- From the “Statistical Analysis” Department – Police officers in Memphis have been calling in sick to protest changes to their health insurance. Apparently hikes in premiums and other measures are causing an epidemic of the Blue Flu. I see this as an opportunity. I hope someone is taking the time to compare crime rates of the past few days versus the same time last year. If 1 out of 4 police officers don’t come in to work and the crime rate doesn’t change, then I think we could safely say the taxpayers of Memphis don’t need 1 out of 4 police officers on the payroll.
- From the “Antediluvian” Department – Paleontologists in the Silicon Valley have unearthed a horde of fossilized remains at the construction site of a new dam. Reports of what has been found has sent a surge of excitement through the scientific world. Rumor has it that remnants of a PDP-11, the tape drive from a Commodore PET, and a complete skeleton of a NeXT desktop are included in the trove. Steve Wozniak was unavailable for comment.
- From the “Dafuq?” Department – The Environmental Protection Agency, known more for its harassment of citizens than for working to clean up anything lately, has decided that it has the power to garnish the wages of those who displease it. Apparently a bullying federal agency with a proven track record of abuse needs just one more tool in its kit so that it can bring about the environmental utopia we all so desperately want and need. Remember, kids, this is the same federal agency that was coaching people in how to sue the federal government to get things like cattle ranching in places with grass and water declared an environmental crime. I’m sure this new power will never be abused by, say, garnishing the wages of someone who refuses to roll over and expose their soft underbelly when challenged by the EPA, thereby taking away the resources they could use to hire a good lawyer and sue the EPA.
- From the “Trendsetter” Department – Kim Jong Un, glorious leader of the DPRK and successor to the talents of the Kim Family Singers, is yet again making waves in society. At a recent gathering, he was seen walking with a slight limp, and he has set the world of the hermit kingdom on fire. Hordes of North Korean men have been seen in public squares working on their limp, and some have had to be told to tone it down so to not do it better than their dictator. Reports that those who choose to not limp or are not very good at it are being thrown, along with three generations of their family, into prison camps, have not been confirmed.
- From the “Bad Things” Department – It’s amazing what you can find when you clean out that junk closet in the basement. Things like old sweatshirts, mix tapes from that road trip to Rome in 1993, and of course, freeze-dried smallpox virus from the 1950’s all seem to turn up. Apparently several sealed vials of virus were kept in a storage room at a government research facility for decades, and nobody found them until very recently. Scientists are not sure if the virus is still infectious after so long at room temperature, but we’ve all seen enough movies and television to know that this is how the end of the world pandemic starts. To me, it’s troubling that not only were these vials unaccounted for, but nobody even knew they existed until 1-800-GOTJUNK found them. If this stuff is lying around, what else is out there just waiting for some research intern to open it and taste it to see what it contained? (Yes, I’ve seen that happen. Luckily for him, it was only saline. The things you see as an IT geek.)
- From the “Beatdown” Department – An elderly woman in Texas survived a home invasion by hitting her assailant with a stick and throwing a pot of boiling water on him. She seems to be doing fine, and police are on the lookout for anyone who comes to an emergency room with bruises and burns. I kind of hope this guy is not found, because you know he told his fellow miscreants about the incident, and he will forever be known as the guy who got his ass beat and his butt boiled by an old lady. Some fates are worse than death.
- From the “Catastrophe” Department – A truckload of Red Bull energy drink was lost the other day when its driver got into an accident, spilling the high-test jitter juice on the roadway. Nobody was hurt in the accident, although one of the drivers was cited. In related news, wildlife officials in Florida have released video of alligators breaking land speed records.
- From the “Man’s Best Friend” Department – A Georgia man was recently arrested after he told police officers that he left his dog in a hot car with an open can of gasoline because the dog drove him to the store. Rover was removed from the car with no apparent injuries, but did refuse a field sobriety test and was taken away by animal control.
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on July 9, 2014
https://daddybearsden.com/2014/07/09/news-roundup-221/
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