• From the “Bad Night” Department – A police officer, his K9 partner, and a suspect in a crime were run over when the car the suspect had been driving rolled forward.  At the time, the officer was struggling with the suspect and the suspect had forgotten to put it in park when he bolted from the car.  Something tells me that by the time he gets out of jail, he’s going to wish the darn thing had run over his head.
• From the “That Explains It” Department – A British woman living in North Dakota has been diagnosed as being allergic to cold temperatures.  She reports that she and other members of her family have always had pain in their joints and other symptoms when the temperature drops.  Having lived in Grand Forks, I hope she has plans to spend the winter a bit further south. It gets so cold up there that you bring the brass monkey in for the night sometimes.  You know it’s cold when International Falls is on the local forecast map every day.  Although I wish I’d known about this condition when I was living up there.  “Ma, I can’t go out there and shovel the snow.  It’s so cold that my joints will swell up and I won’t be able to do anything for days but watch TV.”.
• From the “You First” Department – A new technology developed in Texas promises to bring a future where humans don’t drive their cars.  Instead, an on-board computer would communicate with a coordinator computer to mesh it with other cars on the road, especially at intersections.  Nothing can go wrong here.  I will never allow me or my kids to use such technology.  I work with computers and I trust them about as far as I can see them, and even then I watch them closely.    What are you going to do when you look up from your morning paper to discover that your computer chauffeur is choking on its own lungs and you’re speeding towards an intersection chock full of nuns and old people?
• From the “Building Bridges” Department – Our long, local nightmare is finally over.  The I-64 bridge over the Ohio River re-opened Friday night.  It was closed last fall when workers found cracks in some of the supports.  What this has meant is that most of the traffic between Kentucky and Indiana has been going over two bridges instead of three.  Commutes that used to take 30 minutes have been averaging over two hours.   Now things should return to normal, at least until they start closing the other two bridges to repair all of the damage that the dramatic increase in traffic caused.  

• From the “Airing It Out” Department – An 18 year old woman was arrested recently in Texas after taking police on a slow-speed chase wearing nothing but her cowboy boots.  You know, if 18 year old women driving around starkers is wrong, I don’t want to be right. To me, that’s as American as Mom, apple pie, and baseball. 
• From the “Slow News Day” Department – Staff working for former President George H.W. Bush are reporting that he is making a habit of frequently wearing strange socks.  Apparently the issues in the Mid-East, the economy, and the latest escapades of reality TV have all been reported if the press can spend time reporting on the socks that an 87 year old man chooses to wear. 
• From the “10 Feet Tall and Bulletproof” Department – A man in Russia is under arrest after stabbing a friend in the stomach with a kitchen knife.  At the time of the stabbing, the friend was under the mistaken belief that his abs were so hard a knife wouldn’t penetrate.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  Vodka is a hell of a drug.  In their defense, how many of us men haven’t been drinking with buddies and the “I’m so tough I can XYZ” conversation/argument starts up.  For me, that led to one armed pushups, parachute landing falls off of an old storm wall on Monterey beach, and rappelling off the side of a four story building using clothesline as rope and a padlock as a caribiner.  Yeah, I’m lucky I lived to see the age of 20.  Never thought to have someone stab me to prove my manhood.  Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me.
• From the “Meta” Department – A man recently had a heart attack while eating at the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas.  This establishment is known for their artery clogging menu, so I guess it was just a matter of time before someone coded while dining there.  Let’s face it, people who are in good shape aren’t going to eat at that place very often.  Since I’m a disgusting widebody, it might be one of those places I try in the event I ever get to Nevada again.  I’ll just be sure to take a lipitor, a lisinopril, and a couple of aspirin before heading over.
• From the “Welcome to the Party” Department – A Pennsylvania man is being assisted by the ACLU in suing the Philadelphia police department for violating his rights under the 1st and 2nd Amendments.  Seems the man was legally open carrying in Philadelphia, and on three occasions was stopped and harassed by the police.  He recorded one of the incidents and posted the audio on the Internet.  Apparently the city fathers of Philadelphia didn’t care for that, because they had him charged with two crimes and tried to arrest him at his place of employment.  Those charges were eventually dropped.  I wish the gentleman luck.  Usually when a city has to pay out a big hunk of money in lawsuits, they find a way to make sure that the thing that got them sued doesn’t happen again.  Or at least they do something different that’s just as heinous. Either way, I hope he succeeds, and I’m glad to see that the ACLU has decided that gun rights are just as important as the right to assemble or to speak.

• From the “Rocket Surgery” Department – The European Space Agency has announced that their latest rocket, the Vega, has made its maiden flight.  It is expected that the Vega will be used to lift satellites into orbit alongside its larger models, the Soyuz and the Ariane.  That is, it will be used for that purpose until the engine quits and it starts to rust through.  Once it reaches that state, it will probably be replaced with a more efficient Japanese rocket and sit on blocks in front of ESA headquarters until sold for scrap to pay for tickets to see Van Halen.
•  From the “Self Correcting Problem” Department – A man has been going to high school athletic matches and jumping on the backs of athletes.  Apparently someone didn’t get enough hugs as a kid, and now he needs attention.  The man has been convicted of several crimes connected to these acts, but that doesn’t seem to deter him.  My guess is he will continue to do this until he jumps on the back of a rugby player or the fathers of the athletes he’s messing with start wearing steel toed workboots to the games.  After that, the problem will be taken care of all by itself.
• From the “Want Fries With That?” Department – A McDonalds manager in Australia is under arrest after throwing hot oil on a man who came across the counter at him.  Police are trying to decide if the man acted in self defense.  I’m not going to try to influence your views on this, but I plan on having McDonalds for lunch tomorrow to go with my Starbucks.
• From the “Four Rules” Department – A woman in Florida was shot in the head after a parishioner at her church took his gun out to show it to someone else, but forgot that even when you take the magazine out of the gun, there may still be a bullet in the chamber.  Heck, I’ve found that bullets sometimes grow there all by themselves, even after you swear you checked it.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  By our dumbasses shall we be judged.  This idiot broke at least two of the Four Rules, and because of his bad judgement, a young woman is badly wounded.  Here’s hoping she pulls through, and that this jerk serves as a good example of what not to do.

• From the “Progress” Department – The Nuclear Regulatory Commission has approved the first license to construct a nuclear reactor in the United States since 1978.  Two new reactors will be added to an existing nuclear power plant in Georgia.  I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of hippies cried out in terror, then were silenced.  The new reactors are scheduled to come online in 2017, but to be honest, I don’t expect to see them in this decade.  Beyond the normal overruns in time and money, I’m sure that massive amounts of time and money will be spent in court over this.
• From the “Parents Behaving Badly” Department – A father in Ohio has been arrested for child abuse after putting his three year old son in a running dryer.  Apparently he thought a little time on the permanent press cycle would teach the boy a lesson.  I suggest he be locked inside a dryer for a few hours until he’s a nice medium rare.  In related news, a Louisville woman has been arrested after punching her 10 year old child during anger management counselling.  Yeah, because nothing says “I love you” like a black eye.   At least now we know why she needs the counselling. 
• From the “Drug War” Department – Authorities in Mexico have seized 15 tons of methamphetamine in a raid near Guadalajara.  That’s mind boggling.  I wonder how many people they had to hire to pop enough Sudafed out of those little cards to make that much meth.  Someone at the Walgreens in Guadalajara has a bit of explaining to do.  It’s not like people outside the reach of our drug warriors could get hold of tons of pharmaceutical grade ingredients and then smuggle the finished product across our southern border.
• From the “Valentine’s Surprise” Department – A restaurant in Oregon is offering to deliver a “Salamigram” to sweethearts for St. Valentine’s Day.  I think this is a good idea, because nothing says “I love you” like smoked meat.  The last time I sent a salamigram to a young lady she….. never mind.

The following topics are officially on my list of things I give less than a tinker’s damn about:

• The family planning maneuvers of millionaires done in an effort to circumvent the legal system
• The sexual liaisons of a president who died almost a decade before I was born
• The presence of ‘celebrities’ at a sporting event or lack thereof
•  The dating practices of the sister of the wife of the guy who might be in line to take over a foreign countries symbolic monarchy if his grandmother passes on and his dad doesn’t hold onto the throne for a few decades.
• The latest rumors about the next version of everyone’s favorite magic elf box

If any of you know a journalist, please pass this on.  

• From the “Good Walk Spoiled” Department – A man in Texas is recovering after his groin was impaled with the shaft of a broken putter during a fight on the golf course.  All you gentlemen may now uncross your legs.  Reports are that his femoral artery was cut, so he’s lucky to be alive.  How do you score that?  If his balls were hit once, is that an eagle or a hole in one?
• From the “About….FACE!” Department – President Obama is urging his supporters to donate to a super PAC that goes by the name of “Priorities USA”.  This would allow his supporters to donate ginormous amounts of cash to support his reelection bid without bumping up against those pesky donation limits.  I don’t really care for that name.  I think the first black president should call his super PAC the “Totally Unaffiliated Political Action Committee”.  That way any underhanded dealings by the PAC would be hard to trace back to the president.  Also, something tells me that TUPAC would do really well on the West Coast, a critical region for the president’s fund raising efforts.
• From the “Local News” Department – A new company formed from the owners of a successful amusement park has begun negotiating to take over a failed amusement park here in Louisville.  Kentucky Kingdom has failed twice before, including when it was run by Six Flags.   This brings up that venerable question:  How do you make a small fortune running an amusement park in Louisville?  And the answer, of course, begins with “Well, you start with a large fortune….”.
• From the “Straw Man” Department – 13 people have been arrested in Texas after being accused of making gun purchases for a Mexican drug cartel.  No word yet on how many of them have ATF “Get Out of Jail Free” cards.  
• From the “Mother of the Year” Department – A woman in Memphis was arrested recently when police found that she had left her children in a running car while she went to have her nails done.  When police were talking to her, she dropped a bag of weed into the car, and police also noticed that one of the small children was holding a loaded handgun and pointing it at the officers.  Wow, that’s quite a lot going on.  You’ve got a woman leaving her kids in the car so she can get her nails done did, a bag of marijuana dropped in the floorboards, and a child with a loaded handgun.  She must have stayed up late at night to think up that much fail.  Wonder what she’ll do for an encore?

• From the “Stop Touching It!” Department – A man in Georgia was injured when he shot himself while re-loading his gun after leaving a gun show.  Most gun shows require that all guns brought in be unloaded before entering the show.  Ladies and gentlemen, guns, like a lot of things in life, are more likely to go off the more you touch them.  One of the things I’ve had to teach myself and I’ve seen in a lot of shooters is that once it’s in the holster, leave it alone.  Granted, he wasn’t fooling with it, but the point is the same:  The more you touch it, the more likely you are to get a bad surprise.  Also, when you’re loading, unloading, wiping, looking at, and considering buying, follow the Four Rules.  Negligent discharges happen to everyone.  Keeping it from being pointed at you or anything else you don’t want shot will keep embarrassment from turning into pain.
• From the “An Arm and a Leg” Department – Experts are predicting that the cost of a gallon of gasoline will top $4.00 a gallon soon, and may go higher.  This weekend, my gas was a handgun caliber. I paid $3.57 a gallon for gas.  Soon, it may be $3.80.  I hope it doesn’t go to $5.00.
• From the “More Balls Than Brains” Department – An Austrian man is planning to try to freefall from 120,000 feet up, break the sound barrier on the way down, then parachute down to a soft landing.  Since he’s replicating research jumps done in the 1950’s that were part of the early space program, I don’t know what he hopes to accomplish other than be able to say he did it.  I wish him luck, but I caution that there’s not a lot of difference between “controlled parachute landing” and “authorities are combing the hills for the larger bits”.
• From the “Hey Mom!  Guess what!” Department – A helicopter with mechanical problems recently made an emergency landing at an elementary school in California.  Thankfully, no-one was hurt.  This must have made for some interesting “How did school go today?” conversations around the dinner table.  Something tells me it was pretty hard to get little Johnny and Susie to concentrate on diagramming sentences that afternoon.  Might as well just put them all in the lunch room and watch movies.

• From the “Not Her Job” Department – First Lady Michelle Obama announced yesterday that Family Medical Leave Act rules are being changed to make it easier for families to care for military patients and still keep their jobs.  First, let me say that I think the changes are a good thing.  But is it really the place of the president’s spouse to take part in policy discussions and announcements about them?  Mrs. Obama has made military families her special project, such as Laura Bush made reading, so I guess she has some reason for being present at the announcement.  I’m not naive enough to believe that she has no pull with the president, but is it appropriate for an unelected, unconfirmed spouse to be the point person when things like this are done?  I’m especially troubled because the Secretary of Labor was present when Mrs. Obama made the announcement.  Isn’t that the job for which we pay cabinet secretaries?
• From the “What?!?!?!” Department – The mayor of Ciuidad Juarez, Mexico, has announced that due to safety concerns, he will henceforth authorize his police officers to take their weapons home when they are off duty.  This absolutely blew my mind.  Mexico in general, and Juarez in particular, has been in what any objective observer would call a state of revolution for several years, and now they’re letting the cops take their weapons home to protect themselves and their families?  Heck, even the hoplophobes in the United States don’t believe that the police should be disarmed when they’re not on duty.  I seriously have to wonder what he’s been thinking would happen if he let them arm themselves in the past couple of years.  It’s not like the situation could have gotten worse.
• From the “They Do That” Department – A woman with more heart than brain in Boston has gone to animal rescue groups with 71 rats that are the descendants of a pair she bought to save them from being used as Purina Snake Chow.  Apparently she’d never heard the term “breeds like rats”.  
• From the “They Do That Too” Department – A woman in Wisconsin got a scare recently when she was bitten in the face by a python she had taken from its enclosure.  The reptile latched on and refused to let go until its owner removed its fangs from the ladies face.  Coincidentally, the group she was a part of was beginning discussion of “The Girl With the Python Cuban Tattoo”. Who ever said that reading groups couldn’t be exciting?
• From the “Invasive Species” Department – Scientists are reporting that the number of mammals in the Florida Everglades is shrinking, and they blame the thriving Burmese Python population in the area.  I believe that Florida has opened a snake hunting season, but it may take more than that to get a handle on this.  Maybe if snake skin holsters, belts, jackets, and belts come into fashion, we can start to draw down their numbers.  If we can find an extract in pythons that makes one body part or another grow, they’d be wiped out.
• From the “Stanky” Department – Authorities in California are reporting that a bumper crop of skunks is coming to Sacramento in order to mate.  Remember kids, if you disturb a skunk in the middle of mating, they can get a little testy, so a little discretion might be in order.  Experts suggest that homeowners make sure that things that will draw amorous skunks to their property be cleared off.  These can include little dinners for two, tiny bottles of champagne, and of course, Barry White music played on speakers in the yard.

• From the “That Explains A Lot” Department – Fran Drescher, an actress who has ‘entertained’ us for almost 20 years and whose voice has been shown to cause seizures in primates, claims that she was abducted by aliens when she was a teenager.  She also claims that her ex-husband was abducted early in his life, and that explains why they sought each other out.  Actually, I’m inclined to believe her story.  There is no way that her voice and laugh come from anything but advanced alien programs to drive us to shove screwdrivers in our ears until they come out sticky.  Also, you’d have to be under the influence of an alien mind probe to want to be around her for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  Here’s hoping the little green men come back to see how their “catch and release” subject has been doing and take her back to their planet for further study.
• From the “Make a Bigger One” Department – The Air Force is working with weapons designers and manufacturers to improve its latest model of bunker buster bombs.  Reports are that even though it’s one heck of a good penetrator and bomb, it would have issues destroying Iran’s most deeply buried facilities.  My guess is that the Pentagon wants a “one shot, one kill” solution for each facility it would hit in the event of war.  My solution is a little simpler than making a better penetrator.  First, you use the best penetrator you have.  Then you use another, and another, and another.  Then, you make the surface around the target uninhabitable for a few decades.  It’s called “over servicing the target”.  Someone in what used to be Strategic Air Command might be able to dig up old war plans that the current leadership in Washington could use as a template.  If we care enough to bomb the bejeezus out of someone buried in a hole, we ought to at least do it in a way we know will work.  Maybe you can’t get the guys at the bottom of the hole, but you can for sure make it so they can’t come out of it before they run out of air and food.
• From the “Loose Lips Sink Ships” Department – Secretary of Defense Penetta is publicly wringing his hands about the fate of a Pakistani doctor who is accused of aiding the CIA in pinpointing the location of Osama bin Laden so that Navy SEALs could pay him a courtesy call.  Apparently Pakistan is trying the good doctor for treason, which will probably end up with him taking a short drop with a sudden stop.  That’s strange.   Penetta, Obama, Biden, Clinton, Pelosi, and the rest of the usual gang of idiots weren’t worried about the fate of our servicemembers, intelligence agents, and information sources in the days after bin Laden was introduced to the business end of American ordnance.  Now that there’s no publicity to be gained by not only admitting that we did it and giving a blow by blow “No kidding, there I was” timeline and script for the raid, but also possibly giving Hollywood a quick look at the action shots of the raid and how it was planned, everyone’s worried about what might happen to someone who may or may not have helped us.  How about Penetta hangs whoever told the press about the fact that the good doctor was at all involved up by their thumbs, and then I’ll believe that he’s serious in his worry. Until then, I’m a little cynical about it.
• From the “Some Animals Are More Equal” Department – A state legislator in Colorado is coming under fire for reportedly being let off the hook for a DUI because she mentioned to police at the scene that she was in the legislature.  Colorado law prevents the arrest of legislators travelling to and from state business, probably so that members of the loyal opposition aren’t thrown in jail to keep them away from their jobs.  She is claiming that she did not get let go with a traffic ticket and a cab ride home because she’s a state Senator.  If that is how Colorado handles all DUI’s, I’ll buy that.  If not, then she’s got some ‘splaining to do and there’s a law in Colorado that needs amending.

• From the “Spelling Under the Influence” Department – In a recent interview, Pat Sajak admitted that he and Vanna White used to drink, sometimes to excess, during dinner breaks while taping episodes of their game show “Wheel of Fortune”.  That’s fair.  Usually I have to be drunk to watch the show, so who am I to judge if they thought they needed to be drunk to make it.  But usually when I’m drinking and things start spinning, it’s not a good thing.
•  From the “Victim Selection Process Failure” Department – A teenager in Florida is in jail for burglary after he broke into the home of a police officer.  Around here, a lot of officers bring their cruisers home, and if that’s also true in this case, then Mr. Einstein here had all the warning he needed.  The report says that the officer restrained the suspect, so I guess he’s lucky he’s not listed as a victim of gun violence.
• From the “Spotting a Trend” Department – Following the example of American gun manufacturers, LEGO has begun marketing its block sets to girls.  The toy giant will include sets with pastel colored blocks and kits that make beauty parlors.  I take the same stance on pink LEGO’s as I do on pink guns:  If that’s what it takes for you to buy and enjoy a product, have at it.  But almost every woman I know shoots evil black guns just as well as they do the pink ones, and the girls I know who play with LEGO’s tend to make the same thing as their male counterparts:  houses and guns.
• From the “Surprise, Surprise, Surprise” Department – Officials at the United Nations called the police recently when a fake diplomatic pouch containing two bags of cocaine were found.  Of course, the U.N. is disavowing any knowledge of the Peruvian marching powder.  I mean, it’s not like the U.N. would have a narcotics trafficker mixed in amongst the dictators, potentates, spies, and sycophants.  But hey, if the U.N. snorted a bit of the devil’s dancing dust every once in a while, they might get something constructive done.