- From the “Yeah, That’ll Work” Department – Scotland Yard is in negotiations to bring the former head of the Los Angeles Police Department to England to act as a consultant on how to deal with riots. Because if you need to quell a riot, you know you can call the LAPD for good advice.
- From the “Better to Live in Sin” Department – The management of the “Sesame Street” television program have reacted to an on-line petition to have the puppet characters of Bert and Ernie admit that they are in fact gay and get married. The statement says that while the puppets are male and have lived together for 40+ years, they have no sexual orientation. My response to the whole thing: Don’t we have anything better to worry about than the sexual orientation and marital status of two foam rubber puppets?
- From the “Update” Department – The man who was arrested after urinating on a 11 year old girl on a flight has been kicked off of the United States skiing team, where he was apparently trying to get ready to compete at the Olympics. I’d hate to see everyone who makes a mistake lose their dream like that. It seems to be a slippery slope to me.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 12, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/12/news-roundup-98/
News Roundup
- From the “Dead Man Whizzing” Department – An 18 year old man on a flight from Portland to New York got into a bit of trouble when he mistook the leg of a sleeping 11 year old girl for a urinal. The article doesn’t mention whether or not the father of the young lady, who was away using the facilities himself at the time of the incident, will be charged for the ass beating I’m sure he laid upon this drunken bluntskull. Heck, if you’re going to be cleaning up urine, what’s a little blood and soft tissue to wipe off of an armrest?
- From the “This is Your Brain on Drugs” Department – A young man in Illinois skipped out on a cab fare, but left behind his ID and bong. Hey, I’m all for the legalization of pot, but I never said it would make a genius out of you. No word yet on whether or not his father gave him the dopeslap he so richly deserved before sending him down to the police station.
- From the “No-one Wants to See That” Department – A man is suing DHS, TSA, and several airport officials after he was kept at a security checkpoint in handcuffs for 90 minutes after stripping down to the bare minimum during an airport security check. I’ve considered doing the same thing, but decided against it. It tends to mess with the flow of your day when animal control is called out because someone reported seeing a great hairy beast wearing boxers and size 15 hiking boots in the terminal.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 11, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/11/news-roundup-99/
News Roundup
- From the “Run Silent, Run Deep” Department – The Navy has taken delivery of its latest submarine, the California. No word yet on whether or not the sailors who man her will wear hemp uniforms, smoke something other than Marlboro’s when the smoking lamp is lit, or have relaxed grooming and hygiene standards. In all seriousness, good luck to the California and all who sail on her.
- From the “Pulled a Plaxico” Department – A man in Arizona shot himself in the thigh and his male member when he was carrying his girlfriend’s gun in his waistband. Funniest part of the article: Police don’t know if the man suffered any permanent damage. Guys, I promise if you shoot me in the schwanz, I’ll suffer permanent damage, both physical and psychological. I’d like to meet the man who can shrug that one off. On the plus side, once he gets out of the hospital, maybe he can become a shill for the Brady Campaign and sign a multi-million dollar contract to play for the Jets.
- From the “You Want Me To What?” Department – The zoo in Pittsburgh is planning on opening a sperm bank for elephants once the shipment of elephant seed from South Africa clears customs. Something tells me there’s a veterinary intern in Africa that really hates his job. Of course, this reminds me of the old joke “How did Jackie Kennedy break her arm?”, but on a much larger scale.
- From the “Attention Kmart Shoppers!” Department – The stock markets took a big hit today, with the Dow Jones index losing 5.6% of its value. Personally, I’m afraid to look at my 401k for a while. I may just cash it in and use the money for canned goods and shotguns. At least they would have some value in a few weeks.
- From the “This Man is a Genius” Department – A man in Australia has been arrested for drunk driving after driving a motorized beer cooler through a town. You know, that may just be one of the few gadgets that I could really buy for myself. I’ll give the man extra points if he was running the engine on ethanol.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 8, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/08/news-roundup-100/
News Roundup
- From the “Lawn Dart” Department – A lady in Scotland survived a fall from 3500 feet when both her main and reserve chutes failed with only a broken ankle. Her life was saved when she landed in soft, boggy ground instead of the landing zone. I’ve known several paratroopers who survived similar accidents, and they were all nicknamed “Lucky”.
- From the “Conspicuous Consumption” Department – A company in New York City has started renting out a backyard sized area of grass for $50 an hour, with the option to pay hundreds more for toys and lawn furniture. People reportedly find this to be easier than travelling to the park or the beach to get away from the hyper-urban New York landscape for free. My advice to these people: move. For the cost of rent on a flat in Greenwich Village and renting this kind of place out to get an afternoon of green grass and a weenie roast, you can afford to buy a mansion in flyover country.
- From the “WTF?” Department – A bill to extend the operating mandate and funding for the Federal Aviation Administration was “deemed to have passed unanimously” by the United States Senate today. Apparently, only two senators bothered to show up to vote for the bill, but it still passed. I’m glad that the FAA got back to work, but apparently the word “quorum” isn’t covered in new senator orientation training. Maybe I can suggest the purchase of a new National Match M1A and “deem it passed unanimously” because Irish Woman is asleep when I ask for her consent and she doesn’t object.
- From the “Water Still Wet” Department – A study in Australia has found that women who are sexually assaulted are likely to have psychological problems at some point in their life. No fooling? You mean having your body violated in the most intimate manner causes psychological damage that can linger for a lifetime? Who’d have thunk it? If you’re in Australia and you’re not seeing red over paying for a study to find out if something we already knew is still true, then please re-read that article until your blood pressure starts going up.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 5, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/05/news-roundup-101/
Who Lives in a Jail Cell Under the Sea?
A convenience store in Florida was robbed the other day. While this is probably not an uncommon occurrence, the fact that one of the robbers disguised himself by wearing a Sponge Bob Squarepants costume makes this noteworthy.
No word yet on the real identity of the assailant, although police advise the public to be on the lookout for a short person, with a squarish body form and bright yellow skin, who is wearing only tighty whitey’s. Suspect is believed to associate with big lunks shaped like starfish and squirrels wearing scuba gear. Authorities also advise us to not approach the suspect, as his ability to annoy can be deadly at close range.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 3, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/03/who-lives-in-a-jail-cell-under-the-sea/
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