• From the “Aw Crap” Department – Turkey’s parliament has voted to authorize military action against Syria if and when that countries civil war sloshes across the border again. Turkey is continuing to shell Syrian border areas today after Syria killed five people by shelling a Turkish village.  Want to know how World War III might start in the same way that World War I did?  How about a mutual defense pact that gets invoked when one of the parties gets drawn into the internal conflict of a third country?  While we’re worrying about the antics of white trash on TV, the next major war may well be brewing.
• From the “Okey Dokey” Department – Former Vice-President Al Gore opined on his TV network today that President Obama didn’t do well in the debate last night because he wasn’t used to the thin air of Denver.  He seems to think that since Governor Romney did his debate prep in Denver, then he was better prepared for the rigor of debating in the rarefied atmosphere of the Mile High City.  My thoughts:  First, Al Gore has a TV network?  Seriously?  Did someone need a tax shelter or something?  Second, thank the Lord for the voters of Florida, who made sure that bloated sack of slaughterhouse waste didn’t become president.  Friends and neighbors, we really dodged a bullet there.  Last, if President Obama, a relatively young man in good physical condition, can’t handle a flight into Denver and then think clearly, do we really want his thumb on the nuclear button?  He wasn’t being asked to run a marathon, he was asked to stand still and think and speak clearly.  I guess when you’re watching the second coming of Jimmy Carter go down a well-worn primrose path to political oblivion, it’s easy to make excuses for why he’s skipping.
• From the “Only You Can Prevent Jihad” Department – The head of the FSB, the Russian follow-on agency to the KGB, is blaming a rash of forest fires in Europe on al Qaeda.  Apparently now that their Yemeni/Saudi sugar daddy is on a new assignment as the favorite catamite in Beelzebub’s harem, they are mounting smaller operations to try to get the world’s attention.  I’d suggest we burn down their countries in a show of reciprocal force, but to be honest, there probably isn’t much worth putting to the torch in the asscrack they seem to crawl out of.  I look forward to the first time one of these firebugs shuffles off this mortal coil a tad early because his firebomb went off a tad early.
• From the “Free Range Luggage” Department – Two alligators were found recently in the parking lot of a grocery store in New York.  No information on their origin has been given.  My guess is that they were someone’s pet, since large reptiles don’t usually find their way to New York, unless you count Madonna.  No word yet on whether the wayward gators actually made it to their Florida shelter, or if they are being used to re-surface the roof on Vinnie “The Shiv” Saltucci’s 1973 Lincoln.

• From the “Engage!” Department – Scientists are theorizing that a change to the shape of a proposed vessel would allow it to travel at several times the speed of light without needing a fuel source the size of a planet.  I, for one, hope this happens during my lifetime.  Maybe then I can finally get far enough away from people that I can sit and think and maybe take a nap.  I love my fellow man as much as the next guy, but given the opportunity to get a couple of light years away from everything sounds like heaven.
• From the “Markets at Work” Department – The students at a school in Wisconsin are voting with their feet and wallets after the amount of food in a school lunch went down and the price for lunch went up.  The changes are part of the USDA central planning aimed at cutting childhood obesity.  I have an idea:  If parents want their kids to have a nutritionally balanced meal that isn’t going to contribute to their waistline, why don’t they try getting up and making it before the youngsters head to school.  It’s hard to get fat when mom isn’t paying for you to eat pizza and cake five days a week.
• From the “Shocked Face” Department – A series of recently released emails highlight close cooperation between the Obama Department of Justice and Media Matters, a liberal group and attack dog.  The emails seem to show that the DOJ directed Media Matters in attacking critics of the administration.  Seriously, if you needed more proof that this administration isn’t working hand in glove with the media, check your pulse.  I’m just surprised they were stupid enough to put it in writing.
• From the ‘Fluff Piece” Department – Mitt Romney and his wife Ann recently appeared on one of those IQ lowering daytime TV shows and discussed their secret indulgences and most embarrassing moments.  Ladies and gentlemen, if you thought journalism was dead, you haven’t seen anything yet.  Mr. Romney seems to like PB&J with a glass of chocolate milk, while Mrs. Romney likes doughnuts.  That’s funny.  I don’t remember Reagan going on Donahue to talk about the time he walked in on Clark Gable licking the underside of a Rolls Royce in search of an oil leak.  And to be honest, I’m kind of glad Clinton didn’t tell us his secret indulgence and biggest mess-up, although I’m pretty sure those two lists pretty much contain the same things.
• From the “Mother of the Year” Department – A woman in Texas is in trouble after police arrested her for leading a group of kids in a series of pranks that caused thousands of dollars in damage.   Apparently Ms. Einstein took the middle schoolers to Walmart for supplies, took pictures, and helped them cause property damage.  All of this happened during a sleepover.  Whatever happened to “We’ll order pizza, I’ll make cookies, and we’ll watch scary movies all night.”?  Here’s hoping her punishment includes several hundred hours dressed up as a cartoon rat in a pizza joint.

• From the “Insult to Injury” Department – The prisoner in Massachusetts who recently prevailed in getting a judge to agree that the state should pay for gender reassignment surgery has convinced a judge that the state should pay for his legal costs. For those of you who live in Massachusetts, I assure you that this does not reflect on you at all.  We’re all the suckers that will be paying for this.
• From the “Oopsie!” Department – Authorities in Texas are combing the country side looking for a cylinder of radioactive material.  It seems the crew that was using it to investigate possible oil and gas deposits mislaid it, and a detailed search of the route taken by their truck has been fruitless.  In related news, residents of the small city of San Angelo are reporting that the trees are walking and speaking in a slow, wheezy voice.  The Tom Green county sheriff has stated that it all began after a really bad rain storm with green lightning blew down from Midland/Odessa.
• From the “Schadenfreude” Department – A judge in Chicago is putting off a hearing to decide if the strike by the local teachers’ union should be stopped.  It seems that Illinois law doesn’t allow for strikes where anything but pay and benefits is the cause. Mayor Rahm Emmanuel is having a hard time dealing with the union now that he’s on the other side of the table, and that makes him a sad panda.  As for me, I’m considering sending a CARE package to the union headquarters, featuring cookies and a hand-written note of thanks.    How ironic that the cozy relationship between the Democrats and the unions should come back to bite them in the ass.
• From the “Heavy Drop” Department – An overweight death row inmate in Ohio is asking the courts to spare his life due to the pain that putting his tubby self to death would cause.  He has been convicted of murdering a hotel clerk three decades ago, and has been unable to lose weight while in prison.  He says that injuries keep him from exercising and depression makes him eat more.  My question is why he has access to too much food in the first place.  Here’s my suggestion:  Limit him to a very lean low carbohydrate and calorie diet for a few months.  Twice a day, he can get tossed into a pool.  He will either drown or swim.  If he swims, he will exercise in a low-impact fashion, thereby burning calories.  Eventually, he will be safe to take a needle in the arm, thigh, or scrotum, whichever is easier.

• From the “Oops” Department – Officials at the Democratic Party are looking into how images of the Russian navy were used as a backdrop in a tribute to veterans at their recent party convention in Charlotte.  Honestly, who can blame them?  The Admiral Kuznetsov looks so much the Enterprise that I’m sure OldNFO has landed there by mistake on more than one occasion.  At least that’s how I had it explained to me by a Democrat I know.  I guess no-one thought to have an actual Navy veteran check out the footage before it was broadcast to millions of homes nationwide.  In related news, an earlier tribute to the Pope featured footage of the Metropolitan of Constantinople, and a slide show on the success of the president’s policy toward the Arab Spring was made up of still shots from Tiananmin Square.  
• From the “Strikes Are For Baseball” Department – The teachers strike in Chicago continues.  Union official Jethro Q. Walrustitty characterized negotiations as ‘silly’.  Parents in Chicago are reportedly scrambling to find alternate plans for the 350,000 schoolchildren who are no longer warehoused in Chicago’s public schools.  Considering how terrible their academic progress has been under the striking teachers, I will be curious to see if they do better if left to their own devices for a few weeks, or at least until the first time the teachers get a check from the union for strike pay and have union dues taken out of it.
• From the “Big Boom” Department – Astronomers are reporting that a large explosion has occurred high in the atmosphere of Jupiter.  They believe that it was caused by a comet slamming into the planet and causing a fireball the size of Earth.  It’s either that or I finally found those illegal fireworks I misplaced a few years ago.
• From the “Cool, But” Department – DARPA has unveiled its new robot for use by frontline troops, dubbed the L3.  It is a four-legged machine that appears to be between waist and shoulder-high on a man.  It is designed to carry heavy loads and save our soldiers from the wear and tear of dragging their equipment up and down mountains.  While I think this might be the neatest thing I’ve seen in a while, I’m pretty sure this is a problem that’s been solved already using actual mules.  At least Francis the Talking Mule didn’t require hours of maintenance and refueling all the time.
• From the “Not Encouraging Self Help” Department – A woman in New York is facing eviction from public housing because city officials object to her installing security cameras at her building.  She says she did it in response to several robberies in the area.  Since she’s prohibited by her mayor and his ilk from owning a better crime deterrent and criminal stopping instrument, I guess a camera is better than harsh language.  At least they’ll be able to produce a grainy picture of the goblin for the 11 o’clock news.

Reports are coming in from Egypt and Libya about attacks against Americans.  One diplomat is dead, another is wounded.  The consulate in Benghazi has been burned, and the embassy in Cairo was stormed, and our flag was ripped down from the pole, torn to shreds, and replaced with the black flag of Islamic terror.  This was all apparently done because of outrage over a movie trailer that’s been shown online and that isn’t exactly complimentary to Islam.

The words you’re looking for are ‘Act of War’.

Where is the joint session of Congress?  Where is the image of the President addressing the country on my TV?  Where are the pictures of Marine guards shooting to defend American soil and the lives of diplomats?

Why in the world are we not leveling portions of both countries as we speak?

My guess as to the reason that significant sections of Cairo and Benghazi aren’t burning brightly enough to be seen from the moon is that our current ‘leader’ doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude necessary to flick these fleas into the fire.  I really shouldn’t be surprised that nothing is happening and that nothing is going to happen.  Obama has made a career out of only being aggressive toward people who didn’t agree with him and who didn’t have the foresight to punch back.  Heaven forfend that he execute one of the duties that is actually spelled out in the Constitution.

I’m sure over the next couple of days we’ll see some “harsh” language from the White House, followed by official condemnation of an American who expressed his God-given right to be an ass, then some bowing and scraping before we’re distracted by the next bright and shining lie.

I’m not looking for another long, drawn out war that acts as a magnet for every psycho with a couple of pounds of dynamite, a box of finishing nails, and a wild look in his eye.  I’m talking about going over there, killing people, breaking stuff, and then bringing Johnny and Janet home  for tea and medals.  Let the Muslim world clean up the mess.  Their inability to bring the man on the street up past the mid 13th century when it comes to manners caused this bloody problem in the first place.

I believe my history professor would have called this “making a desert and calling it peace”.  If they won’t love us for our friendship, let them fear us for our wrath.   Personally, I’ve run out of cheeks to turn.

• From the “Classy” Department – A Las Vegas woman is starting a new small business.  She is making dioramas of murders, which she is calling “die-o-ramas”.  Because there’s nothing a suffering family wants to know than that the moment a part of their life was destroyed has been memorialized by a twit with a hot glue gun.  For those of you keeping count, this is reason 2,123,988,121 that I don’t like humans much.
• From the “Dieter’s Disco” Department – Three people in India were recently arrested after it was discovered that one of them was trying to fly to Delhi with a monkey in his underwear.  For his sake, I’m hoping that the monkey was one of the more gentle varieties.  I also hope that he isn’t put into general population when he goes to prison, because no prisoner wants to be known as the guy with a monkey in his pants.
• From the “Front Toward Enemy” Department – A family in California is fuming after contractors for Wells Fargo broke into their childhood home not once, but twice.  You see, Moe, Larry, and Curly mistook the house, which has never had a mortgage, for a foreclosed property which they were being paid to clean out.  Apparently they didn’t fix the damage they did to the door, since the article says that the property is now littered with beer bottles and bongs from people using the property as a hangout.  If I were this family, I would be investing in punji sticks and a lawyer with a taste for raw meat.
• From the “Doing the Right Thing” Department – I usually have little good to say about the government, especially when it comes to how it spends my tax dollars.  But today I have to pay respect to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, which has announced that it recognizes a link between exposure to the dust and smoke of Ground Zero and cancer.  Those who have become ill since working at the rescue, recovery, and cleanup efforts in New York can now apply for aid from a fund set up a few years ago.  It’s not often that the government does the right thing the first time around.
• From the “My Senator, Tiberius Gracchus Paul” Department – Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky has announced that he plans to make it hard for the Senate to get work done until his bill to stop foreign aid to Pakistan is voted on.  Senator Paul points to the way which Pakistan is treating the physician who aided the United States in finding Osama bin Laden as his motivation.  I guess my only quibble with Senator Paul on this one is that we shouldn’t need an excuse to cut off Pakistan.

• From the “Godspeed” Department – An officer in the California Highway Patrol died on Wednesday after being shot in the head the day before.  He had pulled over a vehicle on the highway, and was shot during the traffic stop.  Things like this twist my heart.  I know a lot of people don’t have a very high opinion of law enforcement in general, but good police exist in this country, and in my experience are the majority in their profession.  It is because of good police here in Louisville that Irish Woman and I do not have to take turns standing guard through the night, something that I can’t say about all of the places in the world that I’ve been, including some with “police”.  Go with God, Kenyon Youngstrom.
• From the “Good For Them” Department – A couple in England has had charges of causing grievous bodily harm dropped against them after prosecutors decided they acted reasonably in shooting masked burglars who came into their bedroom.  As has been noted here and on other sites, Great Britain has, for the most part, done away with the part of common law that says that a man’s home is his castle, and that a person in danger may use violence to protect their life.  It’s quite sad that a case where someone defends their life with effective tools and doesn’t get sent to prison is so extraordinary.
• From the “Shocked Face” Department – Internal emails at Gallup suggest that the polling company may have felt pressured by the White House after it published findings that suggested that President Obama isn’t loved by every soul in the country.  White House Press Secretary David “Knuckles” Axelrod publicly questioned Gallup’s methods, and other officials invited Gallup to the White House to ‘discuss’ matters.  I guess I’m becoming jaded by Chicago-style politics, but if anyone is surprised that this administration, which has made it a primary goal to control the media and the message given to the American people, would use pressure tactics to influence polls in a reelection campaign, then I have some beachfront property in Minot to sell you.
• From the “Wehrgeld” Department – The mother of a girl, who was raped and murdered 22 years ago, has raised $4000 to pay for her trip to watch the execution of the man who killed her daughter.  The man was originally convicted in 1992, and his case has been in court ever since.  I cannot imagine what this mother has gone through, but I can fully understand wanting to be there to watch this animal put down.  I just wish I’d heard about it while she was still raising money.

Good – Going to a movie for your evening entertainment

Bad – Going dressed as the Joker

Worse – You have an outstanding warrant and decide to stick around when someone calls the police.

Good – Having a school system that provides an education to an autistic boy and he can ride the bus on the first day of school.

Bad – He’s left alone on the bus for over  an hour after the bus run is over

Worse – Stonewalling the family when they ask to see the videotape from the bus so they can figure out what went wrong.

Good – The land crabs are mating again in Florida, continuing a healthy life cycle.

Bad – They’re doing it in the roads

Worse – Apparently that’s not good for the tires on cars.

Good – I checked the weather report before walking into work this morning

Bad – The weatherman as wrong, and it rained like cats and dogs this afternoon.

Worse – I left my car windows halfway down this morning

• From the “Your Tax Dollars at Work” Department – A Massachusetts judge has ruled that a prison violates the civil rights of a prisoner when it refuses to pay for sex reassignment surgery for said miscreant.  The prisoner in question is in prison for murdering his wife in 1990, and has sued before to get hormone therapy.  Call me insensitive, but I find it hard to find sympathy for a murderer who has decided that he needs to be a murderess.  What’s next?  Will the prisoner demand cosmetic surgery and breast implants because not being pretty causes cruel and inhuman suffering?
• From the “Oops” Department – A building in the Netherlands recently failed to fall when over 200 pounds of explosives were used in an attempt to collapse it.  Meanwhile, neighbors are being kept from their homes as a safety precaution.  In related news, a Dutch demolition company is advertising for interns who are unmarried, have no children, and don’t know much about what the inside of a partially demolished building looks like.
• From the “Fragrant Hipsters” Department – An ‘artist’ in Sweden is planning to use the sweat of glass blowers as a perfume.  This is yet another gambit in the “Try to plumb the depths of what they’ll buy” game.  The man hopes to use the product to separate tourists who come to buy blown glass from a little more of their filthy lucre.  I’d say he’s doomed to failure, but I said the same thing about bottled water.
• From the “Simpler Solution” Department – An 11 foot python was captured recently in Florida.  Animal control officials are quoted as saying that this particular serpent was ‘nasty’, meaning it fought hard against them when they tried to wrangle it.  Scientists plan to kill the snake and cut it open to see what it has been eating, which leads me to ask why they went to the trouble of capturing it alive in the first place.  I’m sure the nice folks at Browning, Remington, and Mossberg have perfectly good instruments that could be used to make the capture phase a lot simpler.
• From the “Sushi and Slots” Department – A casino in Florida has closed its gambling floors after a 13,000 gallon aquarium broke and flooded them.  The good news is that staff was able to save the fish, so at least the guy who caused the situation will have someone to sleep with once they find him.
• From the “Get It In Writing” Department – Senator John McCain had a rather contentious evening at a town-hall meeting in Arizona recently, where attendees lobbed HEAT rounds at him over border security and benefits for retired veterans.  McCain blamed gridlock and money woes for the lack of security along the southern border.  He probably didn’t gain too many fans when his reason for the cost of veteran’s health benefits going up pretty much boiled down to “Hey, it wasn’t written in your enlistment contract, was it?”.  Things like that temper my occasional regret at not staying in the military until retirement.  Of course, the good senator is well taken care of for as long as he shares our biosphere, due to his long service in Congress.  See my earlier remarks about how government employees in the capital should have to go to clinics identical to the ones at the infantry school that service basic trainees.
• From the “Bring It, Mahmoud” Department – An Iranian naval official claims that Iran plans to station some of its navy off the coast of the United States in the next few years.  Personally, I welcome the opportunity this will bring to our land. First, they give our shore defenses and Navy something to practice against.  Second, in the event that things get ugly in the Straits of Hormuz, they will give our search and rescue folks something to do while stationed in the United States.  And third, they will provide valuable artificial reef space for our marine wildlife.

• From the “Blame the Victim” Department – A priest in New York has apologized for saying that children who have been abused by clergy are “seducers”.  While his superiors are passing it off as his mind fading after a traumatic accident years ago, my take on it is that it is just evidence that some people just can’t get over the fact that there are truly evil people in the world, and that sometimes they wear a clerical collar.  The small percentage of priests, who abuse their position and power to hurt others, splash their colleagues, who live by their vows, with excrement, and it’s a damn shame.  But to have one of their number say something like this, and to have it get through the editorial process at an official publication, is shocking.  Hopefully the good father is removed from any ministry that is aimed at those who have violated children, because it’s probably hard to do penance for a pretty ugly sin when your confessor looks at you and says “Hey, it wasn’t your fault.  That 3rd grader threw himself at you.”.
• From the “Hand in the Cookie Jar” Department – 125 students at Harvard University are facing suspension from the prestigious school after being accused of working together on a take home final exam.  I hear from good sources that one of them is going to be the head of Harvard Law Review if found guilty, and then will go into a political career in Chicago.
• From the “We Are Doomed” Department – The latest “must have” for the urban hipster on the go appears to be a brown paper lunch sack.  A company in New York is selling a bag made from treated brown paper for $290.  The leather version of the sack goes for $360.  That’s right, friends and neighbors, for the price of a car payment, you can get yourself a genuine brown paper bag, ready for you to take leftovers to work or hide a 40 ounce bottle of your favorite carbonated beverage in true hobo chic.  Heck, if I take just what I have in my pantry downstairs, apply a couple of coats of shellac, and put a couple of grommets on them, I might be able to retire next year.
• From the “Who Domesticated Whom?” Department – An 800 pound pig named John Henry has been kept fat and happy for a year on the leavings from a small restaurant in New Jersey.  Is the restaurant fattening him up for their pulled pork special?  Is the kitchen staff preparing to serve custom-made bacon to its customers?  Nope, they’re donating the food to the pig’s owners so that they can afford to feed him. That’s right, they’re feeding food to potential food with no plans to make it into actual food.  I’m all about being kind to animals, but when an animal is made of delicious meat, it will eventually reach a size and age where its tastiness overarches its cuteness.  Hopefully the owners and the restaurateurs come to their senses and roast John Henry slowly  for about 16 hours, followed by a quick bath in a tangy sauce.
• From the “Justice?” Department – A young girl in Louisville was raped at a party several months ago.  The miscreants who violated her also took pictures of the act, presumably so they could either brag about it online or relive it in private.  They recently reached a plea agreement with prosecutors, but apparently the victim thinks it’s too lenient a deal.  She’s in hot water because she took her frustration to the Internet and posted the names of her attackers on-line.  While a judge has recently decided that she won’t be held in contempt of court for doing this, it brings up the question of confidentiality for underage criminals.  Does the public have a right to know that rapists live among them, even if the crimes occurred before the rapist’s 18th birthday?  While the idea of keeping juvenile records closed is to give them a chance to start anew once they reach adulthood, I’m not such a believer in reform and redemption that I think it’s likely that someone who rapes a girl at 16 will be completely OK to have around my daughter at 18.  Not getting into the ethics of the sex offender registry here, but if someone, say a young woman about to go on a date with a young man, does a web search on a name, shouldn’t the fact that the person in question has been convicted of a violent crime such as rape be available?
• From the “Good Idea” Department – The school system in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, has decided that cowering under desks and locking hollow core doors isn’t enough in the unlikely event that an armed assailant decides to invade a school.  The school has begun teaching faculty at two of its schools to fight back in the event of an active shooter situation.  The strategy being taught appears to be to try to evade the shooter, throw things at them to gain time to either run or fight, and if fighting is necessary, to attack as a group.  It all sounds good, but it might be more effective if the teachers were allowed to throw copper jacketed lead instead of desks.  But far be it from me to criticize this kind of revolutionary thinking.  Imagine, a school teaching its students and faculty that their lives are worth fighting over.  Let me take this moment to applaud the leadership of the schools in Tuscaloosa for deciding to teach their children that cowering and hoping that  the shooter either runs out of bullets or gets bored before he gets to them is not a viable survival technique.