I apologize for calling your wife a bloated warthog, and I bid you good day. – Highlander

Deescalate, deescalate, deescalate.  Nobody gets points for winning a fight they could have and should have avoided.  Your pride is not worth dying over, and it’s not worth killing over.  Protect yourself if a situation gets out of hand, but it’s always better to find a way to keep it from getting out of hand in the first place.

You know, he don’t have a straight angle in that whole god-damned porch, or the whole house for that matter. He is the worst damn carpenter.– Unforgiven

Irish Woman really has a high opinion of my skills.  She believes that I’m a competent carpenter, gardener, cabinet maker, painter, plumber, electrician, and a plethora of other DIY skill sets.  To be honest, I look at a lot of my projects, and the best I can say is that they’re not a public health and safety hazard.  One little trick I use is to always make sure to use an indelible marker somewhere on a project to put my name and the date of assembly on it.  That way when it’s replaced or fixed in a few years or decades, they’ll know who to blame for the creative engineering and bad decisions they uncover.

Note – Edited to make the last few sentences actually make sense.  Don’t blog when you’re half asleep!

Grumpy: Angel, ha! She’s a female! And all females is poison! They’re full of wicked wiles!
Bashful: What are wicked wiles?
Grumpy: I don’t know, but I’m agin’ ’em.

— Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

It took a lot of time after my divorce before I started dating again.  In fact, it was over two years from the time that my ex decided it was best that we go our separate ways until I met Irish Woman.  I knew I was angry, both at my ex and at women in general.   I recognized that if I were to have anything to do with a woman, it would not be healthy, and nobody deserved to be my emotional punching bag while I got myself together.  I wasn’t quite as abrupt about it as Grumpy, but the underlying feeling was the same.  I guess you could call it ‘irrationally applying a bad filter to all inputs from women’.

Luckily for me, Irish Woman showed me that not all women were evil, hateful things.  She showed me that I was a better man than the thing that was sitting at the bottom of my psyche.  Our relationship and family are rarely easy, but they’re definitely the best I’ve ever had.

It’s not like my mother is a maniac or a raving thing. She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?  — Psycho

Ladies, if you don’t realize that your kids have driven you at least a little batty, you’re farther gone than you think.  You are whipsawed between pride in their achievements, happiness in their joy, anger at their less than helpful behavior, and fear for their future.  You are on call for skinned knees, bonked noggins, bruised egos, hungry stomachs, and broken hearts.  You teach them to talk, to walk, to do long division and laundry, and to stand on their own two feet.

If you’re a mother that does her job, thank you.  You’re making the world a better place.  You deserve more than one day, and you deserve a heck of a lot of credit for what you do.

It’s true what they say: Cops and women don’t mix. It’s like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it’ll clean you out, but it’ll leave you hollow inside. — The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!

 

Rule number one, as one of my first leaders in the Army told me, is to not be stupid.  If only I’d listened to that advice.  Rushing into a relationship, especially one that rapidly involves children, is almost as dumb as grabbing something randomly from under the kitchen sink and taking a swig.  If someone is giving you a time limit or making an ultimatum, that’s a good hint that maybe they’re not the one for you.  If it’s worth spending the rest of your life with them, it’s worth taking an extra year or two to make sure.

Oh, that’s what everyone thinks! But kind people find out that they are cruel. Brave men discover that they are really cowards! Confronted by their true selves, most men run away screaming! — The NeverEnding Story

My harshest critic always seems to be me.  Every so often, I’ll remember something cruel or stupid that I did decades ago, and feel shame about it.  In the moments where I’m falling asleep, it’s not unusual for the day to play over in my head and I see all of the awful things I’ve done.  Every decision I make, every word I speak, every thought I have, I roll over and over until I’m sure I’m a horrid human being.

Luckily, that’s not how it is every day.  Yes, I need to be introspective, examine my motives, my behavior, and my beliefs, but I also need to see the good with the bad.  It’s a very dark place to sit when all you see is the evil that you do, and I never want to go back there.

You don’t like my plan? That’s good. Give me a another plan, but don’t tell me we’re backing out! — Volcano

I’ve never claimed to be omniscient, and I’m rarely the smartest guy in the room.  But don’t criticize my way of doing things unless you have a better idea.  I’ll listen to constructive criticism.  Whining, on the other hand, along with its cousin Paralysis, gains you nothing but derision.

My dear, never confuse efficiency with a liver complaint. — Mary Poppins

I don’t have a “resting bitch face”.  I have a “I’m tired and I’m ready to be left alone for a while” face.  Some take this as being unfriendly.  I take it as giving fair warning.

That being said, if I’m sitting there, looking like I don’t want to be messed with, and you have the manners to talk to me politely, it’s pretty good odds that I’ll break a smile, ask you to sit down, and enjoy some time with you.  Heck, if you’re at the house, I might feed you.  I just don’t advertise that service to the general public.

Of course, if I have that face, I’m backed into a corner, and I’m just staring at my cup or my food, it means I’m exhausted and really want to be left alone.  I can’t promise what happens then, but I do try to be at least polite.

Well, thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?  — Full Metal Jacket

One of the harshest lessons I ever learned is to know when I am in charge and when I am not.  It’s a skill I needed.  Some leaders want input, some don’t.  Some who do are territorial about their prerogatives, while others want their subordinates to come to the same decision as they have.  All were good leaders, but all had a different method.

That being said, the best people I ever worked for were capable of doing any of these things, and tailored their style to the particular person with whom they were dealing.  Knowing when to be a hardass, when to get input from subordinates, and when to let them run free to get to a goal is the best leadership skill, and it’s one that can only come from working for good leaders.

I believe it. My wife says, “Darling, you won’t believe it, but I found the most adorable baby on our doorstep and I’ve decided to keep it for our very own. Now you won’t believe it, but it’s got exactly my eyes and nose.” Why does she keep saying I won’t believe it? I believe it! I believe it. — Stalag 17

You have to be willing to overlook the imperfections.  Lord knows that Irish Woman is fully capable of concentrating on the positives when she looks at me.  If you spend your life looking for someone who is perfect or thinking about the ways that someone misses the mark, then you’re going to be miserable and take those around you along for the ride.