- From the “Oops” Department – A sword swallower in Britain is recovering after a mishap in his act caused a four inch gash in his esophagus. In related news, the Consumer Product Safety Commission will soon announce a recall of all long, sharp implements to get their edges rounded off. They’re doing it for the children.
- From the “Makes Sense” Department – A city council in Arizona is asking a candidate to sit on the council to prove she can read, write, and speak English fluently. Apparently, in earlier dealings with city government, another member of the council has had to translate for the lady, so this may have merit. If she’s unsuccessful, she ought to run for Congress. It’s not like most Congressmen actually read what they vote for.
- From the “Low and Left” Department – A judge in Wisconsin has dismissed charges against a man prosecutors believed shot himself in the genitals when, as a felon, he wasn’t supposed to be in possession of a firearm. There are few details in the reporting, but even if the man is indeed guilty, I’m sure that the consequences of him having a firearm are worse than going back to prison.
- From the “TV Cliche” Department – A business in Fresno, California, had to have a towing company bring out their biggest truck in order to remove a car that had landed on their roof after an automobile accident. Police are reportedly looking for an erratic helicopter pilot, an older gentleman who smokes cigars, a pretty-boy, and a psychotic gentleman who likes weird haircuts and gold jewelry for questioning in the incident. Also being sought are two country boys from Hazard County and a man who drives a classic Trans-Am with a swishing red light on the front.
All posts in category news
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on January 6, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/06/news-roundup-41/
News Roundup
- From the “Makes Sense” Department – The place kicker for the University of Michigan has admitted that when he makes a kick, he doesn’t think about the kick. Instead, he thinks about brunettes. Makes sense to me. When I’m doing something important, I think about brunettes and redheads. Or when I’m doing something that isn’t that important. Let’s face it: If I’m conscious, I’m thinking about brunettes and redheads, and I’d estimate that I’m thinking about them at least 50% of the time I’m unconscious.
- From the “Mother of the Year” Department – A Massachusetts mother summoned police to her home to arrest two of her five children for fighting. Apparently her spawn had been bickering all day, and she just couldn’t take it anymore. Funny, my mother had five kids who fought constantly, and she never called the police. She self medicated a bit and then imitated Carlton Fisk with dimensional lumber, which always seemed to calm things down a bit.
- From the “Fuzzy on the Rules” Department – An assistant bishop of the diocese of Los Angeles has resigned because he had a secret wife and children. You know, there are some pretty simple rules for being a Catholic priest. The one that immediately comes to mind is celibacy. Either these kids are the second coming, or someone’s got some explaining to do.
- From the “TWA Coffee” Department – A woman in China gave birth to a healthy baby girl about halfway into a two hour flight recently. Flight attendants assisted her in the delivery. I understand that after being born, the baby was taken up to the flight deck and asked about gladiator movies. The little girl has been named “Angel”, but my sources tell me that the name “Bulkhead” was considered, but discarded as being too cruel. In related news, several first class passengers on the flight demanded extra frequent flyer miles because of excessive noise on the flight and a shortage of hot towels.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 4, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/04/news-roundup-42/
News Roundup
- From the “Burnt Offerings” Department – Police and fire officials in Los Angeles are investigating an epidemic of car arsons. No word yet on whether or not the perpetrators are targeting Ford EarthF***ers or Priuses (Priui?) in order to make an environmental point. I remember how much having a car meant in California. This guy better hope he never gets caught. I’ve seen how bad a beatdown someone can get for just scuffing a little paint. Imagine the ass whooping the old lighter fluid treatment will earn you.
- From the “Treacherous Waters” Department – A pirate themed cruise ship ran aground in Miami last night. Reports are that no serious injuries occurred. Hopefully Captain Bluebeard and his scurvy crew are back to work soon. There seems to be a dearth of pirates in the Caribbean lately, and it’s becoming an American icon.
- From the “Progress” Department – Iran has announced that it has been able to fabricate its first nuclear fuel rod. In related news, the Air Force is reporting that they are making special depleted uranium penetrators out of our nuclear fuel rods from the 1960’s.
- From the “Rule Four Fail” Department – A 12 year old boy in Florida is in the hospital after being stuck in the head with what is thought to be New Years Eve celebratory fire. Here we have yet another example of how one douchebag can give the rest of us a bad reputation. I’ve always wondered what it is about New Year’s Eve that turns a responsible gun owner into Ahmed bin Dumbass with the urge to crank off a few shots into the ether.
- From the “Creepy” Department – A new book is asserting that John F. Kennedy Jr. asked Madonna to pose on the front page of his magazine dressed as his mother. Yeah, nothing weird about that. Everyone wants someone whose entire persona is as a bad girl to dress up as mommy dearest for a few candid photos. Need a little something more to make you want to go wash? He got Drew Barrymore to dress up as Marilyn Monroe when she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to his father to do the cover photo when Madonna turned him down. So he went through two women his father slept with in order to get a naughty girl on the cover of his rag. Something tells me John-John had some explaining to do when he got to the afterlife.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 2, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/02/news-roundup-43/
News Roundup
- From the “Mother of the Year” Department – A female genetic provider in New York left her seven year old on the street with a stranger, went into a store with her two year old daughter, used the child as a lookout as she shoplifted, then tried to use the two-year-old in her stroller as a battering ram to escape when she was caught. Wow, two days in a row, and I have two women who endanger their children so they can behave badly. I hope I haven’t discovered a meme.
- From the “Well, Duh” Department – Authorities in Virginia are criticizing a television show in which they are portrayed attempting to find and arrest people brewing illegal whiskey. What? You mean a television producer might lie, cheat, steal, and run over puppies in order to make a show that he can sell to a cable television network? Did these guys actually think that rural law enforcement would be shown in a light more flattering than Roscoe P. Coltrane? And color me unsurprised that said producer would dramatize those parts of his show about illegal activity that were, you know, actually illegal. TV producers might tend towards the slimy side of the population, but they’re not normally stupid.
- From the “Nothing Can Go Wrong Here” Department – A couple busloads of high school students caught a break the other night when police in rural Nevada let them give up their illicit alcohol and marijuana rather than be arrested. The police admit that arresting the entire group would have been difficult due to a lack of facilities to hold them, but I’m sure there’s an unused high school gym somewhere they could have used. The kicker here: the ‘chaperones’ for the group were themselves under 20. So you’ve got high schoolers being minded by 19 and 20 year olds on a trip two states over from their parents. Yeah, that’s a big bag of fail waiting to happen. Someone’s daddy needs a dope slap.
- From the “Domesticated Barbarian” Department – Retailers are coming to grips with the reality that men are doing their fair share of grocery shopping and other household tasks. Wow, only took them 30 years to figure that out. Personally, I’ve been doing about half of the cleaning, shopping, and child rearing for oh, about 20 years now. I have never had a problem finding what I need. I’m a little insulted that they think it’s necessary to make aisles just for men to find the things on their list. Heck, you give me a grocery list, 30 minutes, and an ATM card, and I’ll stock the pantry and have time to drive through Wendy’s to get a milk shake for Boo because he behaved.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 31, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/31/news-roundup-44/
News Roundup
- From the “Good News” Department – A federal court in Washington DC has awarded Dick Heller more than $1.1 million to pay for his legal fees in his famous case against the District for violating his rights to keep and bear arms. Looks like the Second Amendment Foundation will be getting some of the money it spent on the case back so it can continue its good work.
- From the “Bad News” Department – The Government Accounting Office reports that the total amount owed by the American people in the form of Social Security and Medicare, if we were to set aside money now to pay for future use, is $33.8 TRILLION dollars. The Washington Post puts that in a great perspective by pointing out how that compares to the value of the New York Stock Exchange and the total of all homes owned by Americans. Folks, this isn’t a blogger or a guy on a late night AM radio show pointing this stuff out. It’s a mainstream media outlet. The numbers are getting so bad that even those who might want to ignore them are finding it hard to do so. Remember my investment advice – .22 Long Rifle, canned goods, and shotguns.
- From the “Scary News” Department – A young Louisville girl is healing after being attacked by two dogs in the street. She says she was riding her bike when she was knocked to the ground and bitten. She is reported to have multiple bites on her arms and legs. Her mother pulled her to safety in the bed of a truck while her uncle chased the dogs off. The owner of the dogs is expected to appear in court, so these weren’t strays. These were someone’s pets that were running loose. Folks, it’s not always the human predators you have to worry about. Carry your darn guns.
- From the “Mother of the Year” Department – A woman in Louisiana has been arrested and her foster children taken by child services after she left them at a playground and went to a nearby casino to gamble. Mama needs more than a new pair of shoes. She needs a good attorney and a maternal instinct.
- From the “Officer of the Year” Department – A policeman in Cincinnati has been fired after asking a prostitute for child pornography. He claims he was trying to investigate a child pornography ring, and his co-workers say he told them that was what he was doing. The police department claims he was not authorized to be running such an investigation, and he never took his suspicions or plans to his superiors. He is over course trying to get his job back, with the support of his union. Here’s the kicker: He was employed by the police department for four years, and had been disciplined 17 times. That’s a little more than once a quarter, for those of you doing the math in your head. If I got written up 4+ times a year, I’d have been fired long ago. Now that’s some good unioning going on right there.
- From the “Qel Surpris” Department – Manufacturers of artificial marijuana seem to be keeping one step ahead of the law. They have changed the formula for the chemicals in their ‘herbal incense’ enough that it is no longer illegal under the drug control laws earlier forms of the product were violating. Gee, who would have thought that a chemist would have looked at the law forbidding a specific chemical, changed the formula for his intoxicant just enough that it was no longer that chemical but still had the desired effect, and then started using the new concoction. I wish state officials luck in this particular game of whack-a-mole. A law broad enough to make every possible intoxicant like this illegal would be so broad it would never stand up in court. But it’s all worth it because we have to keep people from getting high, no matter the cost.
- From the “So Much Fail” Department – A man in Florida is recovering after shooting himself with a .410 shotgun shell out of the pistol he kept under his pillow. He had heard his dog barking in the night, and grabbed his gun to take with him when he investigated. Wow, lots of stuff going on here. First, he kept his gun under his pillow. One of the reasons I keep a pistol safe in the nightstand is so that I have a few moments to wake up before I touch a gun. Second, either he put his booger hook on the bang switch while it was still pointed at his head, or he kept the gun in such a way that bedding or the pillow caught the trigger, causing it to go off. Not going to comment on his choice of gun. Maybe it’s the gun he can afford, and any gun is better than no gun. Also not going to comment on using .410 shot as a defense load. No-one wants to leak. I’m just glad it hit him in the arm and not in the neck, or this would have brought on yet more of the anti-gunner blood dancing, and I don’t need that right now.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 29, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/29/news-roundup-45/
News Roundup
- From the “So Last Month” Department – The Occupy Louisville group is asking a judge to stop the city from forcing them to dismantle their camp on free speech grounds. Who knew there was an Occupy Louisville movement anymore? I’ll be watching this closely. Judges around here are elected, and if a judge feels that it’s OK for this group to squat in the public square (in more ways than one), then I guess I know who I won’t be voting for.
- From the “This Ain’t Christmas” Department – Priests from the Catholic and Orthodox branches of Christianity had a bit of a brawl the other day in the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of fighting going on during the yearly cleaning up of the church. Maybe they’re trying to start a new tradition. What would Christmas be without Midnight Mass, mince pies, and of course, the annual Christmastime beatdown? Heck, my family has had fist fights at Christmas on multiple occasions throughout the years. Why not make it official?
- From the “Fail” Department – A teenager in Wyoming is in trouble after a .38 Special derringer in her purse went off at a Starbucks. Luckily, no-one was hurt. Let’s see, we’ve got a minor in possession of a handgun, without a carry permit, and probably without being in a holster. Wow, she hit the trifecta. Personally, I hope the judge orders her daddy a good beating for not making sure she didn’t have a gun when she shouldn’t have.
- From the “Bad Trend” Department – 2011 has been a deadly year for law enforcement in the United States. 173 law enforcement personnel died in the line of duty this year, with 68 dying from gunshots and 64 dying from traffic accidents. We give police a lot of heat, usually when they deserve it, but we should never forget that for every cop who’s out on a power trip or is a criminal, there are plenty who are just good, honest people trying to do a job that most everyone else doesn’t want to do. Here’s hoping next year is better.
- From the “3 R’s” Department – An Arizona judge has decided that a “Mexican-American” studies program in Tucson schools is illegal, which could cost the school district millions if they don’t change or eliminate the program. Tucson has a large Hispanic community. I’ve never understood these ethnic study programs. I lived in a predominantly Scandinavian area growing up, and we didn’t need Norsk-American studies programs to get us to get to class and perform. I don’t think there are Hybernian-American studies programs in Boston, or Italian-American studies programs in New York. Maybe if a little more time and energy was spent to get kids to just show up to class and put forth some effort, their ethnic background wouldn’t matter.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 29, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/29/news-roundup-46/
News Roundup
- From the “Custodiae Venalicium” Department – Police are reporting that a large group of ‘juveniles’ at the Mall of America in Minnesota started a fight at the food court, then broke up into smaller groups that roved the mall after police moved in to stop the fight. Sounds like they could have used more men dressed in RobbAllen’s best. Alert Food Court Six.
- From the “Tasty, Tasty Murder” Department – PETA is asking the Illinois Department of Transportation to erect a memorial plaque for cows killed in a traffic accident. While I question their motives, I think that PETA would do their best to make this a mooooving memorial. I just hope they don’t get too bossie about it. I mean, there’s a a lot at steak here.
- From the “Equal Protection Under the Law” Department – The Supreme Court has been asked to take up a case that tries to better define when a police officer is protected against litigation or prosecution. This could get interesting. If police can be taken to court more easily when they break the law or abuse a citizen’s rights, then maybe fewer of them will be willing to do stupid crap.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 27, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/27/news-roundup-47/
News Roundup
- From the “History Rhymes” Department – The government of Cuba has announced that it will be releasing several thousand inmates from its prisons. I believe the next play in the Castro brothers’ playbook is to hold a massive boat lift of people they don’t want in their worker’s paradise, necessitating an equally massive humanitarian effort on our part. Some might consider this a creative way to save money on your prison budget. I see it as another way in which the Obama administration parallels that of President Carter.
- From the “Bad Year” Department – The Russian space agency has had a pretty bad run of luck lately. Several high profile missions, including a supply run to the ISS and a probe to Mars that didn’t quite go well. The latest is a satellite launch that didn’t make it to orbit. This will tell you how far Russia has come. 30 years ago, we would be reading of a glorious opportunity for new rocket scientists to continue the glorious path to the stars set by their late predecessors. Now, the head of the agency holds a press conference, admits fault, and predicts that a new generation of scientists will step forward. Russia isn’t exactly going gangbusters toward liberal democracy, but it’s a sight better than it was a couple of decades ago.
- From the “Bless His Heart” Department – President Obama has flown to Hawaii to join his family for the Christmas holidays. I expect he will be taking a much needed break from his hectic schedule for the next few weeks. I certainly hope he finds time to get in a couple rounds of golf, seeing as he’s almost had to take up that hobby recently. I also certainly hope that the First Lady has a chance to indulge a bit in that epitome of healthy eating that is Hawaiian cuisine. Lord knows she’s earned a break from her campaign and lifestyle of healthy eating. I’m sure that all of the assistants, security, military personnel, and other people who always accompany the President and his entourage will be thankful for having the opportunity to spend Christmas in a tropical paradise without being encumbered by their family and friends.
- From the “This Ain’t Christmas” Department – Nike has cranked up the Michael Jordan money printing machine it’s kept stashed in the basement of its corporate headquarters again. Apparently, this year’s model has the magical ability to cause otherwise peaceful and law-abiding people to start rioting in order to get their own pair. Either that, or the people who lined up two days before Christmas to buy shoes include a fair percentage of jerks. You be the judge.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 24, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/24/news-roundup-48/
News Roundup
- From the “Cornered Cat” – An 81 year old woman in Florida showed that the maternal instinct never ends. When the ladies 61 year old daughter was getting into her truck to take them both to a TV show taping, sumdood decided to rob and beat the daughter. The 81 year old woman, knowing that the thug had a gun and she had nothing but her attitude, started beating on the miscreant and drove him off. How many times do I have to tell these people? Don’t mess with Grandma!
- From the “Then You Do It!” Department – A federal judge has stuck down parts of South Carolina’s anti-illegal immigration statutes. I suppose now that police officers are prohibited from inquiring into the immigration status of someone they suspect, all that’s left for them to do is to ask nicely that illegal immigrants consider camping out on the front yard of the federal courthouse. Hey, if the feds aren’t going to enforce immigration laws, then maybe they ought to be inconvenienced by their refusal.
- From the “14 minutes, 55 seconds” Department – The Occupy Something movement has announced that they plan to bring their own floats to the Tournament of Roses Parade in California next weekend. They are apparently going to have floats that include ‘alternate’ wordings for the Constitution, and of course, Cindy Sheehan will be there to speak. I guess now that the Iraq war is over, she needs something new to make sure she gets her Vitamin D from the limelight. I look forward to footage of soccer moms who have been camped out on the sidewalk in Pasadena for three days laying a beating on some hippies for screwing up their morning.
- From the “My Heart Bleeds” Department – Witnesses for Bradley Manning, the young twit who is accused of leaking classified documents to Wikileaks, have asserted that their unit did not have appropriate levels of supervision. In earlier testimony, Manning’s defense team has asserted that he was under an unusual amount of stress because he was a closeted gay soldier before the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and that prompted his crimes. Here’s my take – This whining little punk obviously shouldn’t be issued non-blunted eating utensils because he can’t be trusted to eat without injuring himself without proper supervision. Same thing goes for using the men’s room and getting himself dressed. Not enough supervision? What a crock. Military Intelligence teams are loosely lead at best. A soldier, especially an analyst like Manning, has to be expected to be able to work on his own within very broad guidelines, so long as his work is supporting the goals of the team. It’s called being an adult. Thousands of soldiers do the same job with the same amount of supervision, and they don’t betray their country. And as for his assertion that being a gay soldier in the military is so stressful that he had to act like a twit, well, let’s just say I don’t buy it. I knew intelligence soldiers who were in the closet before Clinton came out with DADT, which means that they were under continual threat of being investigated, losing their access and/or clearance, and being booted out of the military. To my knowledge, none of them printed off a bunch of classified material and sent it to the Soviets. Here’s an alternate theory: This piece of crap decided the Army was mean to him, and he wanted to get in good with someone who disliked the Army as much as he did, and he paid for his way into the in-crowd with classified material. Now, he doesn’t have the ability to sack up and accept the consequences for his actions, and is instead blaming everyone for his crimes. Yes, his leadership failed, especially when they realized just what a little putz they had on their hands and didn’t take him out of the SCIF by the seat of his pants and put him on human waste removal detail. And yeah, having to be secretive and discreet about your sexuality sucks. But that’s no reason to betray your oath.
- From the “Qel Surpris” Department – Jimmy Carter has sent a letter to the new leader of North Korea, expressing his condolences for the death of Kim Jong Il and wishing him luck as he takes the reigns of the country. You know, there have been those who express the opinion that Jimmy Carter is finally being surpassed as the worst president our republic has ever had now that Obama is being used as a proof of the Peter Principle. But things like this turn the competition to be worst president ever into a horse race. I think Obama is really going to have to up his game both now and after he leaves office in order to overtake Carter.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 23, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/23/news-roundup-49/
News Roundup
- From the “Run Run Rudolph” Department – An Ohio man was able to re-capture a reindeer that had gotten loose from a cattle truck. Luckily, the animal only got minor injuries from it’s escape attempt. Apparently, reindeer truly cannot fly, at least from the back of a truck going 55.
- From the “Road Hazard” Department – A volunteer fire fighter in Texas pulled a man from a burning car while dressed as Santa. He then started directing traffic around the accident. My guess is no-one gave the Jolly Old Elf any lip when he told them to take a left turn when they wanted to go straight. When they make a movie of this, I see Bruce Willis as the main character, a gruff veteran firefighter who has lost his holiday spirit, but gets it back when the car explodes.
- From the “Beer is Food” Department – A new report asserts that eating certain foods, such as turkey, grains, and vegetables, can reduce stress due to their nutrition. Personally, I’ve found a steak, a cold beer, and homemade macaroni and cheese does wonders for my attitude.
- From the “Cold and Dark” Department – New EPA regulations will require operators of coal fired power plants to install new equipment that cleans mercury and other pollutants out of their emissions. The new rules will go into force in 2015, and will probably mean the closure of some power plants that cannot be retrofitted in a cost-effective manner. No word yet on whether or not new nuclear power plants will be started in time to make up the difference, or if those of us who actually pay for energy will just have to pay more for keeping the lights on and the house warm.
- From the “Walking While Blotto” Department – A doctor in Illinois is asserting that walking home from the bar is just as dangerous as driving home. I guess friends don’t let friends stumble. Remember, no matter what it takes, take away their sneakers. Walking home drunk can lead to getting hit by a car, passing out on the front lawn, and having to make the walk of shame the next morning.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 22, 2011
https://daddybearsden.com/2011/12/22/news-roundup-50/
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