• From the “Anywhere, Anytime” Department – A Spanish tourist in New York is recovering after being bashed in the head with a hammer.  The man was sitting on a park bench* when for no apparent reason his attacker started beating him about the head and shoulders with a hammer.  Since this is New York, I expect to see Al Sharpton protesting Home Depot, while Mayor Bloomberg holds press conferences demanding that Black and Decker make design changes to their hammers to prevent such things from happening.
• From the “Big Brass Ones” Department – A group of men did something that I have never heard of before back in 1957:  They stood directly underneath a nuclear explosion and lived to tell the tale.  Not only did they stand on ground zero for the bomb, but they wore no protective gear.  Just goes to show how little people knew about nuclear weapons back in the day, but then if you walked into a place where a bunch of young American men congregate today and challenged them to stand 10,000 feet under a nuclear explosion, I don’t think you’d have trouble filling that roster.
• From the “Aw Hell” Department – Scientists are warning about the latest flu pandemic threat.  What is different this time is the source of the pestilence:  harbor seals.  That’s right, Slappy the Seal might be spreading the latest mass illness.  I look forward to even more interrogations from my doctor about the seal flu shot this year.
• From the “Your Taxes at Work” Department – The United States government spent $200 million on facilities to train Iraqi policemen in a program that is now being abandoned.  Overall, almost $8 billion has been spent to provide the Iraqi people with a competent police force.  Apparently we might have had a better return on that investment if we’d just put 8 billion dollars in one dollar bills through a shredder then used the resulting confetti to hold a ticker tape parade in Baghdad.  At least then we would have sold beer and tee shirts.
• From the “We Have A Winner” Department – A member of the Romney campaign team is apologizing to reporters after he told them to “show some respect”, “kiss my ass”, and “shove it” as they shouted questions at Romney as he left the Polish Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.  I think Mr. Romney may have found his running mate. He could sit back and be the staffer make comments about Joe Biden’s mother while he questions the heritage and marital status of reporters’ parents.  Hey guys, how about you observe and report the news instead of making the news, OK?

*It is unknown whether or not snot was running down his nose at the time of the attack.