Bart:  Hello everyone, and welcome to the program.  If you’re just joining us, DaddyBear is trying to defend both his lunch and his title in Food Defense.

Cindy:  That’s right, Bart.  DaddyBear has been the house champion in being able to sit in his chair, eat his lunch, and read a book.  But today he’s got some stiff competition.

Bart:  You bet he does.  Crash McBadKitty has been called up from the basement, and is raring to try his skills against the best.  You’ll remember Crash from the Great Pizza Incident last month, where he was able to get away with one-quarter of a large pepperoni pizza while Girlie Bear’s back was turned.

Cindy:  Bart, that play alone pushed Crash up into the major leagues, but he still has a lot to prove.  I talked to Crash this morning during breakfast warm-ups, and he says that he knows he earns his place in the food chain around here every day.  He really wants to prove he’s stealthier, sneakier, and more ruthless than any food stealer in the house.

Bart:  Thanks, Cindy.  Oh, and there goes the opening beep from the microwave.  DaddyBear is taking his lunch out of the oven.  Cindy, what do we have here?

Cindy:  Bart, DB has warmed himself up some leftovers from the other night.  Boneless pork ribs, with a side of rice pilaf.  Irish Woman really outdid herself with that meal.

Bart:  She sure did!  The whole house smelled of garlic and roast pork all evening.  Cindy, is that DB’s signature jalapeno-tomato jelly he’s slathering on right now?

Cindy:  I think so.  He’s quite fond of that recipe, and he’s taken to putting it on sandwiches as well as roasted meat.  I’m told he even uses it with peanut butter, which just goes to show how versatile a player DaddyBear is.

Bart:  That’s why he’s one of the greats.  OK, he’s retrieved cutlery and is heading to his rocking chair.  Do you think that’s wise?  The arms on that chair are kind of narrow, and it doesn’t look like he’s dragging over a table to hold his plate.

Cindy:  You’re right, Bart.  DB appears to be show-boating a bit here, but then again, he is one of the great eaters in the history of the sport.  OK, he’s down in the chair, has his tablet in one hand and is balancing the plate on his knee.  And here comes Crash!

Bart:  He’s taking a classic Siamese Death Crawl today, trying to get close without being noticed.  DaddyBear is taking the first bite of the pork, and Crash is watching every move.  He must really want that rib.

Cindy:  OK, DB has gone back to reading his book, and Crash has made it to the side of the chair.  This just goes to show that even a rookie can have expert stalking skills and technique.  OK, Crash is going up on his hind legs to see if the direct approach works, and oh, did DaddyBear shut him down.

Bart:  Wow, Cindy, DB didn’t waste any time establishing dominance in the ground game.  A stiff arm to the top of Crash’s head, then a gentle push away.  Classic technique with a successful ending.  Let’s see how the rookie recovers.

Cindy:  DB is taking a bite of the pork with some rice, while Crash is circling around to the other side of the rocking chair.  No, wait, he’s walking away.  Has he given up?

Bart:  I don’t think so, Cindy.  From down here on the playing field, it looks like Crash is going to try an aerial assault.  You know, Siamese are known for their climbing ability, and DaddyBear put himself right next to the bookcase.

Cindy:  You’re right, Bart.  Crash has ascended to the third shelf, where DB keeps his history books, and is pawing at DB’s shoulder.  Is he trying to get DB to just give him his meal?

Bart:  Stranger things have happened, Cindy.  Remember, it still counts as a win if the meal is given over, in whole or in part, willingly.  Remember how Moonshine got extra points for the soulful eyes routine when getting chicken from Girlie Bear the other night?

Cindy:  It looks like that’s just what Crash is doing, and oh, my, what a pitiful look he’s giving DB.  I’m all the way up here in the booth, and I’m ready to get a hot dog from the concessions stand and share it with this poor, starving kitty.

Bart:  Don’t let him fool you.  That cat ate a hearty breakfast, and had a snack of cat food just before coming into the living room.  This is all an act.  Crash is showing an amazing amount of skill for someone so young.

Cindy:  He sure is, Bart, but it doesn’t look like it’s working this time.  DB has picked Crash up off of the bookcase and put him back on the floor.  Yet again, the veteran shows that in this game, it’s the defense that wins everything.  DaddyBear’s about halfway done with his lunch, and Crash better get a move on if he wants to get anything but crumbs.

Bart:  Cindy, there seems to be someone else on the playing field. Oh, wow, it’s Moonshine.  You might remember that Moonshine was voted Rookie of the Year in 2012 when he came into the league, and he’s taken Crash under his paw, so to speak, as a mentor. Moonshine is on the opposite side of the chair from DB’s lunch, but he’s making a lot of noise.

Cindy:  Bart, do you see Crash?  After DB put him on the floor, he seemed to just disappear.

Bart:  That’s one of his better tricks, Cindy.  With his tan and black fur pattern, he can blend in just about anywhere in the house.  I don’t see him, but keep a sharp eye on that plate.  I bet he reappears somewhere near it.  Wait, what is DaddyBear doing?

Cindy:  Bart, it looks like he’s putting his plate down on the bookshelf!  Yes, yes he is!  That’s probably not the smartest thing he could do.

Bart:  It sure isn’t.  DB has turned his back on a plate of food when Crash is on the prowl, and he better hope that his opponent is completely out of position for the interception.  DB’s turning to Moonshine, probably to tell him to go lie down.

Cindy:  Bart, I see Crash!  He’s up on the bookshelf again, and is moving slowly toward the plate.  He’s inching his way forward.  Oh, there’s the butt wiggle.  That’s the universal feline signal for “Say goodbye to your lunch!”

Bart:  Cindy, DB is fully engrossed in telling Moonshine to let him eat his food.  Moonshine has whipped out his trademark big brown eyes, but DB isn’t falling for it this time.

Cindy:  OK, Crash is on the move again.  He’s 10 inches away.  Five.  Two.  And yes!  He has the pork rib!

Bart:   Cindy, did you see DaddyBear jump when the plate went crashing to the floor?  Here, I’ll put it up on the big screen.  There goes the pork, then you see here where Crash tips the plate off the shelf with his back paw.  That’s a classic “Screw you and your rice too!” maneuver.  See how expertly he does this. Not a grain of rice comes off the plate as it falls, but then it flips over onto the hardwood floor at the last moment.  Truly one of the best takeaways I’ve seen all season!

Cindy:  Bart, Crash is moving like his hair was on fire.  DB has completely abandoned his plate, and is trying to trap Crash under the rocking chair.  Wait, Moonshine has done an end-around on DB, and has his head under the chair!  What’s he doing?

Bart:  It looks like he’s getting paid.  Crash took about a third of that rib with him as he ran away, but the rest is under the chair.  And there it goes.  I tell you, nobody can scarf down a piece of meat like a Labrador Retriever.

Cindy:  Bart, if DB isn’t careful, he’s going to get a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct.  He’s cussing a blue streak, and he’s already getting a warning look from Irish Woman.

Bart:  It looks like DB won’t have to worry about that, because he’s just given up!  He’s picking up the plate and fork, and is pointing to the pile of rice on the floor.  Yes, Moonshine has pounced on it, and DB is stalking off the field.  Let’s see if we can get him to talk to us.

Bart:  DB, DB, can you give us a few words?

DaddyBear:  Probably nothing you can put on the air, Bart.  I screwed up big time back there.  I hope those fool animals are full, because that was the last treat they’ll be getting for a long time.

Bart:  DB, is there anything you learned from today’s match?

DaddyBear:  You bet there is.  “Man’s best friend” my eye!  Those varmints were working together on this!  I’m going to complain to the league!  Now let me go make a peanut butter sandwich.

Bart:  Thanks DB!  Enjoy that dry, mealy sandwich when you were expecting moist, succulent roast pork.  Cindy, I think that’s all for us here.

Cindy:  You’re right, Bart.  A tested veteran falls to the skills of a rookie and the distractions of man’s best friend.  Let’s take it back to the studio with Ralph and JaQuan for post-game analysis.