- From the “Reciprocity” Department – A leader of the Tea Party movement has been arrested on weapons charges in New York after he tried to check a handgun at New York’s La Guardia airport. He was legal to own and carry the gun in his home state of California, but since New York doesn’t believe that a responsible adult can be trusted with anything more deadly than a sharpened stick, he wasn’t supposed to have the gun. Now, take the last couple of sentences, and change them to read this way: He was legal to own and carry the typewriter in his home state of California, but since New York doesn’t believe that a responsible adult can be trusted with anything more deadly than a quill pen, he wasn’t supposed to have the typewriter. Also try substituting in Torah, lawyer, or other nouns that are related to enumerated rights. BTW, there’s a link to the Second Amendment Foundation on the right side of the page. Something tells me they’re going to be needing the money to take this case to court.
- From the “Bad to Worse” Department – A Tennessee man is in the hospital after crashing his truck into a store and then immediately crashing another car as he tried to get away. The story is that he was trying to run down his girlfriend with his truck, missed, slammed into a building, injuring other people, then tried to flee in a stolen SUV, only to hit a bread truck. I’m assuming this must all be true, because you just can’t make stuff like this up. Mr. Knievel is in the hospital for now, but I’m guessing that a few nice men from law enforcement will be having a nice long conversation with him once he’s healthy enough to be taken to jail.
- From the “Bad Species! No Biscuit!” Department – A scientist in Arizona is asserting that human activity is causing an increase of nitrogen in the environment. He posits that an increase in the use of nitrogen based fertilizers and other compounds is causing too much nitrogen to flow to the lowest level of the food chain, which has repercussions for the health of everything above it. I look forward to magazine covers and award winning movies about how reckless use of another
organiccommon compound is destroying the planet, followed by shrieks that the science is settled and we ought not to be paying attention to the man behind the green curtain. - From the “Brilliant!” Department – A teacher in Tennessee has been suspended and will probably be fired after an investigation into his writing the work “stupid” across the forehead of one of his students. He says it was just a joke, I say it was child abuse. Then again, maybe that’s how he was taught to deal with a student who isn’t entirely up to speed. Maybe we can start tattooing “Moron” on the foreheads of people who pull stupid crap like this.
All posts in category news
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on December 16, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/16/news-roundup-51/
News Roundup
- From the “It’s a Major Award” Department – Time magazine has announced that their “Person of the Year” award is going to the “Protester” this year. Time seems to feel that the protest movements in the the mid-east, along with the “Occupy” movement here in the U.S., deserve to be singled out because of their impact to society. I don’t agree with this decision. To me, if you’re going to put an amorphous, difficult-to-define group as the “Person of the Year”, I say you recognize all of the nameless people who had to clean up all of the crap, both literal and figurative, that the Occupy movement has left on the streets and parks of America, but that’s just me.
- From the “Bad Idea” department – The Navy has relieved a commander for using his sailors to set up static displays of equipment for his family reunion and letting his relatives drive naval equipment and take rides on landing craft. Not sure how prevelent this is in the Navy, but it used to be career suicide for an Army officer to use soldiers as personal servants or to forget that it was the Army’s truck, not their personal pick-up.
- From the “Drop in the Bucket” Department – The city of Chicago has agreed to pay out millions of dollars to settle lawsuits related to police misconduct over the past few years. While I’m glad to see that the city is taking responsibility for the actions of its employees, since the settlement will be paid out of taxpayer funds and the officers in question won’t be impacted by this at all financially, this is more of a symbolic gesture than anything else. Think about this: Most of the victims here are citizens of Chicago, and will have to pay federal, state, and local taxes on their portions of the settlement, so at least some of the money they receive will go straight back into the cities budget.
- From the “Never Happen” Department – Researchers are predicting that the future of nuclear power in the United States is in small reactors rather than the huge complexes we currently have. While I agree that it would be cost effective and safer to have smaller reactors with a common design cranked out on an industrial scale and then installed as needed, I doubt I’ll ever see one. Every time you say “nuclear power” in this country, the ‘environmentalists’ come out of the woodwork, start hooting about Chernobyl and Three Mile Island, and spook the politicians and regulators. It’s not like we have a government agency with a decades long history of maintaining and operating small nuclear reactors without any major accidents or anything.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 14, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/14/news-roundup-52/
News Roundup
- From the “Cutting It Short” Department – The White House has ordered the U.S. Mint to halt production of presidential commemorative dollar coins in order to save money. Apparently, almost $1.4 billion in coins that have already been struck have been returned to the Federal Reserve. I’ve been places that relied on coins for small denominations, and it seemed to work, but the U.S. hasn’t done that in any real sense for almost 100 years. Honestly, the amount of trouble and expense it would take to change over would cost almost as much as the amount saved in not printing dollar bills. Oh well, I’ve got our stash of Sacajawea dollars for tooth fairy money. On a side note, I have found that my stash of military challenge coins makes for great pirate booty or Harry Potter money.
- From the “Justified” Department – A man in Florida has had the charges against him dismissed after a judge found that he had a right to defend himself under that states “Stand Your Ground” statute after he shot his ex-wife’s boyfriend. The boyfriend is believed to have threatened and lunged at the man. Kentucky has a similar law, and I hope to never have to take advantage of it. Anyone in Florida want to tell us if he can still be sued in civil court? That would be the perfect counterpart.
- From the “Going to Hell On A Scholarship” Department – A charity that provides CARE packages to deployed soldiers and homeless veterans is among the victims of a scam that lost it nearly $3000. Guys, that just ain’t Christmas. I hope that the charity is able to make up the loss, and that the thieves are caught and hung up by their jingle bells.
- From the “Parents of the Year” Department – A Russian couple is in trouble after police spotted the mother putting what turned out to be a bag of heroin into the mouth of their 9 year old child. Everything I’ve ever said about my parents? Yeah, that pales in comparison. Hopefully Ozzie and Harriet have a rather unpleasant experience in a Siberian prison for this.
- From the “Just Good Old Boys” Department – A Miami police officer is trying to explain how his cruiser ended up vertical alongside a telephone pole. No word yet on whether or not he was chasing Bo and Luke Duke at the time of the incident. Neither Boss Hogg nor Uncle Jesse could be reached for comment.
- From the “Christmas Pineapples” Department – A military museum in Sweden has come under PSH fire after it began selling Christmas ornaments shaped like hand grenades to raise money for a charity. I’m not sure if that’s Christmas either, but I like it. “Honey, have you run the trip wire to the Christmas tree yet? Remember, front towards enemy when you’re setting the holiday claymore! This’ll keep those little scamps from shaking their gifts early!”
- From the “Ho Ho Ho” Department – The United States Senate took time off from their busy schedule of accelerating the countries circle of the drain yesterday to exchange gifts in a “Secret Santa” program. That’s right folks, the most powerful legislature in the world celebrated the holiday the same way the accounting department at Crazy Morty’s House of Junk does. Of course, when they’re doing this, they’re not making more problems for the country, so I guess it’s for the best. Some senators got a gift of coal, but no senators report getting what they really deserve: pink slips.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 13, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/13/news-roundup-53/
News Roundup
- From the “Transparency” Department – A recent report about spending at several U.N. agencies finds the agencies refuse to open their books so that outsiders can see whether the money the agencies are given, most donated by U.N. member nations, is spent appropriately. Some agencies have large overages, and won’t show why budgeted cash isn’t being spent. I say we cut them off until they start coming across with audits by Deloitte.
- From the “Skymall Taser” Department – Fox News is giving advice on how to politely discourage chatty co-travelers while you are flying to your holiday destination. I don’t mind a little chat during the run up to the flight, but after we take off, it’s not hard to sell the “I can’t hear you because my ears won’t pop” schtick if I don’t want to talk.
- From the “Expensive Labor” Department – San Fransisco is making headlines because the city fathers have raised the minimum wage in the city to $10.24 an hour. That’s right kids. The teenager working at the Starbucks on Pier 39 is making over 10 dollars an hour. Proponents of the change are dismissing assertions by business owners that they will be laying off staff to cover the increased cost of labor. Apparently having a business in San Fransisco is so wonderful that it is worth any cost, or something.
- From the “Caseload” Department – The Supreme Court has agreed to take on the case of the state of Arizona’s new immigration law. The federal government convinced the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals that states may only enforce those immigration laws that Washington approves. The Arizona law makes it legal for police to inquire about immigration status, mandates that immigrants carry their identification with them, and makes it illegal under state law for an illegal alien to hold or seek a job. The case could be heard early enough to have a decision out before the final run to the election next fall. Do we really need the highest court in the land to say it’s OK for a state to enforce federal laws the federal government refuses to enforce?
Posted by daddybear71 on December 12, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/12/news-roundup-54/
News Roundup
- From the “Twits” Department – Three members of a congressman’s staff were fired yesterday after several news sites reprinted their tweets about drinking on the job and other forms of goofing off. Apparently being a leech on the ass of the American taxpayer isn’t enough to get fired, but take a couple of snorts off of a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and you’re out of here. Since the congressman in question is a Democrat, I’m pretty sure his staffers could have kept their jobs if they’d thought to claim they were just emulating Teddy Kennedy.
- From the “Another One” Department – Another academic has verbally attacked efforts to gather supplies for CARE packages to soldiers. The Iowa State University lecturer opines in his screed that American soldiers receive enough from the American taxpayer already, and that their work to fight overseas only creates more terrorists. Like I said about the professor in Massachusetts who expressed similar sentiments, it’s a free country and he’s welcome to his opinions. Of course, I’m free to hope he gets run down by a septic system cleaner’s tanker truck, but that’s just me. And I have to say thanks to him for teaching me a new five dollar word: eleemosynary. If you’re playing “Spot the Liberal Arts Major” at home, that was a hint.
- From the “Good Step” Department – NASA has approved a plan by SpaceX to attempt to send a space capsule to the ISS next year. Hopefully they’re successful. Having more than one method for getting supplies and astronauts to the space station will take some of the wind out of the Russian license-to-print-money we have these days.
- From the “Headcount” Department – China is taking a census of their wild pandas. Apparently all naturalists in the area are being pressed into the hunt for pandas, which seems to boil down to a hunt for panda droppings. The government will take the samples of panda waste and analyze them in order to discover how many pandas are in the area. No word yet on how many pandas will be given the long form containing intrusive questions about their lifestyle, or whether or not law enforcement will be called in on any pandas who refuse to participate.
- From the “Or Get Off The Pot” Department – Several Democrat members of Congress have asked their leadership to stop the Postal Service from shutting down sorting facilities and laying off thousands of workers in order to cut the agencies losses. Apparently these legislators have forgotten that there are only so many way to improve the business position of an organization: cut expenses or sell more product. Since the amount of product the USPS is selling is falling at a steady rate, then it needs to cut expenses. Now, how can they cut expenses? Well, they could cut the workforce and shut down unneeded facilities, they can cut service to the bare minimum that they are mandated to provide, or they could invent a magic fuel that costs nothing and keeps their trucks, lights, and other equipment running without having to do any maintenance. Apparently these members of Congress are trying to force the government to invest in that fuel. Next up: Unicorn ranching and rainbow mines to raise money to cut the federal deficit.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 9, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/09/news-roundup-55/
News Roundup
- From the “Bless His Heart” Department – President Obama has pledged to stay in Washington DC over the Christmas holidays if Congress is still in session to work on a tax bill. Apparently, in this time of economic and social strife, the President is willing to make the great personal sacrifice of not jetting off to a tropical paradise on the taxpayers’ dime in order to do the job for which we pay him. Let me be the first to support the canonization of Saint Barack the Martyr, he who gave up a couple of weeks on the beach in order to be available to sign his name on a bill.
- From the “Sausage Factory” Department – A representative of Egypt’s military has asserted that the Egyptian parliament will not be the final decider on any changes to that countries constitution. The military seems to believe that Islamists, who seem to be gaining a majority of votes in recent voting, don’t truly represent the people of Egypt. I predict celebratory fire from the election to start impacting on Egypt’s military headquarters in five, four, three…..
- From the “No Kidding” Department – A new study finds that a large number of young women binge drink early in their college career, and 59% of those report that they are sexually assaulted in some way after getting drunk. This is the kind of research that I have to look at sideways. If you don’t know that college students drink to excess, and that college boys have been known to take advantage of a drunk college girl, you have been living under a rock. I want to see a study that shows that if young girls are taught how to effectively de-testicle an attacker, even when drunk, would the number of sexual assaults on campus go down? Maybe we should have studies to see if parents teaching their daughters to not drink to excess or to always have a trusted friend stay sober to protect inebriated friends has an impact on the number of girls who are violated.
- From the “Like a Steel Trap” Department – Former Senator and New Jersey Jon Corzine is expected to say that he doesn’t know where the money his former company, MF Global, took in from investors ended up. Let’s see, you’re given billions of dollars by investors, you do yearly independent audits of your books, you’re smart enough to have been elected to the United States Senate and the office of governor of New Jersey, and you want us to believe you have no idea where all that money went. This is kind of like a man telling his wife he has no idea how all the glitter got into his hair when he went out drinking with his friends.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 8, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/08/news-roundup-56/
News Roundup
- From the “Don’t Hate the Playah” Department – Alec Baldwin was recently asked to leave an American Airlines flight after he refused to shut off his electronic device. He claims he was just playing a word game, other witnesses say that he was talking on the phone and being a jerk. Guess which story I believe. Here’s a hint: When the nice lady in the airline uniform tells you to turn off your phone, you turn off your phone. Now, being a jackass may be a right, but flying in an aluminum tube is a privilege, and I applaud American Airlines for putting this guy back in the terminal.
- From the “Brilliant!” Department – The principal of a school in Great Britain is coming under fire for turning off the heat in his school in an effort to reduce its carbon footprint. Because everyone knows that students learn the three R’s when it’s 34 degrees in the classroom.
- From the “Minimize” Department – Members of Congress have taken issue with the classification of the Fort Hood shooting as “workplace violence”. By that logic, the Civil War was a vociferous disagreement over labor policy.
- From the “YGBSM!” Department – A prosecutor has stated that the molestation case against assistant-basketball coach Bernie Fine would definitely be taken to trial, but the statute of limitations has run out on any crimes against the two men who have come forward as alleged victims. Something tells me they weren’t the first, and unfortunately they probably weren’t the last.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 7, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/07/news-roundup-57/
News Roundup
- From the “WTF” Department – A policeman in Florida who was accused of having sex in his squad car and using drugs to pay for it, along with pointing his gun at his squadmates when he found out he was being investigated, will probably be given a $27,000 per year pension when he turns 46. Apparently, because he quit before he was fired and the local prosecutor declined to indict him, he can’t be denied his retirement. That’s right campers, if you hire prostitutes, dabble in drugs, and threaten to shoot your fellow police officers, you’re good to go so long as you quit early and don’t get prosecuted.
- From the “Purina Bear Chow” Department – ‘Environmentalists’ are protesting a black bear hunt in New Jersey. State wildlife officials hope to harvest 600 bears during the hunt, which will go a long way towards cutting down on the number of bears in the state and the frequency in which humans and bears bump into each other. Protesters refute that assertion, maintaining that “A bear hunt doesn’t solve nuisance complaints, a bear hunt doesn’t protect property, a bear hunt doesn’t protect public safety and the bear hunt will not reduce the population”. Since 200 bears have already been taken, I think the speaker is wrong on at least the last part of that little bit. Another opponent to the hunt maintains that a mother bear once left her cubs with her, which to me means the mother bear was hunting over bait. Hopefully these activists head out to the woods to try to train the bears to be afraid of being around people, or to teach them that humans don’t taste that good.
- From the “Victim Selection Fail” Department – A would-be robber in Chicago is feeling his lumps today. You see, he tried to carjack a mixed martial arts fighter, and ended up bruised and shot with his own gun. But this can’t be possible. Everyone knows that criminals in Chicago don’t have access to firearms. As for the can of whoop-ass opened upon him, I’m hoping someone got video of it. I’d love to see how he tapped out after he shot himself in the ankle.
- From the “Qel Surpris” Department – A movement that tries to get people to “Take Back the Capitol” has organized groups of people to go to members of Congress demanding answers to their issues. Now, that’s all well and good. The right of peaceful assembly and demanding answers from elected officials is cherished. But apparently the website for the movement links back to the SIEU, which seems to be supporting the protests. So what could have been seen as a group of citizens seeking redress for grievances is at least partially as astro-turfed as Giants Stadium.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 6, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/06/news-roundup-58/
News Roundup
- From the “Wait, what?” Department – Saudi clerics claim that if the kingdom allows women to drive cars, then a surge in prostitution and homosexuality along with a dearth of virgins will happen. You know, I’d really like to see the logic behind that assertion diagrammed out, because my brain is short circuiting out somewhere between the DMV and the Village People.
- From the “Cheeky” Department – A Florida woman has been arrested after dropping her pants and mooning her neighbor when she noticed him taking pictures of her dogs running around off a leash. Apparently there is a long-running feud between the woman and her neighbor. This is a friendly reminder that as the Christmas season progresses, please remember that the guy next door to you with the 30,000 Christmas lights isn’t that bad a neighbor.
- From the “Interesting Scar” Department – A duck hunter in Utah was shot in the buttocks recently when a hunting dog jumped on his shotgun. For those playing at home, that wound is called the “Forrest Gump”. I wonder if the dog in question was named “Lieutenant Dan”.
- From the “Government Efficiency” Department – A Swedish man, who has lost both legs to diabetes, was recently denied coverage for a powered wheelchair because authorities weren’t sure that his disability was permanent. For those of you who think that government run health care is a grand idea, this is your weekly dope-slap of reality. If you thought the logic at the IRS was bad, just wait until your auditor gets promoted to the new health administration.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 2, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/02/news-roundup-59/
News Roundups
- From the “Bad Idea” Department – Two young men in Alabama have been arrested after police say they set off deer urine grenades in a Walmart. The two are alleged to have gone to the sporting goods department, retrieved the two deer scent lures, then activated them in the clothing department. As someone who has tipped over a bottle of doe urine in the back of his truck, I can say that these two knuckleheads are probably lucky they’re in jail. If the workers at the Walmart get hold of them, their beating will be epic and thorough.
- From the “Whoops!” Department – A young father in Kentucky got lucky on Tuesday when he forgot his six-month-old in a shopping cart at the grocery store. Other shoppers noticed the child, and called police. The father realized his mistake and hurried back to retrieve his child. Police are not pressing charges, but have contacted social services. As a father of four lovely children, I can feel empathy for this man. By the time my kids were six months old, I was so far behind on sleep I was lucky to remember to tie my shoes in the morning. I’m pretty sure at this moment, the father wishes he was in jail with the two knuckleheads from the Walmart in Alabama. Can you imagine explaining that to a young mother?
- From the “11th Century Democracy” Department – A young lady and her sisters have been hospitalized in Afghanistan following an attack in which a spurned suitor threw acid at them. The young women are getting medical care, and I hope the jackass who attacked them is being strung up by his Achilles tendon by her family at the moment. If you’ve ever seen A Man Called Horse, you’ll be able to visualize what I think he deserves. I’m so glad that the blood and treasure we’ve poured into Afghanistan has helped that society come so far so fast.
- From the “Up the Meds” Department – Vice President Biden is predicting that the relationship between Iraq and the United States will improve in the future, even after American military forces have left the country. The headline for that article is “Biden Sees Rosy Picture US-Iraq Relationship”. I’m not surprised that he sees that. He also sees leprechauns.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 1, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/01/news-roundups/
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