- From the “Had Enough” Department – A reindeer at a park in Nova Scotia decided to hold a pre-Christmas labor demonstration when it took out its frustrations with working conditions on Santa’s sled. The jolly old elf was overheard remarking on how he could replace Rudolph with a Maglite and some gaffer’s tape. Prancer was unavailable for comment.
- From the “Logical” Department – A man in New Jersey was arrested after the car he was riding in was pulled over by police and a gun and drugs were found in it. He, along with the other occupants of the vehicle, was charged with ‘constructive intent’. However, the man is suffering from ALS, and has no use of his arms. I guess Deputy Dawg must have thought he would use the gun and the codeine with his teeth, toes, and eyelashes.
- From the “Safe Storage” Department – A man in Wyoming was wounded when he was shot by his dog. He had placed his loaded hunting rifle on the back seat of his truck, and when the dog climbed in back, he stepped on the trigger, discharging the rifle. Stay tuned to the DaddyBear News Network for exclusive pictures of the taxidermy.
- From the “Follow-Up” Department – The family of the little boy who was horribly injured by a flash-bang grenade in a botched “no-knock” drug raid last year is currently at $1 million in medical bills and counting. The little boy required multiple surgeries after the grenade, thrown into his crib by police, injured his chest and face. Interestingly, several of the officials involved in setting up and executing the raid have resigned or retired. Here’s hoping that the family gets some satisfaction in court, and that the people who caused are brought to justice.
- From the “RIFfing on a Theme” Department – The Department of Defense has decided that several officers, who rose through the enlisted ranks, will be allowed to retire at their highest officer rank. Previously, these soldiers were going to be retired at their highest enlisted rank unless they had 8 years in as an officer, which would have robbed them of money, prestige, and benefits. In related news, Pentagon personnel officers did not wake up on December 25 to find a lump of coal in their stockings.
- From the “Bad Things” Department – A cyberattack on a German steel mill caused extensive damage to the plant after a blast furnace refused to shut down. If you’ve ever thought about worst case scenario for a workplace, I’m thinking that “malfunctioning blast furnace” is pretty high up on the list.
- From the “Interesting” Department – A scientist in Nebraska is trying to invent a working warp drive in his spare time. His garage is stuffed to the gills with equipment, and if his claims are true, then he appears to be onto something. NASA says that this technology may not be feasible for decades or more. If this works, I hope his first mission is to fly over Cape Canaveral and moon mission control.
- From the “Geniuses” Department – A couple in Florida recently spent two days in a closet they believed was locked. Tweedledee and Tweedlestoned were let out after they called police, who traced them to the closet. No word yet on what these two crazy kids will do for their next trick.
- From the “Four Rules” Department – A Kentucky police officer recently shot himself while in an elevator in the Cincinnati area. It appears that he was removing it from his holster so that he could carry it in his hand while he and his wife walked to their car in a parking garage. Somehow, the gun went off, the bullet ricocheted off the wall of the elevator, and struck the officer in the stomach. You know, if I’m parking in a place where I think I might need to be at low ready when we come back, I’m going to park somewhere else. Here’s hoping that the officer recovers quickly.
- From the “Funky Music” Department – A species of clam has been shown to use small spheres of silica on its lips to both fend off predators and attract prey. In addition, the “disco clam” excretes sulphuric acid when threatened. When a predator is nearby, the clam vibrates its shiny lips at a higher rate. The same phenomenon was found when scientists exposed the clams to songs sung by Donna Summer. The Village People were not available for comment.
- From the “I Found Sand!” Department – Archeologists in Egypt have unearthed the tomb of a queen who lived almost 5000 years ago. Artifacts found include funerary instruments and urns, a sarcophagus, and a Mitch McConnell election button.
- From the “Collectibles” Department – Elvis Presley’s jets, the “Lisa Marie” and the “Hound Dog II” are up for sale. The agreement between Graceland and the jets’ owners expires soon, and bidding is brisk to own these pieces of rock and roll history. Rumor has it that an unnamed Asian airline is in the running to win the bidding, and plans to rename the larger of the two jets the “Hunka Hunka Burning Plane”.
All posts by daddybear71
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on January 5, 2015
https://daddybearsden.com/2015/01/05/news-roundup-239/
A Request
I received the following news release from my Congressman, Thomas Massie:
U.S. Representative Thomas Massie Announces He Will Not Vote to Re-elect
Speaker BoehnerWASHINGTON, D.C. – Congressman Massie issued these reasons to support a new candidate for Speaker of the House:
For years I watched Washington from afar and suspected that something was broken. Why is it that so many people approve of their congressman, yet they consistently disapprove of Congress? During my first two years as a congressman I discovered a significant source of the dysfunction. I watched the House Leadership:
• Schedule a fiscal crisis in a lame duck session on the last legislative day before Christmas to get maximum leverage over rank and file members,
• Mislead members into thinking that a vote on an unpopular bill was postponed, only to then conduct a rushed voice vote on the $10 billion unfunded spending measure with fewer than a dozen members present,
• Give members less than 72 hours to read bills over 1,000 pages long, and
• Remove members from committees simply because they voted for the principles upon which they campaigned.
With a process this broken, is it any wonder that Washington no longer works for the people? My constituents expect better and America deserves better. On January 6th, 2015, I will vote for a new Speaker who will consistently articulate a constitutional vision for America and facilitate an inclusive and orderly legislative process that allows Congress to truly reflect the will of the people.
I’ve met Congressman Massie, and both the impression that I got from the short time I spent talking with him and what I have seen in his actions in Congress lead me to believe that what he is saying is true and that he is doing this out of a concern for the welfare of the Congress and the nation. He goes into more detail in an op-ed, published this weekend.
I ask each of you to read what Congressman Massie says in both pieces, and to consider whether you want John Boehner to continue as Speaker of the House. If you agree with me that it’s time he was replaced, or if you believe that to do so would not be in our best interest, please reach out to your Representative and let them know. They need to hear from us in order to do our bidding. Remember, apathy denotes acceptance, and silence denotes permission.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 4, 2015
https://daddybearsden.com/2015/01/04/a-request-2/
Today’s Earworm
Posted by daddybear71 on January 2, 2015
https://daddybearsden.com/2015/01/02/todays-earworm-593/
Musings
- When asked “What are your plans for the weekend?”, do not answer “Taking all the Christmas stuff, piling it up in the front yard, setting it on fire, and dancing around it drunk and naked.” Your spouse will probably not be amused.
- Another trip to the doctor due to lingering issues from last week. Apparently, some bacteria or another has decided that my lungs make a good place for a winter holiday and have taken up residence. In related news, writing a story outline when you’re on cold medicine is a lot of fun.
- The doctor who saw me today said that some strains of this year’s flu don’t present a high fever, and that they’re seeing more cases of pneumonia than normal. I wonder if that’s because people don’t go to the doctor or take their kids in until they present a fever, and that opens sick people up to more secondary infections?
- I was watching a documentary about Neanderthals tonight, and they made the case that there is at least a little of their DNA in the modern human genome. I thought about that for a moment, and decided that anyone who has met my brothers and me should not be surprised by that.
Posted by daddybear71 on January 2, 2015
https://daddybearsden.com/2015/01/02/musings-105/
Today’s Earworm
Posted by daddybear71 on January 1, 2015
https://daddybearsden.com/2015/01/01/todays-earworm-592/
What Did I Miss?
OK, 365 days of movie quotes are done. Now it’s your turn.
Leaving out movies that have been done and overdone (Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseum), what movie quotes do you like that I didn’t cover?
Posted by daddybear71 on January 1, 2015
https://daddybearsden.com/2015/01/01/what-did-i-miss-3/
Today’s Earworm
Now all the winter bells are ringing
Hear them Echo through the Snow
And the children’s voices singing
on the street so far below
This is a Time to be Together
And the Truth is somewhere here
Within our love of People
At the Closing of the Year.
I wish all of you a happy New Year, and many more to come.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 31, 2014
https://daddybearsden.com/2014/12/31/todays-earworm-580/
Musings
- Note to self – remember to take the lighter out of the fireplace before you notice that the fire is hot enough to melt said lighter.
- Make the fire cheery enough, and Irish Woman will rotate in front of it like she was on a vertical rotisserie.
- I was watching a documentary about Prohibition today, and it occurred to me that one of the things that ought to be in every prepper’s larder is a good supply of malt extract. 1001 uses.
- How to mess up domestic tranquility – Buy an exotic piece of fruit at the store, do not note the name of it, and then get irritated with your spouse when he/she cannot figure out the internet search to tell you how to cut it up and eat it.
- When making chocolate chip cookies, make sure you have chocolate chips first.
- When you don’t have chocolate chips, a half bag each of white chocolate chips and toffee bits will suffice, if you don’t mind an incredibly sweet cookie.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 31, 2014
https://daddybearsden.com/2014/12/31/musings-104/
Movie Quotes – Day 365
It is now twelve, midnight and this is station KRGR, leaving the air. — A Nightmare on Elm Street
All good things come to an end. If it’s possible, it’s better to go out on your own terms, rather than let things degrade to the point that nobody enjoys your efforts. Once something you enjoy starts being a job, or a job starts becoming just a paycheck, it’s time to go.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 31, 2014
https://daddybearsden.com/2014/12/31/movie-quotes-day-365/
Musings
- I got my first royalty payment from Amazon the other day.
- Hello, super value meal menu!
- Cue Jefferson’s theme.
- Note to self – before moving appliances and cleaning up the basement, you need more in your stomach than a glass of cranberry juice and two cups of coffee.
- Derby, the little black dog, makes the same sound when she is dreaming as someone trying to start a Fiat with a weak battery. It’s kind of weird to hear that coming through the house at 3 AM.
- I got a late Christmas present the other day. Irish Woman handed me a box of 12 gauge slugs and apologized for not putting them in my stocking.
- When shipping a copy of your book to someone for a review, it would behoove you to triple check the address to which you are shipping it.
- I’m going to start research on time travel so I can go back a couple of months and stop Irish Woman from purchasing Boo a fart gun for Christmas.
Posted by daddybear71 on December 30, 2014
https://daddybearsden.com/2014/12/30/musings-103/
DaddyBear
DaddyBear’s Den 