- From the “Dumbass of the Day” Department – A man in Los Angeles is under arrest after being accused of putting a fake bomb in a suitcase and then leaving the suitcase on a bus. While no time is a good time to pull a stunt like this, this weekend was very much in the realm of “not today, dude”. I hope that when he is convicted he is sentenced to spending three days in stocks at the intersection that was shut down so police could deal with his little joke. Something tells me they’d find pieces of this guy in Tijuana being sold next to the shellacked frogs.
- From the “Chutzpah is Not a River in Israel” Department – A heavyset man in New York has sued the White Castle fast food chain because his repeated requests for larger chairs have gone unanswered. He seems to believe that being overweight is a disability for which the company must make accommodations. Listen, I’m a wide body myself. I’m continually fighting the battle of the bulge. Now I love me some burgers and shakes, but it never occurred to me that I could sue my favorite burger joint for not having booths that I could plop my rotund self into when I’m getting my morning grease burger, large fries, and diet soda. My suggestion to this gentleman is to either find another vendor of fast food goodness that has wider chairs, or maybe spend the time he would normally take to consume mass quantities taking a few laps in the pool at the YMCA. You know, people like this make the rest of us fat bastards look bad.
- From the “In the Navy” Department – A naval base in Virginia is going to be the site for an attempt to break the world record for the number of people doing the “ChaCha Slide” dance at once. I know this is silly, but the image I have is a couple thousand sailors in their white uniforms dancing in lock stop on the deck of an aircraft carrier. I wonder if this is part of a new physical training regimen for Naval personnel. The physical fitness test could consist of push ups, sit ups, and the 20 minute line dance.
- From the “Cache and Carry” Department – An Ohio man called the police after he found a box containing bullets and dynamite buried in his yard. No-one was hurt, and police don’t know why someone would bury such a thing. Apparently at some point in the past, someone passed the “If you have to bury it, you should be using it” decision point. I’m not admitting anything, but if you ever find a box full of ammo in my yard, go three steps towards the bush in our southwest corner and start digging again. You might get an early Christmas present.
All posts in category news
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on September 12, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/09/12/news-roundup-84/
News Roundup
- From the “Bad Thing” Department – Officials at Fort Bragg are investigating the disappearance of 14,000 rounds of 5.56 ammunition. Hopefully it’s found. That’s almost enough ammunition for a long weekend at Knob Creek.
- From the “Don’t Hold Your Breath” Department – The NLRB is investigating violence at a union strike against a grain terminal in Washington state. If you expect much to happen, I have some swampland in Arizona you might like. The funny thing here is that the union isn’t protesting use of non-union labor or walking out because they’re employed at the grain terminal and don’t like the pay or whatever. They’re protesting because the workers at the terminal are part of another union and they don’t like that. So basically they’re mad because the protection money is going to another gang.
- From the “Business as Usual” Department – The head of teachers’ unions in Chicago reports that Mayor Raum Emanuel cursed at her during a discussion about lengthening the school day. I’ve got news for her: this isn’t anything new or unique. This is how Emanuel and the rest of the Obamonauts do business. Don’t complain when the dog you’ve let loose on everyone else turns around and bites you on the ass.
Posted by daddybear71 on September 10, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/09/10/news-roundup-85/
News Roundup
- From the “Opposite Day” Department – The government of Iran has called on the Assad regime in Syria to stop using violence to deal with protesters and political opponents. Tehran urges Damascus to begin talks with its opposition. Did I wake up in Bizarro World today? Has anyone looked behind Ahmadinajad’s ear for the point where the tether to his pod ended? What’s next, is China going to start promoting large families with lots of girls? Is Ireland going to prohibit the production of beer and spirits? Is Obama going to give a speech about the need for fiscal and personal responsibility and then go out and do some actual work?
- From the “Good Start” Department – The Obama administration has called on the United Nations Development Program to provide a full accounting of its finances and activities or face a loss of funding. I’d agree that we need to look at all of our expenditures at the U.N. with an eye to getting rid of all of them. Of course, the Obama White House calling for accountability and transparency from the U.N. is a definining example of chutzpah. It’s kind of like a pimp telling a brothel owner to open the curtains.
- From the “Good Planning” Department – A school district in South Carolina has moved a school bus stop from the immediate vicinity of a strip club. While I’m sure that this move will make some of the soccer mom’s feel a bit better while taking the kids to the bus, it’ll probably be an inconvenience for others who have gotten used to dropping their kids off so close to work.
- From the “Steel Rain” Department – NASA is warning that a sattelite that was launched 20 years ago to study the ozone layer and the climate will probably fall to earth soon. The area it may rain debris upon appears to include the part of the earth where billions of people live. Guys, can we make a deal that when you’re down to 1% of fuel left in one of these, you use it to make it crash into the Pacific? These interminable sattelite-crashing-into-civilization events really mess with my commute.
- From the “Queen of the Undead” Department – An elderly man in Florida was attacked recently by a young woman who said she was a vampire. I feel for this guy. I had a 22 year old woman try to drain my will to live once too. You know, I’m beginning to start to think that the ever increasing number of these cases may indicate that they aren’t all high or insane. In order to make sure that she’s not actually a vampire, I suggest we tie her out at a busy intersection in the middle of a sunny day and drive a stake through her heart.
- From the “Change Jar” Department – A police officer in Philadelphia has pled guilty to stealing $2.4 million worth of coins from the mint that were supposed to be discarded due to errors in their minting. I bet he became a suspect when he paid for his house in Sakajowea dollars. Why do I have an old Johnny Cash song going through my head when I think of this guy stealing $2.4 million out of the mint in $1 coins over the space of years.
Posted by daddybear71 on September 9, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/09/09/news-roundup-86/
News Roundup
- From the “Wasn’t Me!” Department – A family in California watched a bear break into their Toyota Prius, tear it up, then take it for a spin down the driveway and into a neighbor’s yard. I think I need to call my family in the Bay Area to make sure none of the nephews have beein in Tahoe recently. Although I am impressed that the bear was able to get a Prius down a driveway, over a wall, and up onto a porch.
- From the “Rolly Polly Fishheads” Department – A state trooper in Washington spent part of his evening shoveling a load of fish heads off of a highway the other day. Something tells me that wasn’t covered at the academy. I’m also pretty sure his wife was less than enthused when he came home from work smelling like trout.
- From the “Ghost With The Most” Department – Believe it or not, Hollywood is trying to make a sequel to the 1988 movie “Beetlejuice”. I feel relief at this. I mean, there was so much left to say at the end of the original. No word yet on who will act in the film, although I’m sure the sand worms are available. My gut tells me this will go into the “Films I Refuse to Admit Exist” folder along with “Highlander 2”, “Star Trek V”, and “Starship Troopers”.
- From the “Reach Out and Touch Someone” Department – A woman in the Netherlands has been charged with stalking after calling an ex-boyfriend over 65,000 times in a year. Either this man is a god, or this lady needs a membership to a dating site as a birthday present. This would be one of those situations where you wish you could send shocks to the other end of the telephone line. Although I have to ask: Didn’t the guy know he could change his number and stay unlisted?
Posted by daddybear71 on September 8, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/09/08/news-roundup-87/
News Roundup
- From the “No Kidding” Department – President Obama is polling well against prospective GOP frontrunners in California. In other news, the sun rose today. Really, when was the last time a Republican polled well in California?
- From the “Your Lieing Eyes” Department – China is denying that a Chinese arms exporter was trying to sell arms to the Ghadaffi regime, including anti-aircraft missiles. Even when shown captured documents showing details of the proposed deal, the Chinese government continues issuing denials. Something tells me the Jedi Mind Trick isn’t going to work this time. “You tried to sell arms to Ghadaffi so that he could shoot down our aircraft.” “No, I didn’t!” “But it says right here in black and white…” “Wasn’t me!” “But your name and signature are on the documents.” “Are not! These aren’t the documents you’re looking for!”
- From the “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” Department – A man was stopped after he was seen walking on a highway in Indiana while carrying a sword. He took a swing at police officers with his mighty blade, then tried to carjack a vehicle. Wow, there’s a lot going on there. The department for this one is a direct quote of one of the things the man said to police. I’m at a loss on a whitty comment to make about this. This one pretty much stands on its own.
- From the “Whole Lot of Croc” Department – A 2300 pound salt water crocodile was recently captured near a village in the Philippines. The man who coordinated the capture of the reptile plans to make it an exhibit in an eco-tourism park, and also plans to try to capture an even bigger croc that he believes lives in the same area. Something tells me that if a bigger croc is found, there’s going to be a surplus of boots, suitcases, and etouffe in the Philippines.
- From the “Happy Father’s Day!” Department – A woman in Washington DC has discovered that the person who donated sperm she used to conceive her child has fathered at least 150 children through sperm donation. Man, that’s a lot of kids. Experts say that the danger with one donor creating so many children is that it raises the chance of incest when the children become adults. One has to wonder if the sperm bank in question gives him a punch card for a free sandwich after 10 visits or something. Look for a lot of Maury Povich interviews with his kids in the next 20 years or so as they discover that the girl they dated in high school was really their sister.
Posted by daddybear71 on September 6, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/09/06/news-roundup-88/
News Roundup
- From the “Water Still Wet” Department – Researchers have concluded that alcohol blocks the part of the brain that lets people know they’re making mistakes. Really, Einstein? Getting drunk can make it so you don’t know you’re messing up? Someone forgot to call the campus police department at 95% of American universities before they approved that research grant. Heck, if I’d known that alcohol could keep me from knowing I was doing stupid stuff, I never would have learned that you can indeed jump 50 feet off of a storm wall into soft sand without injury if you’re juiced up well enough and have your drinking buddy show you how to do a proper parachute landing fall.
- From the “I’m Related to Most of Them” Department – Researchers have also announced that half of U.S. adults suffer from one form of mental illness or another. I think this estimate might be a little low. Either that or I have a personality that draws the mentally ill like flies to honey. And I don’t suffer from mental illness; I enjoy every minute of it. Baddum Dum Ting!
- From the “This is Revolution!” Department – The Swedish Dairy Association is predicting an earlier than normal shortage of butter in the Scandinavian country. If the supply of lingenberries and ham dries up too, we may see carnage in the streets. This would be like if the supply of bacon got low around here. We’d see housewives in knife fights with leather clad bikers in the Kroger.
- From the “Seriously?” Department – A man in Florida has been arrested after police say he tore apart a vending machine and ‘molested’ it. From the description, it looks like he did just what ‘molested’ made you think about. Is this what we get for raising kids to play with machines all their life? Dude, what you do in the privacy of your own home is between you and your ‘significant appliance’. But don’t do it at the laundromat. No-one wants to see that while they’re watching a load of whites go round and round.
Posted by daddybear71 on September 3, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/09/03/news-roundup-89/
News Roundup
- From the “Douchebag in a Mitre Board” – A college professor in California has been arrested after a raid on his home produced a pound of methamphetamine. The suspected drug dealer is an associate professor of kinesiology. So I guess distributing a drug that causes tweeks would give him a lot of material to do research with.
- From the “So That’s How It Works” Department – The Federal Housing Agency has announced that it is suing several large banks for their practices in the mortage business during the mortage bubble and bust. This could cause these banks, most of whom got at least some money from TARP, to give up billions. The same agency oversees Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, so this may be the way that the government is able to both bail out those ailing organizations and recoup some of the TARP money. This is pure genius. We incur a huge amount of debt, give it to financial businesses that caused the mess so they don’t go belly up, then sue them to get the money back and redistribute it to another business that earned its troubles. Somewhere, a bald man is sitting in a chair stroking a cat over this.
- From the “Crowbar to a Gunfight” Department – The U.N. has announced that they believe that while Israel is justified in blockading military and dual-use products from Gaza, Israeli commandos used an unreasonable level of force when they boarded a freighter and were attacked by the occupants. My response: When a ship is boarded, if you’re going to resist and the boarders are carrying guns, standing upright outside of cover with a crowbar is not the way you repel boarders without getting ventilated. Either read some Ghandi and sit down so they have to deal with your peacefully uncooperative butt, or find some cover and concealment and something that will send copper jacketed lead toward the boarders at 1200 feet per second. If you can’t do one of those two things, stop whining. Stupid is supposed to hurt.
Posted by daddybear71 on September 2, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/09/02/news-roundup-90/
News Roundup
- From the “Bread and Circuses” Department – The White House has announced that it will allow people to post and sign on-line petitions asking for the federal government to do something. My guess is that the petitions will fall into two broad categories: “Bush Sucks” and “I think we ought not to have so much horse s… in the streets”. Either that or Katie Perry will be the next ambassador to Great Britain. Don’t we already elect senators and representatives to do this?
- From the “Taking It to a New Level” Department – A man in Washington DC has been charged with assault after a road rage incident which involved ramming his car into another, beating on the car with his hands and feet, and then throwing live downed power lines at the car in an effort to harm the driver. I’ve been mad, but I’ve never been “Pick up live power lines and try to turn another motorist into a baked potato” mad. Luckily this didn’t turn into one of Weerd’s Gun Deaths.
- From the “Carrots and Potatoes” Department – A lamb was born at New York’s Central Park Zoo just prior to Hurricane Irene striking the city. Zoo staff have named the animal Irene Hope. I would have gone for “Mint Jelly”, “Emergency Rations”, or maybe “Unneeded Distraction”.
- From the “Left Turn Signal” Department – MarketWatch has compiled a list of the top 10 cities in the United States for good drivers. I’ve driven in several of these cities, and my question is “Why do I always seem to get behind the exception that proves the rule?”.
Posted by daddybear71 on September 1, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/09/01/news-roundup-91/
News Roundup
- From the “That’s Peculiar” Department – A Marine in North Carolina recently found a training missile from a helicopter gunship in his yard. Two questions: Who wouldn’t notice that a training missile either went missing or impacted outside the training area, and just how cool a customer is this Marine that he figured out it was a training missile before grabbing his wife, kids, and pets and getting outside the blast radius? Then again, I’ve found some strange things in the tall grass when I finally break down and go out to cut the lawn, especially right after the 4th of July.
- From the “What Were You Thinking?” Department – Two police officers in Toronto are coming under fire for handcuffing a 9 year old autistic boy when they were called in to help control him in school. Apparently he was throwing paint and such around, but they were able to get him to lie down and then put the handcuffs on him. No word yet on whether or not they’ll be sent to taser an Alzheimer’s patient who won’t eat his jello.
- From the “That’s What Children Do” Department – Parents of a 4 year old boy in England have been warned that their son will be monitored for noise level when playing outside, and they may be fined if he continues to make too much noise. I’ve raised a whole bunch of kids in my life. I’ve got a 3 year old now. Now of them have been quiet as long as they’re conscious. Someone needs to find out who is complaining about a child enjoying himself outside and making a bit of noise and strap a couple of 1970’s era speakers to their head so they can listen to the noise in beautiful quadrophonic sound.
- From the “Hair Bands Go Way Back” Department – Archeologists believe that ancient Egyptians used a pomade made from plant and animal fat, and the substance may have been used as part of funeral rites to give the deceased the same hair style as they had in life. The image I had run through my mind while I read that was Sha-Na-Na in robes singing “At The Hop” in front of a pyramid. Will archeologists be digging up Bon Jovi and Poison in three thousand years and deciding that we all wore our hair like that? I shudder at the thought.
- From the “New Civility” Department – A Democratic member of Congress from Indiana has compared the Tea Party movement to the forces of Jim Crow. Congressman Andre Carson stated in a speech the other day that “some of them in Congress right now of this tea party movement would love to see you and me … hanging on a tree.” Congressman Carson, I’ve got a news flash for you. We don’t want to see black people lynched. We want to see them getting up in the morning, going to a job, and becoming a net producer for the economy. Since that’s what is expected of me every day, I don’t think it’s racist to expect it of others. Speaking of becoming a net producer, what are your employment plans after the 2012 election?
Posted by daddybear71 on August 31, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/31/news-roundup-92/
News Roundup
- From the “Bad Timing” Department – UAW-represented Ford employees are voting on whether to authorize a strike as part of their ‘negotiations’ with Ford on their new contract. The UAW wants to get back at least some of the pay and benefits that were conceeded to the company during the last recession, and they want the threat of a labor walkout as a tool at the bargaining table. Someone needs to show the ‘leadership’ of the UAW a trending chart on the U.S. economy and ask them if they really want to start taking money out of Ford’s pocket right now. Better a job where you think you might be getting hosed than no job at all, guys.
- From the “Going to Hell on a Scholarship” Department – Thieves have broken into a Catholic church in California several times, stealing security cameras, and a large amount of copper wire. Someone needs to tell these guys that copper is an excellent conductor of lightning.
- From the “Soon to be an Un-Person” Department – A video of a Chinese general discussing espionage cases that were covered up and called such things as “corruption” has surfaced on YouTube. In other news, there is an open slot for promotion to general in the Chinese military after the former holder of the rank had a 9mm aneurism.
- From the “Nothing for me Today, Thanks” Department – A man in Pennsylvania has been arrested for a second time for stuffing a rack of ribs down his pants. Dude, I told you to put the meat in the crock pot, not the…. aw, never mind.
- From the “Dead Man Walking” Department – A man in Australia accidentally threw away his wife’s jewelry when he hid it in trash bags to keep it from being stolen. Irish Woman isn’t really a jewelry kind of girl, but she does like things that twinkle a bit. That being said, if I were to ever throw away $50k worth of gold, she’d cut my heart out with a spoon.
Posted by daddybear71 on August 30, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/08/30/news-roundup-93/
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