- From the “Had Enough” Department – A reindeer at a park in Nova Scotia decided to hold a pre-Christmas labor demonstration when it took out its frustrations with working conditions on Santa’s sled. The jolly old elf was overheard remarking on how he could replace Rudolph with a Maglite and some gaffer’s tape. Prancer was unavailable for comment.
- From the “Logical” Department – A man in New Jersey was arrested after the car he was riding in was pulled over by police and a gun and drugs were found in it. He, along with the other occupants of the vehicle, was charged with ‘constructive intent’. However, the man is suffering from ALS, and has no use of his arms. I guess Deputy Dawg must have thought he would use the gun and the codeine with his teeth, toes, and eyelashes.
- From the “Safe Storage” Department – A man in Wyoming was wounded when he was shot by his dog. He had placed his loaded hunting rifle on the back seat of his truck, and when the dog climbed in back, he stepped on the trigger, discharging the rifle. Stay tuned to the DaddyBear News Network for exclusive pictures of the taxidermy.
- From the “Follow-Up” Department – The family of the little boy who was horribly injured by a flash-bang grenade in a botched “no-knock” drug raid last year is currently at $1 million in medical bills and counting. The little boy required multiple surgeries after the grenade, thrown into his crib by police, injured his chest and face. Interestingly, several of the officials involved in setting up and executing the raid have resigned or retired. Here’s hoping that the family gets some satisfaction in court, and that the people who caused are brought to justice.
- From the “RIFfing on a Theme” Department – The Department of Defense has decided that several officers, who rose through the enlisted ranks, will be allowed to retire at their highest officer rank. Previously, these soldiers were going to be retired at their highest enlisted rank unless they had 8 years in as an officer, which would have robbed them of money, prestige, and benefits. In related news, Pentagon personnel officers did not wake up on December 25 to find a lump of coal in their stockings.
- From the “Bad Things” Department – A cyberattack on a German steel mill caused extensive damage to the plant after a blast furnace refused to shut down. If you’ve ever thought about worst case scenario for a workplace, I’m thinking that “malfunctioning blast furnace” is pretty high up on the list.
- From the “Interesting” Department – A scientist in Nebraska is trying to invent a working warp drive in his spare time. His garage is stuffed to the gills with equipment, and if his claims are true, then he appears to be onto something. NASA says that this technology may not be feasible for decades or more. If this works, I hope his first mission is to fly over Cape Canaveral and moon mission control.
- From the “Geniuses” Department – A couple in Florida recently spent two days in a closet they believed was locked. Tweedledee and Tweedlestoned were let out after they called police, who traced them to the closet. No word yet on what these two crazy kids will do for their next trick.
- From the “Four Rules” Department – A Kentucky police officer recently shot himself while in an elevator in the Cincinnati area. It appears that he was removing it from his holster so that he could carry it in his hand while he and his wife walked to their car in a parking garage. Somehow, the gun went off, the bullet ricocheted off the wall of the elevator, and struck the officer in the stomach. You know, if I’m parking in a place where I think I might need to be at low ready when we come back, I’m going to park somewhere else. Here’s hoping that the officer recovers quickly.
- From the “Funky Music” Department – A species of clam has been shown to use small spheres of silica on its lips to both fend off predators and attract prey. In addition, the “disco clam” excretes sulphuric acid when threatened. When a predator is nearby, the clam vibrates its shiny lips at a higher rate. The same phenomenon was found when scientists exposed the clams to songs sung by Donna Summer. The Village People were not available for comment.
- From the “I Found Sand!” Department – Archeologists in Egypt have unearthed the tomb of a queen who lived almost 5000 years ago. Artifacts found include funerary instruments and urns, a sarcophagus, and a Mitch McConnell election button.
- From the “Collectibles” Department – Elvis Presley’s jets, the “Lisa Marie” and the “Hound Dog II” are up for sale. The agreement between Graceland and the jets’ owners expires soon, and bidding is brisk to own these pieces of rock and roll history. Rumor has it that an unnamed Asian airline is in the running to win the bidding, and plans to rename the larger of the two jets the “Hunka Hunka Burning Plane”.
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on January 5, 2015
https://daddybearsden.com/2015/01/05/news-roundup-239/
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DaddyBear
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Old NFO
/ January 6, 2015Snerk, love the last one!!!
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