• From the “Rules” Department – A woman in Texas was shot recently when the handgun her husband was reloading went off.  The woman was hit in the abdomen, but the wound was not lethal.  In related news, a student at a firearms class in Ohio was struck in the arm when the .38 caliber handgun his instructor was demonstrating with went off.  In the second instance, it appears that the bullet bounced off of furniture before hit the student, but the instructor seems to be claiming he didn’t know the gun was loaded.  Guys, the Four Rules are there for a reason.  We all have lapses in concentration or make mistakes, and you usually have to break more than one rule before someone gets hurt.  But that doesn’t mean that “I didn’t know it was loaded” or “I didn’t mean to point it at her” mean a darned thing.  When we pick up our guns, we assume an awesome responsibility, and complacency ends up with people hurt.  We need to police ourselves so that we don’t give someone else an excuse to police us.
• From the “Get a Rope” Department – A hospital technician who spread hepatitis across multiple states is facing between 30 and 40 years in jail.  You see, Dr. Kildare was aware that he was infected with hepatitis C, but continued to self-inject the painkillers he was issued and then refill the syringes with water.  I hope that his work in prison includes having to powerwash feed lots or something just as foul.  Because of his inability to control himself, hundreds of people are at risk of coming down with a debilitating disease and at least one of them has died.
• From the “Misinformation” Department – Apparently keeping track of the finances of Detroit isn’t the only thing that city’s government has trouble doing.  Billboards around the city have in incorrect date for upcoming elections.  City officials are playing this down as a mistake on the part of the company that put up the signs, but the evil part of me wants to think that the best way to make sure only the ‘right’ people vote is to tell the ‘wrong’ people an incorrect date to go to the polls.
• From the “Constitutional Crisis” Department – The Obama administration has taken it upon itself to decide which parts of the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, it will enforce and which ones it won’t.  This time, it has announced that only some parts of the caps on out-of-pocket expenses will be enforced, with the parts that aren’t enforced being delayed until after the 2014 mid-term elections.  You know, I seem to remember that the Legislature says what is and isn’t law, the Judiciary says whether laws are constitutional, and the Executive, well, executes the law.  Nowhere in the Constitution do I remember a section that says the Executive executes the law if it’s convenient or easy.   Now, I’m no constitutional scholar, but it would seem to  me that the President and his cho-gi boys are dictating what is and isn’t the law through their actions, and my gut tells me it’s more for political purposes than it is for reasons of feasibility.  If they’re not going to enforce laws they like, how much can we trust them to enforce laws that they don’t?  Put another way, if they won’t enforce this law, what is going to happen when another administration puts off part of the Clean Water Act or the labor laws because they’re too hard?
• From the “Skeletons in the Closet” Department – A politician in Germany is dropping out of her race after a paper she wrote years ago defending pedophilia surfaced.  From the excerpt in the linked article, it’s not hard to believe that this wasn’t an assigned topic, either.  If you’re going to discuss how only a child can satisfy you, then you can’t defend yourself very well when called on it.  Remember kids, everything you put on the Internet is there forever, and a lot of the things you do off the Internet are being put on there for you.  Either don’t do stupid crap in the first place, or learn to deal with every bad decision or harsh word in your life haunting you.  Who wants to bet that within the next 20 years a presidential candidate loses because some Facebook posts from college resurface?
• From the “Overreach” Department – A judge in Tennessee is under fire because she changed the first name of a baby from “Messiah” to “Martin”.  The parents of the child had not been able to compromise on whose last name to use, and had come to the courts to get a decision.  The judge went beyond that request, and changed the first name and middle names as well.  The judge’s ruling pretty much confirms that she did so due to her Christian beliefs that there can be only one “Messiah”.  Now, I’m a Christian, and I also believe that there is only one spiritual Messiah.  However, this jurist took her personal beliefs and imprinted them deeply and harshly upon a situation where they shouldn’t have come into such blatant play.  Kids, this is why it’s infinitely better to figure things out on your own.  If you go to Solomon to figure out whose baby it is, you will probably not like the outcome.
• From the “What Can Go Wrong?” Department – Security researchers have found an exploitable vulnerability in new lightbulbs.  The LED lightbulbs in question are controllable via a wireless network, and apparently it’s possible to disrupt their use remotely.  What this means to the average person is that some misanthrope in his mother’s basement could decide to not let you turn on the lights in and around your home or business.  How much would it hurt a factory if the lights were to be inoperable, or even worse, unreliably on?   I have seen the effects of some of these new bulbs, and they are impressive.  I just don’t think I’ll be using light bulbs with an IP address and a web server anytime soon, just as I don’t think I’ll be installing Internet enabled locks for my house.
• From the “Ingratitude” Department – Wounded servicemembers, many in wheelchairs or in new prosthetics, have had to fight to use a convenient dining facility at Walter Reed hospital.  Rather than allow these wounded warriors to go down the hall to get a meal, officials tried to force them to travel half a mile on crutches, prosthetics, or wheel chairs to use their meal vouchers at a “food trailer”.  When I hear “food trailer”, my mind’s eye sees the “roach coach” that used to bring bad coffee and unhealthy food out to work sites.  My guess is that this decision is related to the need to cut spending, and yet again it’s the parts of the military that aren’t going to either make flag-rank officers look good or satisfy some Congresscritter’s pet project that are being cut.   It’s easier to make life miserable for those who don’t squeak too loudly than it is to cut a procurement program or cut some of the perks for generals and admirals.  I’m glad that the decision appears to have been reversed, but it’s embarrassing that it was even suggested, much less implemented.

• From the “Damn Shame” Department – The Navy has announced that they will scrap the U.S.S. Miami rather than pay to repair the submarine.  You’ll recall that the boat was heavily damaged by fire in 2012 when a worker decided it was better to commit arson than work through his shift.  Rather than tie up a large amount of money in repairing one ship, which would have had to be taken from the budgets of other maintenance projects, the Navy will have the submarine destroyed.  I hope the jerk who lit the fire feels a bit of guilt over this, because his attempt to have an afternoon off is costing the country a lot in both money and military readiness.
• From the “Peace In Our Time” Department – Political dissidents in Iran are urging President Obama to unilaterally halt U.S. sanctions against the Islamic Republic and meet one on one with the countries new president.  If President Barack OChamberlain indeed does this, then we’ll know just how serious he is about stopping the Iranians from developing nuclear weapons.  Here’s my deal for the Iranians – You all unilaterally halt nuclear research, open up to United States inspectors, and deliver over to us the unharmed persons who violated our embassy and held our people in 1979 to 1980, and we’ll let humanitarian aid through.  Other than that, I care if the entire country dries up and blows away.
• From the “Faith in Humanity” Department – An organization that helps out victims of sexual assault was recently burglarized, but got a surprise a couple of hours later.  It seems the miscreants who took their computers, children’s books, and candy figured out who they’d robbed, and returned the loot.  This doesn’t excuse the inevitable damage and anxiety that the break-in caused, but this goes a long way with me toward saying “OK, you don’t get thrown into prison for a long time.”.
• From the “Playing With Fire” Department – Scientists are working with a flu virus to try to figure out what would have to change about it to make it more deadly and more infectious to humans.  If you’ve ever read “The Stand”, then you know why I look at this with a jaundiced eye.  The rational part of me knows that the controls at labs are very tight and effective, and that scientists need to study how a virus evolves in order to develop ways to prevent and treat disease outbreaks.  But the irrational part of  me wonders if this just might be a really bad idea.  Also, can someone please remind me to get the flu shot this year?  Laying on my back dreaming about snakes and fire for three days was no fun whatsoever.
• From the “Vector” Department – In related news, scientists in London are investigating a possible connection between a new flu strain and camels.  It appears that antibodies to MERS have been found in all of the blood samples from camels, which suggests that the animals have gotten over the disease at one point or another.  If this flu takes hold and becomes prevalent, I can see an interesting nickname for it.  “Anyone seen Joey?”  “Not lately.  Joey’s home sick with The Hump”.
• From the “Window Dressing” Department – The city of Los Angeles has decided to do something other than something useful again.  This time, they’re putting together ordnances that would require BB guns to be brightly colored so that police officers can tell the difference between them and a real firearm.  Apparently the city fathers have never heard of spray paint and electrical tape.  Rather than try to make cosmetic changes to toys, why doesn’t the council urge the cities of Los Angeles to not point guns of any kind at police officers?

• From the “Lord of the Flies” Department – A school in Florida is rethinking a few things after a “Hunger Games” styled summer camp seems to be bringing out the bloody-minded side of ‘tweens.  Apparently a “capture the flag” game is being used by the children as an excuse to plan the horrible death of campmates.  Cue the requisite amount of indrawn breath, reaching for smelling salts, and clutching at pearls as adults realize that the veneer of civilization is quite thin on children.  Apparently these people never played cowboys and indians as a kid, nor have they ever watched a group of children left to their own devices.  Also, see the “Thanksgiving Play” scene in “Addams Family Values“.
• From the “Dumbass” Department – A ‘playwright’ in New York is feeling a tad sheepish after a prop suicide vest he built in his apartment caused a police and bomb squad lockdown.  It appears that Mr. Capote was working on the next “Oklahoma!” and thought that throwing his prop out in the garbage was a good idea.  I think his punishment should be to stand on his street corner wearing another vest, this one emblazoned with “I’m a jerk!” on the front and back.  In unrelated news, a couple in Florida has been arrested after they broke into a high school for an illicit tryst.  Apparently after their ‘special time’, they decided to also break into vending machines for something to quench the “beer munchies”.  Remember, kids, alcohol only enhances your personality. If you are a dumbass when you’re stone cold sober, you’re going to be a raging dumbass after a few beers.
• From the “Horses Head” Department – The sidewalk outside a bar in Nantucket was decorated recently with the carcass of a shark.  The bar owner professes to have no idea who did it, and local officials are writing it off as a prank and sending the fish to be made into compost.  I guess this is a good indicator of how laid back people in Nantucket are.  If this kind of thing had happened in California or New York, it would probably have been investigated as terrorism or a hate crime.  This incident also gets my mind working on a saucy limerick, but since I want to keep the site PG, I’ll let you all finish out the one that starts with “There once was a shark in Nantucket….”.
• From the “That’s My Jam!” Department – A man in Canada is reported to have developed synesthesia, a condition where the senses get jumbled, after suffering a stroke.  It seems the gentleman can see colors when he hears certain sounds, and the James Bond theme gives him a feeling of extreme joy. I can relate.  When I hear some of the ‘music’ that people listen to, I see red and feel nausea.
• From the “Solo and the Wookie!” Department – Sewer authorities in London recently found and removed a 15 ton lump of fat and wet wipes that was clogging up a sewer drain.  Wow, that’s a lot of bacon grease and baby butts.  It appears that the city will be putting in a stent, I mean patch, to fix damage caused by the glob.  Apparently a campaign telling people to not flush baby wipes is in the offing.
• From the “Good For Them” Department – Japan has christened its newest warship, a destroyer that apparently can also be used as a landing platform for helicopters.  Japan, along with Vietnam and the Philippines, is in a pissing match with China over several islands and mineral rights in some stretches of ocean.  This ship is designated for maritime patrol and relief during natural disasters.  There are those who shudder at a re-arming Japan, but I’d rather they had a little skin in the game when China and the rest of the world start sparring.

• From the “And The Band Played On” Department – The House of Representatives narrowly defeated an amendment to defense appropriation legislation that would have stripped funding from the NSA’s program of domestic surveillance.  You’ll recall that the NSA has worked with technology and telecommunications companies to vacuum up data on all communications in the United States, and some, including me, call that an eggregious violation of the public’s trust.  Now that we know which of our representatives are not with us, I look forward to someone in the Senate introducing a similar amendment to the legislation so we can know who in that august body stands on the side of the people and who stands on the side of an over-arching government surveillance state.
• From the “Tuning Up the Fiddle” Department – The city council of Detroit, which recently became the largest city in U.S. history to declare bankruptcy, took a good chunk of its time in what most people would consider a crisis to draft, debate, and pass a resolution about the Martin-Zimmerman case in Florida.  Apparently fiddling while Detroit burns is considered a civic virtue in the Motor City.  In related news, the city council is putting off discussion of how they’re going to keep the city from imploding under the pressure of decades of mismanagement in favor of debating great taste versus less filling, Helvetica versus Comic Sans, and kerosene versus gasoline as an accelerant in burning down abandoned homes at Halloweentime.
• From the “Only Ones” Department – A panel in Illinois, which is looking into allegations that members of the Chicago police department coerced and tortured confessions out of suspects in murder cases, has announced that several more people have been found to be convicted and imprisoned based on evidence gained through beatings and intimidation.  Most troubling to me is the propensity of these ‘peace officers’ to attack and exploit the mentally ill.  It is my sincere hope that the bottom of this particular cesspool is successfully plumbed, and that the people involved get justice, either by being released from prison due to police misconduct, or being thrown into prison for that misconduct.
• From the “Never Let A Crisis Go To Waste” Department – Ohio governor Kasich is blaming the murders of women, whose bodies were recently found in Cleveland, on ‘poverty’.  You see, apparently when you have poor people, people get murdered and buried in a shallow grave wrapped in a plastic sheet.  It can’t be the fault of the piece of crap that killed these poor women, can it?  This wretched urchin couldn’t control himself, being poor himself.  So of course he stalked, killed, defiled, and discarded these people to work out his issues brought about by the abject ‘poverty’ of the American inner city.  I would remind the good governor that what we call poverty is considered unthinkable luxury by a huge portion of the human population, and that there have been poor people since there have been people, and I haven’t heard of epidemics of serial killers in the slums of Rome.  Then again, they had better ways of dealing with mad dogs who slaughtered young women in Rome, so maybe they were just better at this than we are.
• From the “Shrinkage” Department – Former congressman Anthony Weiner has lost his impressive lead in the campaign to become the next mayor of New York City after revealing that he continued the scurilous behavior of sending nude pictures to women other than his wife even after being driven from office.  It’s not often that I agree with Nancy Pelosi on anything, but she hit it on the head when she said “The conduct of some of these people that we’re talking about here is reprehensible”.   I’m wondering what excuse Weiner will trot out this time to explain his behavior and abject stupidity.  Apparently “The Internet is forever” means nothing to this twit.
• From the “Four Rules” Department – A man in England was killed recently when the zipper pull of his boot caught the trigger of his rifle and caused it to fire.  Remember, ladies and gentlemen, all it takes is a moment of inattention to cause tragedy.  Keep stuff, including fingers, away from the trigger, and be careful to not let the muzzle of a weapon go across anything you don’t want shot.
•  From the “Sauce for the Gander” Department – A man in California has pled guilty to manslaughter in the death of an elderly man in a traffic accident.  What makes this a novel situation is that the death was not caused by a motorist, but rather by a cyclist.  The cyclist admits that he struck the man, but maintains that the light was yellow when he entered the intersection.  Having, at several points in my life, used a bicycle as a primary means of transport, it makes me cringe when I see cyclists blow through lights or stop signs, fail to signal, or cut between cars in traffic or through a crowd of pedestrians.  If you want to be respected in the same manner as those who use powered vehicles, you have to follow the laws of the road and accept responsibility when called out for not doing so.
• From the “What Caliber?” Department – A CNN reporter misspoke the other day and avowed that people had hunted dildos to extinction as an example of our impact on the environment.  He quickly corrected himself, and changed his assertion that we had hunted the contraceptive sponge out of existence.

• From the “Really?” Department – Consumer Reports is speculating that, in the event that it actually happens,  insurance would cover damage, both personal and property, caused by a sharknado.  If you’re looking for another reason I don’t subscribe to Consumer Reports anymore, this is a pretty good one.  That’s a lot of ink, paper, and electrons to waste on speculating on how insurance companies would react to a farcical event from a made-for-TV movie.
• From the “Pet Deposit” Department – A historical site in France has decided to get rid of its baboon population due to the damage the primates are causing.   The baboons are housed in the zoo that is part of the Citadel of Besancon, and have been removing stones that are part of the buildings.  I look forward to the first time I can use the phrase “ejected like a French baboon”.  No word yet on where the baboons will end up, but I hear that Detroit is looking for cheap labor to dismantle abandoned houses.
• From the “No Leach Left Behind” Department – The state of California has continued to drag its heels on implementing a system of grading the performance of public school teachers.  Tools like that are useful for parents evaluating whether or not to send their children to a particular school or for administrators to reward good performance and ease poor performers either into positions where they can do better or out of the profession altogether.  I’m shocked to find that the teacher’s union is thought to be one of the main forces blocking it.  I guess having only the best people educating our children and finding things for those who just aren’t that good at it to do isn’t a priority.
• From the “Step In The Right Direction” Department – While the city of Detroit is flailing around in hopes of finding a way of not drowning under a tide of debt and mismanagement, some of its citizens have taken the chaos as an opportunity.  Some are running businesses that try to provide services such as transportation or maintenance in the cities parks that were previously provided by the city.  Here’s to realizing that you’re in charge of your own life and responsible for yourself and your community, not some nebulous “government”.
• From the “Chilling” Department – The IRS Inspector General has disclosed that on up to 8 occasions since 2006, members of the agency have improperly accessed and/or divulged tax information about political candidates or donors.  In all but 1 of those cases, evidence was either not good enough to refer prosecution or was shown to be inadvertent.  However, the Department of Justice refused to prosecute in that one instance, prompting requests for information from the House of Representatives.  Folks, like I said about the NSA thing, this isn’t a Republican or Democrat issue.  If members of the government are targeting anyone because of their beliefs, values, or political leanings, then we are all at risk.  The IRS needs a thorough house cleaning, pretty much on the scale of the Augean stables.
• From the “Oopsie!” Department – A wrecking crew in Fort Worth dropped the ball the other day when they demolished the wrong house.  The house in question was down the street from the correct structure, and thankfully no-one lived there at the time. The family that did own it says that it housed family momentos and valuable antiques. In related news, a building contractor in the DFW area was roused out of his bed the other day by public works officials, who are looking to have a house built paco tiempo.
• From the “WTF?” Department – The California penal system and doctors who worked for it are under fire after it was revealed that almost 150 women were pressured in to getting tubal ligations while incarcerated.  It appears that doctors were using pressure tactics to get the women to sign consent forms or were getting them signed while the women were under sedation for some other procedure.  One of the doctors is alleged to have suggested that doing this was good for reducing the welfare roles.  If these allegations are proven to be true, I hope that those responsible end up on the other side of the bars.  I’m all for people taking control of their reproductive choices, but “choice” is the operative word here.  A prisoner is very susceptible to pressure from authority figures, and if these doctors abused their positions to get more women to get their tubes tied, then they deserve punishment.  Even when incarcerated, citizens are supposed to be treated with at least a little respect for their rights.
• From the “Going to Hell On a Scholarship” Department – Authorities in Michigan are looking for $18,000 worth of hunting gear, including a large ATV, used by a charity that works to get disabled veterans out into the field to hunt.  Apparently the stolen goods were taken along with their trailers, and the charity is hoping that someone who knows something will either turn in the goods or turn in the perpetrators.  You know, there’s low, and then there’s “stealing from disabled veterans” low.  I hope they find these guys and sentence them to a lifetime of cleaning out septic tanks on the Upper Peninsula with a toothbrush for this.
• From the “FacePalm” Department – A doctor in Tennessee is in trouble after he tried to ‘de-technicalize” a diagnosis for a woman and explained that her lower back pain was due to her ‘ghetto booty’.  The doctor, who is apparently not in the running for the 2013 Bedside Manner Award, doesn’t seem to see the problem with his phraseology.  Personally, I will need to see high-definition pictures of the posterior in question before I make a judgement call.  I understand that the good doctor is moving into orthidonture, where he will describe why someone needs braces by saying they have “summer teeth” (Summer here, summer there).
• From the “SPAM in the Can” Department – Elon Musk, the entrepreneur in charge of the Tesla brand of automobiles, has an idea for speeding up travel between San Fransisco and Los Angeles.  It appears that his idea will resemble the old pneumatic tube systems that were popular in department stores, banks, and office buildings in the 1940’s and 1950’s.  Except in this iteration, the capsules will contain not bank candy, but rather they will be filled with people and luggage, then sent hurtling down an almost frictionless tube at over 600 miles per hour.  Nothing can go wrong here, folks.  When asked if the new system was safe, Mr. Musk was reported to have replied “Who knows?  But it sure will be fun to watch from my private jet!”.
• From the “Спасибо, Бабушка!” Department – Imagine that you’re a 19 year old girl.  Your country has been invaded, and your world is falling apart around you.  What would you do to help the war effort?  Would you work in a factory, or tend a farm to make sure there are beans and bullets for the army?  Maybe you work in a non-combat role to support the defenders of your nation.  If you’re Nadezhda Popova, you join a group of other women, who climb into obsolete aircraft with bombs strapped to the fuselage and wings, then conduct gliding night-time attacks on German lines.  Popova completed 852 combat missions in 4 years, and got shot down several times.  As one of the “Nachthexen” (Night Witches), she helped to slow, stop, and reverse the tide of Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union.  Mrs. Popova passed away recently, joining the millions of World War II veterans that we have lost in the past few years.  I hope that for the sake of history that she told her stories to someone who had the presence of mind to record them or write them down.

We lost a good man today.

Kentucky bourbon legend Elmer T. Lee, the man behind the single-barrel bourbon that sparked the industry’s revival, died Tuesday at age 93.

• From the “Elections and Consequences” Department – Walmart has announced that it will stop work on three planned stores in Washington D.C and will be evaluating three more that are under construction.  This is done after the D.C. government passed regulations that seem to target Walmart. Large retailers, such as Walmart, will be forced to pay 150% of minimum wage as their lowest allowed wage.  Competitors who already have stores in the city, such as Target, are exempted from the law.  I guess D.C. will now fine Walmart for stopping work on business ventures that cost almost 50% more in labor than planned.  Remember folks, if you make things difficult or unpleasant for businesses to make money, they will stop doing business where you get input.
• From the “Qel Surpris” Department – The press seems shocked, shocked I say, that President Obama has made a habit of posting people, who enabled or made large contributions to his war chest, to cushy ambassador slots.  It appears that no-one noticed that the President was a politician from Chicago, which has a rich and long tradition of rewarding those who make payoffs.  Sure, in this instance it’s campaign contributions, not envelopes of 10’s and 20’s pushed between stalls in the men’s toilet at Wrigley Field, but pay-for-play is pay-for-play.  This is a long tradition among administrations of both parties.  Does anyone think that Joe Kennedy was given the ambassadorship to Great Britain because he’d dropped his long-held dislike of England and his pro-Nazi sentiments?
• From the “Harsh Language” Department – A woman in New York recently bluffed her way through an armed robbery when she told the man holding a gun on her that he “didn’t have the balls” to shoot her.  Luckily for her, he took his advice instead of that of his compatriot and ran off without pulling the trigger.  I’ve read about a few of these situations in the past, and they seem to rarely work out for the person doing the daring.  Good on her for having the courage to stare down a goblin, but for me, I’d prefer to have a gun and harsh language over just having harsh language.
• From the “Gradual Progress” Department – A federal judge has ruled that, while the Post Office has the power to restrict weapons inside its buildings, it cannot prevent an otherwise lawful person to not have a weapon in its parking lots.  This is a case of where ignorance can get you in trouble.  Before this, how many people knew that the Post Office, an agency with its own police force and SWAT-type units, asserted the power to restrict what you did and didn’t have in your car when you parked it at their facilities?  How many more of these government gotchas are there out there?
• From the “Hands and Cookie Jars” Department – The Army has relieved a brigadier general, who commanded a large training base, for adultery and getting into a fight.  It appears that the good general decided to step out on his wife and then got into a physical confrontation with his girlfriend.  That horrific flushing sound you hear from the direction of Fort Jackson is 29 years of this man’s career circling the drain.  Remember, kids, nothing good ever happens from having sex with someone besides your spouse when you’re married.  I’m guessing that this case must be pretty egregious, because normally when a flag-rank officer steps on his schwanz, he’s allowed to quietly retire without a public shaming.
• From the “Tactical Teddy” Department – The Department of Defense is researching an undergarment for soldiers that would monitor how they’re using their bodies and give them ‘biometric’ cues that will aid in preventing stress injuries.  Theoretically, the suit would only weigh a few pounds and would allow heat and moisture to pass through it for comfort.  I think it’s an interesting idea, but soldiers already get warnings from their own bodies that things aren’t being done ergonomically, and I’ve yet to see a squad leader stop the mission or change things because of discomfort.  Here’s a quote from earlier in my life – “Son, I don’t care if you’re bleeding from the eyes.  I want that antenna on top of that mountain by sun-up, or you’ll be doing laps around the hut carrying it all day.”.
• From the “Junk in the Trunk” Department – A woman was arrested recently in Arizona when border patrol officers noticed that her derriere had been augmented by several pounds of cocaine.  Ladies, if you’ve got a nice, round posterior, men are going to look at it.  Unless you believe in hiding things in plain sight, don’t put your little packages in an area where law enforcement is going to take a good hard look.

• From the “Payback” Department – The governor of Illinois has suspended the pay of state legislators after they failed to pass financial reforms he feels are necessary.  I’m not going to argue whether or not any state needs to trim its budget in this climate, but this feels just a little like revenge to me.  Illinois legislators handed Quinn a defeat yesterday when they overrode his veto of gun legislation, so this smacks of “Oh, really?  Take that!”.
• From the “Facepalm” Department – An aide to Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky has been revealed to have worked as a radio shock jock in the past, doing such things as wearing a Confederate flag mask at appearances.  The aide in question assisted Senator Paul in writing a book and has been advising him on social media use.  Senator Paul has been trying to reach out to minority voters, and this kicks that effort right in the ribs.  You know, maybe it would be a good idea for a prospective political aide to be asked “Have you ever done anything that is going to make the Senator look like a jackass?”.
• From the “Allergies” Department – A black shop owner in England has put up a sign warning people who have an allergy to black people to stay out of her shop.  Apparently some people leave her business after they see that she is of African descent, and she’s asking those people to just stay away in the first place.  I wish her luck.  Personally, I have no problem with people who have darker skin than I have (I’m Scandinavian, German, and Irish by descent.  Most of the human population is darker than me).  Stupid people, on the other hand, make me itch something fierce.
• From the “Tempest in a Teacup” Department – President Obama set the world aflame once again the other day when he revealed that his favorite vegetable is broccoli.  Immediate condemnation from the Nation of Legumes forced White House Press Secretary Carney to clarify that the President enjoys and respects vegetables of all shapes, colors, and sizes, and that a variety of greens are served at the White House.  Congressional leadership has indicated that members of the White House staff will be subpoenaed to testify on the proportions of broccoli versus cauliflower served in the Oval Office since 2009.
• From the “Rules” Department – A man in Pennsylvania is recovering after shooting himself in the hand.  You see, he was walking away from a store with a bunch of thneeds and dropped his gun out of its holster.   As he reached down to pick it up (good for him for not trying to catch it), the gun went off, striking him in the hand.  First mess-up – not having a good holster to retain his gun.  Look at the sidebar for a couple of good people to make you something better than a FlopsALot brand that comes out of a box of popcorn.  Next, letting the muzzle point at a part of your or someone else’s body.  Next, touching the trigger while handling the gun.  I will give him credit for not trying to catch the gun.  These are the rules people.  They’re not that hard to remember.  I wish this gentleman a speedy recovery and a long memory.
• From the “Brainiac” Department – A man in Florida was arrested when a policeman noticed a joint behind his ear during a traffic stop.  Now, I believe that marijuana should be legalized, but until that day happens, you might not want to be using a joint as a hair clip when you’re talking to Officer Friendly.  There are no style points for being arrested due to your own stupidity.  In related news, a New Jersey man was arrested after police say he blew marijuana smoke into the open window of a passing police cruiser.  I’m not going to call this stupidity, because it’s more in the vein of douchebaggery.  If you’re going to be doing something illegal, don’t give the police an excuse by being obnoxious.
• From the “Death From Above” Department – The Navy has successfully landed a drone aircraft on a moving aircraft carrier, which paves the way for research into using remotely piloted and self-directed aircraft in roles normally fulfilled by manned aircraft.  Rumor is that the X-47B is also a shark when it comes to playing cribbage and bridge and looks great in the new Navy aquaflage uniforms.  I for one welcome our robot airplane overlords.

• From the “Want” Department – A man in Germany has invented yet another thing for my “Own Before You Die” list:  a laser gatling gun.  A green laser is used to aim, an electric motor turns the chambers, and 6 1.4 blue lasers lash out to bring flaming death to your target.  At least, they bring flaming death to the balloons that have been shot so far.  I just want one for night shoots, whether I hit and damage anything or not.
• From the “What Happens in Ibiza, Stays in Ibiza” Department – A German tourist to Spain had quite a night recently when the emergency department had to call in firefighters to saw off the steel ‘toy’ he had affixed to his nether regions.  Wow, I got nothing here.  I’m just standing in awe of the number of inappropriate jokes that can and probably will be made at this man’s expense.
• From the “Canine Vandalism” Department – Officials in the town of Henley, England, have determined that the lamp posts in the town have been weakened so much by rust on their bases that they are not safe to hang flower baskets from.   Apparently the local dogs have been using the lamp posts so much that the resulting rust has become a problem.  Might I suggest a better paint be used for the replacements?
• From the “I Believe I Can Fly” Department – An Australian surfer ended up in the hospital recently when the whale he and a few buddies were playing with decided to flip him around with its tail.  I suspect no malice on the part of the whale.  Rather, I suspect that he was just trying to return the high-fives and ‘hang loose’ gestures the dudes were offering him.
• From the “Smelly Scivies” Department – A French company is marketing a line of mens underwear that gives off a scent when worn.  As the wearer starts to sweat into his briefs, they start giving off a delightful essences instead of the normal smell of a man’s sweaty underwear.  Ladies, if your man suddenly starts wearing “Eau de Scrotum” underwear, you may have a problem.
• From the “Kinder, Gentler Mordor” Department – The legislature in Illinois voted today to override the “amendatory” veto of gun legislation sent back to them by Governor Quinn.  Illinois lawmakers rejected proposals that would have limited concealed carry permit holders to carrying one gun at a time, restricted carry in establishments that serve alcohol, and have made business owners post if they allowed firearms, rather than posting if they rejected their carry in their establishment.  Illinois now joins the rest of the states in allowing some kind of concealed carry.   I’m interested in seeing how this shakes out in reciprocity.

• From the “Bad Idea” Department – A California congressman has proposed legislation that would allow lawmakers to attend sessions of Congress remotely.  While this might be more efficient in travel and office costs and might make  members of Congress a tad more responsible to their constituencies, I hope this doesn’t go far.  All it would take for someone to screw up our political system would be for them to DDOS the remote offices of swing voters when a crucial bill is up on the floor of their chamber.
• From the “Hypocracy in Action” Department – Egyptian President Morsi has pledged to stay in power despite calls from protesters in the streets of Cairo and other Egyptian cities that he step down, as well as ultimatums from the Egyptian military that he find a way to end the unrest.  Morsi appears to not want to step down because the government should not be brought down by action in the streets.  This comes from the man who replaced the guy who was taken out of office due to violent protests in the streets.  President Obama has chimed in, saying that the democratic process should always be followed.  This comes from the man who supplied Islamic rebels in Libya with a free air force to depose their dictator, has begun arming Islamic terrorists and criminals to displace their dictator, and who rhetorically supported the protesters in Egypt who deposed a stable, if harsh, long-term regime with one that has ties to terrorists.
• From the “Selling the Lie” Department – The Obama administration is apparently reaching out to librarians and sports leagues in an effort to inform citizens and other beneficiaries about the wonders of the Affordable Healthcare Act, also known as ObamaCare.  In addition, the leviathan that is the Obama political machine is cranking up to use the same resources that got the President reelected to convince us that the excrement on rye that he has foisted upon us is really Nutella on a croissant.  In related news, it appears that the employer mandate of the law is being postponed until 2015.  Funny, I wasn’t aware that the administration had the power to selectively decide when a law passed by Congress and signed by the President could come into effect.  Usually, that’s laid out in the bill, and if I remember Mrs. Olafson’s civics class, Congress is the part of the government that changes the laws.  Now, I wonder how they came to that 2015 date for enforcement of the mandate.  Is there something important in 2014 that they don’t want it to interfere with or something?
• From the “Golf Clap” Department – A letter sent to the management of an airline owned by Richard Branson, billionaire, adventurer, pioneer, and overall awesome human being, has gone viral after he put it on his twitter feed.  The amount of snark in the missive is high enough that it may gain self-direction and move to Indianapolis.  I raise my glass to its author.
• From the “Irony” Department – A plastics recycling plant in England has caught fire, billowing out tons of acrid smoke into the environment.  To think, all of those years and millions of pounds spent in an effort to keep the scourge of yogurt cups out of the ecology, and now the local wildlife is going to have black lung disease.
• From the “Evil Laugh” Department – A study published in an IEEE journal indicates that, at best, electric vehicles are no better for the environment than ordinary petroleum fueled cars and trucks.  Apparently someone actually paid attention to the pollution in third world countries caused by the manufacture of components of coal-powered cars, and has come to the conclusion that maybe they’re not the panacea that President Obama has claimed they are.  My respect for the honesty of academia actually went up today, which is quite novel.