- From the “Is there anything it can’t do?” Department – A recently released long-term study shows that women who consume coffee in their middle-age years have a better chance of a longer, healthier life. This contrasts with an earlier study that showed that those who interrupted middle-aged women while they have their coffee have much shorter lifespans.
- From the “Beast Mode” Department – A local news anchor in Albany, New York, delivered her morning news for several hours after her water broke and she went into labor. Amazing as this feat was, it was not the first tough-as-nails thing the young woman did during her pregnancy. She not only ran a half-marathon while pregnant, but also won the Easter weekend glass chewing contest and told Chuck Norris to “Man up and stop crying” during a televised debate on whether it was better to use a knife or your bare teeth to skin a live grizzly bear. Everyone is reportedly doing fine in her family, and she is reportedly planning to scale El Capitan next week with her young one’s pack-and-play strapped to her back.
- From the “Tastes Like Chicken” Department – Arizona snake wranglers recently ‘rescued‘ a diamondback rattlesnake with a unique pattern. Biologists suggest that the likely cause of the unique pattern was a mutation, but santeria cannot be ruled out at this time. Local officials have warned residents to be on the lookout for green light emitting from holes in the ground and the smell of brimstone in any area except Maricopa County.
- From the “Precious Cargo” Department – Texas officials had to close a highway for several hours last month after a truckload of newly-minted dimes spilled after a traffic accident. Sheriff William J. LaPetomane reported that there were only minor injuries, and that a toll booth would be erected on the site to finance improvements to the roadway.
- From the “Sprechen Sie Deutsch, Senor?” Department – Recently declassified documents in Argentina detail how Nazi fugitives paid millions in gold to the Peron government in exchange for safe harbor after the war. Argentinian officials are reportedly shocked, yes, shocked to find that the rumors of coooperation between German fascists and Argentinian fascists are true. Archivists are searching through old photographs of young men strolling through Buenos Aires in lederhosen to pinpoint exactly who was allowed into their country.
- From the “Oopsie Daisy!” Department – North Korean officials are investigating those responsible for the recent capsizing of a new destroyer as it was launched from its construction berth. The hermit kingdom’s newest coral reef is currently covered in blue tarps as thousands of ‘volunteers’ attempt to bail it out. In totally unrelated news, sattelite imagery shows several heavily guarded, large troop trains making their way from Pyongyang to the Kursk front in Russia.
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News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on June 5, 2025
https://daddybearsden.com/2025/06/05/news-roundup-267/
2 Comments
DaddyBear
DaddyBear’s Den 
Anonymous
/ June 6, 2025LOL, you’re on a roll this morning!
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daddybear71
/ June 6, 2025I’m finding that my sense of humor is starting to return.
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