- From the “Conduct Unbecoming” Department – Two police officers in Florida are under investigation after a traffic stop. It seems that ainternal affairs officer was stopped by a patrol officer, and somehow that ended up in fisticuffs. It is notable that the officer who made the traffic stop has been suspended, not the officer that failed, at first, to stop for him. I wonder what would happen if I refused to stop for a LMPD traffic officer, then got into a fist fight with him. I’d probably be safe to say he wouldn’t end up with a suspension while I got to go about my business.
- From the “Darwin Award” Department – A man in Utah died recently when he walked into a burning effigy of a character from “Where the Wild Things Are”, a children’s book and how-to manual on running away from home. If you’re looking for an example of “tripping balls”, here you go. Organizers maintain that their staff did nothing wrong and tried hard to keep people from waltzing into a bonfire shaped like a great horned beast. They say they plan to modify their event, though, and will try to appeal to a more mature audience next year. Their plan is to move away from effigies of characters from children’s books, and go with Tom Clancy effigies instead.
- From the “Four Rules” Department – A Michigan woman recently shot herself in the face with a shotgun when she slammed its butt into the floor to make a point. Just goes to show that you have to break two rules (Always loaded, never point) to get someone hurt. I wish the lady a speedy recovery so that she can continue to be a bad example to others.
- From the “When Foodies Attack” Department – A man was arrested at an upscale grocery store in Massachusetts when he went on a rampage of throwing cayenne pepper at other customers. Authorities responded to the incident and deployed their tactical ZYDEKO (Zomething You Don’t Even Know Of) squad, who took the man into custody. The man has been charged under the state’s draconian weapons laws, and may face a long term in prison for use of a chili to cause bodily harm and possession of spicy food without a permit.
- From the “Assault Chiclets” Department – Another Massachusetts man is under arrest after allegedly attacking an employee of a pizza restaurant with a gumball machine. The man asserts that the attack was justified because the clerk had the temerity to disrespect him by giving back his money and giving him the pizza he ordered. President Obama has responded by flying into Boston, playing a round of golf with Deval Patrick, sitting down with both men to drink a Narragansett, and decrying the proliferation of assault bubblegum machines in our country. Bazooka Joe Biden was not available for comment.
- From the “Time on His Hands” Department – A man in New York has spent half a million dollars to convert the basement of his home into a mock-up of the starship Enterprise. When I first read the story, my first thought was that he had to be single, but it seems he does, indeed, have a wife. Amazingly enough, reports from confidential sources lead me to believe that the happy couple has succeeded in consummating their marriage, a rare accomplishment for uber-geeks such as this. I raise my glass of Romulan ale to you, master of the U.S.S. RootCellar. May the dilithium crystals in your sump pump never fracture.
- From the “Call to Glory” Department – 14,000 men recently received threatening letters, which demanded that they sign up for the Selective Service. Unfortunately, all of the prospective draftees are dead, having been born in the late 1800’s. Then again, this may be an indicator of how President Obama will keep our armed forces up to the many missions they do around the world while he guts the active component like a trout. A division of undead World War I veterans would be pretty impressive. Heck, maybe they’ll sing some of my zombie cadences.
- From the “Sign of the Times” Department – Authorities in New Jersey are outraged when the memorial for a man who was shot by police after killing a policeman is larger and visited more often than the memorial for the officer he murdered. I guess ‘keeping it real’ includes mourning a murdering son of a bitch, who told witness that he was going to be “famous”. I give police a lot of grief, but I still, for the most part, hold them in higher esteem than I do the criminals. Maybe I’m just not ‘real’ enough.
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News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on July 15, 2014
https://daddybearsden.com/2014/07/15/news-roundup-222/
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2 Comments
DaddyBear
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Geodkyt
/ July 15, 2014Ref: “Call to Glory Department”
Don’t you just love Y2K bugs from the 19th Century?
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daddybear71
/ July 15, 2014Now that you mention it, yep, I do.
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