- From the “Yanking the Leash” Department – The Supreme Court has ruled that law enforcement must obtain a search warrant before affixing a GPS device to a vehicle in order to track a suspect’s movements. I agree with this. If the police want to know where I go and when, they ought to have to go before a judge and prove their case a bit. Of course, any policeman tracking my movements is going to die of boredom, but hey, I might become interesting again. It could happen!
- From the “Pretty Lights” Department – A large and powerful solar flare is expected to impact flights over the Earth’s poles this week. I expect to be going out and watching the Northern Lights if the sky is clear. I need to get a short wave radio one of these days so that I can show Girlie Bear how to listen to the aurora borealis. It’ll be a bummer if the storm interferes with digital communicaac8qfnq1l24kinmva8.
- From the “Tread Lightly” Department – My senator, Rand Paul, was detained at the Nashville airport yesterday because he refused to allow a TSA agent to perform a proctological exam on him after the porn-o-tron showed an anomaly on his leg. Apparently showing the part of the body that’s been indicated isn’t good enough. For those of you paying attention, inconveniencing a senator who will have an impact on your funding is considered a less than optimal move for a federal agency. Personally, I hope this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
- From the “Wishing Her Luck” Department – Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, who was wounded in an assassination attempt by a deranged man last year, has announced that she is resigning her seat in Congress so that she can concentrate on her recovery. I wish Mrs. Giffords luck and continued progress. Brain injuries are a hard row to hoe, and she’s going to need all the time and energy she can muster.
- From the “Steam” Department – NASA has announced that it has observed and recorded a comet disintegrating as it plunged into the sun. I can draw a political line from this in that if the Republicans don’t get their act together soon, that’s what’s going to happen to them in November.
- From the “Blotto in a Volvo” Department – A man in Florida was arrested after police discovered he was drunk. Nothing particularly newsworthy there. Unfortunately, people get drunk and climb into the driver’s seat every day. What is unique here is that the gentleman was so drunk he didn’t notice he was missing a tire. Now, I’ve had a tire fall off of a car before, and it puts on quite a light and sound show, so you’d have to be pretty messed up not to notice. Maybe he just thought the sparks was part of a new flame job he didn’t know he had.
- From the “Prescient Without a License” Department – Authorities in Massachusetts are summoning psychics in the Boston area to a special board to explain why they are operating without a license. Apparently in order to look at auras, stare at tea leaves, and gaze into crystal balls in Boston, you have to give city hall their pound of flesh. I’m guessing the psychics will cooperate fully. I mean, it’s not like they’re holding the tribunal in Salem or anything. Although, if I were one of these people, I’d be getting with anyone else and seeing if anyone has a bad vibe. You just never know.
- From the “Don’t Let The Door Hit You” Department – A member of the Norwegian government has stated his opinion that unemployed immigrants should go home and stop utilizing the generous benefits of the Scandinavian country. Sounds good to me, and I’m not surprised that people would be staying in Norway for the benefits. It’s not like they’re staying for the mild winters.
- From the “Don’t Mess With Grandma” Department – An 85 year old woman saved her husband’s life by driving off an angry moose with a shovel recently. Having been chased by a moose across two lakes in the Minnesota Boundary Waters, I can appreciate how much guts it took to start whacking the swamp donkey about the head and shoulders. One thing’s for sure: That husband will never give his wife lip again. Not only does he owe her his life, he also knows that she is not afraid to die.
All posts in category news
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on January 23, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/23/news-roundup-31/
News Roundup
- From the “Gangster Guns” Department – Two guns formerly owned by the notorious Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were recently auctioned in Kansas City. The Thompson submachine gun and Winchester shotgun sold for $210,000. I hope the new owner is a young person, because by the time the ATF OK’s the transfer of the machine gun, they’re going to be antiques themselves.
- From the “No Kidding?” Department – The captain of the Italian cruise ship that ran aground after hitting a rock has admitted that he “messed up”. Remember, this is the guy who ran his ship into an island, got off the boat as fast as he could, then argued with rescue coordinators as to whether or not he should return to his ship and assist in rescue efforts. Son, “messed up” is what I call it when I put caramel flavored creamer in my coffee when I meant to put in un-flavored. What you did can best be described as “poking the pooch”, “stepping on your schwanz”, or “biting the big one”. I wonder how you say “soup sandwich” in Italian?
- From the “Performing as Planned” Department – A TSA agent and his wife have been charged with theft after investigators discovered that the agent was putting pilfered belongings from travelers in a pocket that had been sewn into his uniform. For those of you who are keeping track, this one goes in the ever-increasing “Breaking the Law and Violating People’s Rights” column of your scorecard, while the “Catching Terrorists” column should add up to precisely “diddly” over “squat”.
- From the “Hole in my Head” Department – A man in Illinois walked around for several days with a 3 1/2 inch nail in his head. He took a knock to the noggin with a nail gun, thought the nail had missed, and went about his business. I can sympathize with him. I once walked around for a couple of days with a piece of buckshot in my hand before noticing that my left hand was turning funny colors and changing shape. Some would call that a high pain tolerance. However, the official report from the emergency room probably included the term “not too bright”.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 22, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/22/news-roundup-32/
News Roundup
- From the “What’s In A Name?” Department – The twin spacecraft currently orbiting the moon have been named “Ebb” and “Flow” by an elementary school in Montana. I personally liked “Ren” and “Stimpy”, “Shaggy” and “Scooby”, or “Mork” and “Mindy”, but to each his own.
- From the “Portable Pornoscan” Department – Police in New York have unveiled a new way of finding out if someone is carrying a gun. Their new toy would note when the infrared radiation from a human body would be disrupted by a gun, which would allow police to stop a suspect and investigate. The claim is that it would only be used when there is probable cause for a search, but I don’t buy it. No tool given to the authorities is immune from abuse. How would a legal CCW carrier signify to police that they are legal unless they do something takes away the “concealed” portion of CCW without being hassled by every police officer who points this thing at them? If this is successfully developed and deployed, I suggest that all people start carrying around blunt triangle shaped pieces of pot metal so that the signal to noise ratio goes to hell for Officer NotSoFriendly.
- From the “Really?” Department – A new study asserts that nitrogen, one of the most common elements on our planet, is bad for the ecology. Now, I’ll accept that misuse of nitrogen based fertilizer and contamination of rivers and oceans is bad. But I’d prefer to find a way to mitigate that damage than go back to the days when scientists used math to predict how many people would starve to death because we were overcoming the ability of the planet to produce enough food for everyone. Then again, maybe that’s the point.
- From the “Happy New Year” Department – Fox News is reporting that the State Department plans to disapprove of the proposed oil pipeline from Canada to Texas, which would have added more petroleum to our stocks, provided jobs to build and maintain the pipeline, and reduced our dependence on oil from such bastions of democracy as Venezuala and Saudi Arabia. However, there are concerns about the environmental impact of the pipeline, especially as it crosses several sensitive areas in the midwest. So to my Chinese readers, please take this as an early New Year’s present from our country to yours. Canada has already said that if we don’t want to buy their oil, they’re more than happy to ship it to their west coast and put it on tankers for y’all. Gung hei fat choi!
- From the “Not Good Enough” Department – The TSA has announced that screeners at Kennedy Airport were mistaken when they made elderly women remove a back brace so that it could be x-ray’ed and expose a colostomy bag for inspection. The screeners in question will be given ‘refresher training’ on how to deal with travellers with medical conditions. How about this: If you think that elderly grandmothers pose a security risk dire enough that you’d make them disrobe in an airport, you’re too screwed up to be a TSA security screener. Instead of refresher training, these bozos should be shown the door, given a firm handshake, and told to find somewhere else where they’re better qualified to make a living.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 19, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/19/news-roundup-33/
News Roundup
- From the “Good Start” Department – President Obama is asking Congress for the authority to streamline the executive branch a bit, cut a couple thousand jobs, and thereby save about $3 billion over the next decade. Again, the president is finally doing something I can support, which is surprising. Basically, he’s shuffling a few pieces of the government around, eliminating .1 percent of the federal workforce, and is looking to save about .02 percent of the current federal debt. I give him credit for trying, but there’s a lot more to do before our future goes from “boned” to “rosy”.
- From the “Not Good Enough” Department – The TSA has announced that they will begin testing security agents at several airports for ill effects that could be related to full body scanners. No plans to actually test the scanners themselves, just the agents who run them. Because, you know, it’s better to see if anyone has frank symptoms as opposed to checking to see if the equipment itself is faulty.
- From the “Good for Him” Department – The prime minister of Canada has reminded anti-oil activists in the United States that Canada is still a sovereign nation, distinct from the whining crowds of Washington, Berkeley, and Boston. Something I’ve heard a few lonely voices say on this whole Canadian oil kerfluffle that hasn’t been picked up by the mass media is that Canada is going to harvest this oil and sell it to somebody. It might be us, or it might be China, but they’re going to sell it. No amount of whining on our part is going to stop them if we decide we just can’t stand to buy oil from a stable democracy that borders us.
- From the “I’m Lovin’ It!” Department – A woman in California was arrested on suspicion of prostitution after patrons at a Burbank McDonalds reported she was walking down the line at the drive through asking people to buy her Chicken McNuggets in exchange for sexual favors. I only have this one comment: It’s “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” not “Who would you do for Chicken McNuggets?”.
- From the “Really?” Department – A 99 cent store in New York has been fined $30,000 for stocking and selling toy cowboy guns that officials assert that are too realistic looking. Of course, every gangbanger on earth carries around cheap, shiny plastic replicas of single action revolvers with orange tips on the barrels. Apparently, they’re doing it for the children.
- From the “That was quick” Department – Iraqi officials have begun to harass foreign contractors over visas and other paperwork that has “expired”. Basically, the contractors the U.S. left behind to do the work that soldiers would be doing if an acceptable Status of Forces Agreement had been reached are being treated in pretty much the same way our soldiers would have been if they had stayed behind without one. My suggestion: Close the embassy, move it to the Kurd area where they like us, demand our people be compensated in gold for their trouble, and tell the rest of Iraq to go piss up a rope.
- From the “Really Golden Oldie” Department – The tomb of a singer has been found in Egypt’s Valley of the Kings. Amazingly, it appears that the tomb is intact after almost 3000 years. This will allow archaeologists to investigate the tomb to learn more about life in the ancient kingdom. Currently they are translating hieroglyphics for songs such as “Pharaoh Don’t Preach”, “Who Let Canubis Out?”, and “Pharaoh of Pain”.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 17, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/17/news-roundup-34/
News Roundup
- From the “Surprise, Surprise, Surprise” Department – Oprah Winfrey has made a non-endorsement endorsement of Barack Obama for reelection. Those of you who survived the 2008 campaign should recall how Ms. Winfrey made it her personal crusade to put Mr. Obama in the White House, so it should come as no surprise that she thinks four more years of his personal style of presidency is a good idea. Ms. Winfrey also described Obama as “masterful”. I could go for the cheap joke about a successful black woman using the word “masterful” about another American of African descent, but I’ll leave that one alone. Well, it looks like Obama has the “billionaire black woman from Chicago” vote all sewn up. I wonder if he’ll have the “fat film director from Michigan” vote in November? Does anyone know where he stands with the “overrated harpie who got their start sitting on North Vietnamese anti-aircraft guns and living off of her father’s acting legacy” portion of our populace?
- From the “Never Smile at a Crocodile” Department – Italian police report that a suspected drug dealer used a caiman to guard his stash. Imagine a caiman as what you would get if you stunted the growth of a crocodile by giving it unfiltered Pall Malls and cheap whiskey as an infant. Then make it a little grumpier than the average crocodilian. Apparently someone watched a little too much Miami Vice as a kid. No word on whether or not the reptile was named Elvis.
- From the “Genius or Bad Idea?” Department – Scientists in Oregon plan to pump millions of gallons of water into a dormant volcano in order to generate steam to drive power turbines. One has to ask if the steam turbines will generate enough power to outweigh the cost of pumping water into the mountains, but hey, who am I to ask hard questions? And am I the only one to think that this is something that Dr. Evil would have come up with? “I will pump millions of gallons of water into a volcano and cause huge earthquakes and steam eruptions unless you pay me one hundred billion dollars!”
- From the “Shocked” Department – The White House has made its reservations about SOPA public. Well, I’ll be dipped. President Obama is actually taking a position that I agree with and support. Have to mark this day on the calendar. What’s next? Is he going to come out on Monday and he wants to make massive cuts to entitlement programs in order to better align the federal budget with reality? Yeah, I know, ever the starry eyed optimist.
- From the “Unintended Consequences” Department – A woman in Louisiana had to have one of her arms and a shoulder surgically removed after she developed a rather nasty infection from injecting bath salts in order to get higher than Everest. Apparently this is the latest method of slow suicide available to the American consumer. All I can say is this: Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 16, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/16/news-roundup-35/
News Roundup
- From the “Father of the Year” Department – A Louisville man was arrested after his three children told their teachers that their father gave them baggies of stuff to carry to school and the teacher discovered that the baggies contained drugs. The man came to the school before he found out his little ruse was unravelling and asked to speak to his kids alone. My guess is he wanted to be able to get out of the house clean and pick up his amateur pharmaceutical supplies from his unwitting mules. Just goes to show that you don’t need to prove you know how to be a good parent before you start hatching children.
- From the “Reinforcing Stereotypes” Department – Authorities in Sweden report that levels of some drugs went up in the water of a river during a reggae festival. It is believed that the increased levels of drugs such as ibuprofen come from revelers using the bushes instead of portapotties and the runoff ending up in the river. This tells me that Swedish scientists aren’t testing for the right drugs, because I have a hard time believing that reggae festival goers used ibuprofen as their favorite pharmaceutical. Although, if you’ve ever listened to reggae for more than an hour or so, you can understand why they needed pain relievers.
- From the “Practically Chicken” Department – A man in Orlando is under arrest after authorities saw him try to strangle a swan and carried the bird around by the neck. I have it on good authority that swans are quite tasty, so I can understand why the gentleman wanted to catch his own fresh, organic poultry. However, doing it at a public pond usually gets the neighbors talking.
- From the “Pissing in the Wind” Department – A video showing several U.S. Marines urinating on the dead bodies of Afghani insurgents is making the rounds and has drawn condemnation from both the Afghan and American governments. If the term “HEADDESK” just went through your mind, congratulations. Rule number one gentlemen: Don’t be F***ING stupid. One question: Where was the leadership? Why didn’t an NCO see what these guys were doing, make them stop using the most direct physical and verbal intervention strategies available, then make sure that no-one in the unit did something just as dumb, like post video of it to the bloody internet?
- From the “Holes in the Shield” Department – A security research firm has announced that a piece of Chinese malware has been used to try to gain access to military networks through the smart cards used as part of the identification process on those networks. No reports yet on whether or not the trojan attack was successful, but that sound you just heard was General Keith Alexander’s soul screaming loud enough to set off the fire alarm.
- From the “Brilliant!” Department – Mercedes Benz is apologizing for using an image of Che Guavera during a presentation at CES in Las Vegas. Apparently using the image of a mass murdering Communist didn’t trip any editorial trigger when the presentation was created, reviewed, practiced, re-reviewed, and finally approved by legal and marketing. Coming soon: Pictures of Chairman Mao to sell ice cream, a new campaign showing Stalin holding a tablet computer, and now that we are starting planning for grilling season, a campaign showing Idi Amin eating a hot dog.
- From the “Medical Mishaps” Department – A crew of medics transporting a heart to a hospital in Mexico City for transplant had a heart stopping moment when one of them tripped and dropped the organ onto the street. Doctors were still able to use the heart, and the patient is reported as doing well. And some good will come of this: It might help to keep the recipient well grounded. No matter how far up he or she goes in society, their heart will still be in the street.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 13, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/13/news-roundup-36/
News Roundup
- From the “Shocked” Department – The CDC is reporting that murder as a cause of death has fallen off of the top 15 reasons Americans die for the first time since 1965. No way is this true. We have been told by our betters that guns cause murder, and the number of guns owned by private citizens has surged to all time highs. This has to be a huge coverup engineered by the NRA, the NSA, and the NCAA.
- From the “Real World Example” Department – An “animal rights” group has taken responsibility for the recent torching of several trucks used to haul cattle. Attention Department of Homeland Security: This is an example of domestic terrorism. The guy who’s got a Bible, a gun safe, a bucket of bullets, and some MRE’s is not setting trucks, car dealerships, ski lodges, or housing developments on fire.
- From the “Father of the Year” Department – Police were called to the Occupy Washington camp recently because some bluntskull thought it would be a good idea to leave his 13 month old daughter alone, in a onesie, in a tent, in January. I look forward to this guy being put in the stocks, in a onesie, in January. See? I don’t just pick on women.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 12, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/12/news-roundup-37/
News Roundup
- From the “No Kidding” Department – A new study finds that 25% of Iraqis polled say they are “suffering”. This is an increase from 2009. And to that I say this: What did you expect? You all had 8 years to create a functioning government, learn to keep the lights and water on, and create police forces that are more than well equipped gangs. Now that we’ve taken our ball and gone home, you get to be big boys and girls and try to not re-enact Lord of the Flies on a national scale. To be perfectly honest, I don’t give two hoots about whether or not Iraqis feel they are suffering.
- From the “Doom” Department – The United States’ national debt has come to equal the countries GDP. For those of you playing at home, that means that we owe as much money as the value of every transaction, service, and thing that we build in this country. The economy, which is still growing at less than 2% a year, would have to grow at over 6% a year in order to stay ahead of the debt at the rate it’s growing. That sound you hear is our thrifty ancestors crawling out of the grave to pimp slap the lot of us.
- From the “Atmosphere” Department – A man in France recently had a really bad night. He dropped his wallet into the sewer, went in after it and got stuck, and spent the night with his head in a French sewer. To add insult to injury, when police helped to rescue him, they noticed that he had been putting waste oil into the sewer at the time of his accident, and now he’s being prosecuted for polluting. So what is worse than having your head caught in a French sewer? Having your head caught in a French sewer you’ve been topping off with used motor oil.
- From the “Public Employee of the Year” Department – A school worker in New York had her daughters call her employer to report that a fictitious sister had died of a heart attack, then she forged a death certificate so that she could get time off for bereavement and jet her way to the tropical paradise that is Puerto Rico. School officials became suspicious when her poor job of photoshopping the death certificate was spotted. Apparently she didn’t consult with Dan Rather on how to make sure the correct fonts are used.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 10, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/10/news-roundup-38/
News Roundup
- From the “Classy” Department – A young lady in Colorado is complaining because her high school yearbook committee rejected her rather racy senior picture. I’ve seen the picture, and I agree with the yearbook staff. A few less stitches and the 18 year old could send her picture to Larry Flint. On the other hand, when she starts dancing professionally, she’ll already have a glamour shot to give to club managers.
- From the “Better Christian Than Me” Department – The lady who was critically injured just prior to Halloween when two miscreants dropped a shopping cart on her has expressed concern and forgiveness for the two delinquents who injured her. Just goes to show that there are good people in the world, even if the people she is worried about richly deserve her wrath.
- From the “Qel Surpris” Department – Communist authorities in China apparently like their cars big, expensive, and fast. Reports of Bentleys, Porsches, and Masseratis cruising around the Asian powerhouse are becoming common. I also understand that an entire Trabant factory is being brought in to provide affordable transportation for the proletariat.
- From the “Baby Blues” Department – Parents at a hospital in New York City are upset because celebrity parents Jay Z. and Beyonce were allowed to take over an entire floor of the maternity ward when they recently had their baby. Private security kept people out of waiting rooms and hallways while the happy couple were enjoying their new bundle of joy. This included parents of other children who were born recently, including premature infants in the NICU. Two things here: Money doesn’t buy class, and it’s never too early to start teaching your child how to act like a spoiled thug. If you’re that worried about your wife and child, why not have it done at a more private facility? Hell, for the amount of money they spent on ‘redecorating’ the hospital, they could have had an entire NICU installed in their home so little “Blue” could have been born away from the hoi-poloi.
- From the “Darwin Cheated” Department – A young lady from Australia survived a plunge into the Zambezi River, home of the semi-annual “Hunt for the Crocodile Victim” competition, after the bungie cord she was using to jump from the bridge over Victoria Falls broke. The young lady is doing well, but had to spend a week in the hospital after her plunge and swim. She wasn’t seriously injured, but after her body evacuated all available orifices, she needed nutritional support for a few days to get caught back up.
- From the “Aw Hell” Department – Soldiers of the 2nd Infantry Division in Washington state are on lockdown as authorities try to find several pieces of ‘sensitive’ equipment that have gone missing. Every soldier I have ever met cringes at the term “missing sensitive gear”. When they find the people who are responsible for the loss, they’d probably be well-advised to fess up and get shipped to Leavenworth quickly rather than be let loose among the thousands of troops who spent time locked down on base and away from their families.
- From the “Goofy on a Unicycle” Department – North Korea’s new God-King was recently shown on television driving a tank. Two words come to mind when I think about this: Michael Dukakis.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 9, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/09/news-roundup-39/
News Roundup
- From the “Oops” Department – General Motors, also known as the Glorious People’s Automotive Manufacturing Cooperative # 1, has announced that it will recall all of its Chevrolet Volt hybrids so that the area that houses the lithium batteries can be reinforced against damage. This comes as a response to an incident at the NHTSA where a Volt that had gone through impact testing spontaneously caught fire three weeks later due to damage to the batteries. My guess is that GM will put each of the Volts up on a lift, shove a Toyota Corolla underneath, then lower the Volt down. That should fix everything.
- From the “Good For Them” Department – The United States Navy has shown that the law goes beyond politics. During a time when Tehran and Washington are hissing and spitting at each other, a team from a U.S. destroyer freed 13 Iranian sailors from their pirate captors. One would hope that the Iranians would do the same for us.
- From the “Small Change” Department – A bill that is working its way through Congress would force the TSA to stop pocketing the money that is left behind at security checkpoints. Instead, the money would be given to the USO, a service organization that provides aide to service members while travelling and deployed. I support starving this particular beast, so I hope to see this come to fruition.
- From the “My Home is my Castle” Department – Squatters in Texas are trying to take over homes by moving in and filing paperwork with the state while the owners are away. Homeowners are forced to go to court in order to reclaim their property after coming home from an extended time away to find a stranger living in, modifying, and cleaning out their homes. Personally, I would be asking my representative from the offices of Ruger, Smith, Wesson, Taurus, Mossberg, and Remington to take care of the issue for me. They seem to be very persuasive.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 6, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/01/06/news-roundup-40/
DaddyBear
DaddyBear’s Den 
