Good – You make two batches of vanilla extract each year. The recipe is several vanilla beans, sliced lengthwise and placed in a whiskey bottle, along with 750ml of whatever distilled alcohol you like. You usually use something neutral like vodka or moonshine, but have dabbled with different bourbons. Let soak in a dark place for four to six months, turning about once every month or so.

Also good – You just finished the latest batch of vanilla extract, filling up your ‘in-use’ bottle just before the holiday baking season. You place said bottle on the shelf above the stove for easy access when it’s needed.

Excellent – Your darling wife, the queen of your universe, hurries home from work to make dinner. Tonight’s meal was egg roll stir fry, a family favorite. During said dinner preparation, she turns on the rather strong fan above the cooktop to vent out the steam from her cooking.

Not good – The fan appears to be a little out of balance and in need of cleaning, because it started to vibrate a tad. By ‘a tad’, I mean it reached a harmonic that vibrated the extremely full bottle of homemade vanilla extract off its shelf and down onto the glass cooktop.

Good – The glass cooktop was not harmed by the impact of 750ml of homemade vanilla extract falling about 3 feet at 32 feet per second per second.

Not good – Said bottle of homemade vanilla extract did not survive its fall.

Good – The entire kitchen and eventually the entire house now smells like your grandmother’s sugar cookies.

Not good – You were a little hungry when this all happened. You move to ‘ravenous’ while you mop up the vanilla. Pavlov’s got nothing on grandma’s cookies.

Good – Nobody was harmed by the shards of glass, and the 3/4 of a liter of vanilla extract was mopped up within about 15 minutes.

Not good – The vanilla extract and broken glass splashed across about half the kitchen, including into the wok. This also includes the half liter of extract that ran down the front of the cupboards under the cooktop and into the drawers where all of your mixing bowls and all of our pans and lids are stored.

Good – You were able to get all of the glass picked/swept up without cutting yourself or anyone else, the vanilla extract puddles in various drawers was cleaned up rather quickly, and pizza can be delivered to your home.

Not good – Every single mixing bowl, pan, and pan lid you own had to be pulled from the drawers, along with the shelf liner at the bottom of the drawer, and washed to make sure that the next time you make spaghetti, it doesn’t come out smelling like vanilla ice cream topped with marinara.

Good – You were thinking you needed to replace the shelf liners anyway, so throwing the old liners out was not that big a deal.

Not good – You cannot find the roll of shelf liner you thought you had stored safely, so all of those dishes are currently sitting on your counters and kitchen table until you can go to Walmart tomorrow to buy more shelf liner.

Horrible – Your latest batch of vanilla extract won’t be ready for use until March at the earliest. You make plans to go to the restaurant supply store tomorrow to buy the biggest bottle of vanilla extract known to mankind. Your wallet is already crying softly and rocking itself in the corner of your back pocket.

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There are two modes I go through when cleaning out a closet.

The first is “Oh, I remember where we got this. Ah, memories! How could I even consider parting with this?”

The second is “Where in the $!#!$ did this come from? I have no memory of this, so I have no idea why we have it. It’s either to the garbage, recycling, or donation bin with it!”

This week, I’ve had the discipline to have the second attitude, and my closets haven’t looked this good since we moved in years ago.