- From the “Classy” Department – PETA, which to my surprise is not an acronym for People Eating Tasty Animals, is taking bets on how long Senator Grassley of Iowa will live now that he has come out against a Department of Agriculture newsletter that urged employees to give up meat on Mondays. I might start taking bets on how slowly human beings, as a species, give up meat as an important part of their diet. Don’t get me wrong. I love vegetarians. Some of my favorite dishes are made from vegetarians. Heck, every fall I go out in the woods looking for vegetarians just so I can invite them back to my house so they can live in my freezer.
- From the “Mystery Mammal” Department – A woman in New York is questioning the official explanation for a strange carcass she and some friends came upon during a stroll along the East River. Police say it was a leftover pig from a cookout, while the pictures don’t seem to look much like a pig. After looking at the pictures, I’m not sure what it is, but something tells me that the nice men from the Monster Control Bureau might be involved. I wonder what the PUFF is on the rare North American SchweinHund?
- From the “Shocked Face” Department – The union that represents agents of Immigration and Customs Enforcement is asserting that illegal immigrants are now using the recently announced implementation of the yet-to-be-approved-by-Congress Dream Act as a get-out-of-jail-free card. The union claims that agents are being told to release anyone arrested for immigration violations if they claim to have been here since they were a minor, such as saying that they went to school in the United States. I for one am shocked that given the choice of lieing to a federal agent and and walking away or facing prison time and eventually deportation, these men and women are choosing to claim that their parents brought them to this country while they were still suckling babes, even if some of them may have crossed the border last Tuesday.
- From the “Losing Altitude and Air Speed” Department – The U.S. economy grew at a pretty weak rate in the last quarter. Instead of the robust growth that Fearless Leader has been pointing us toward lo these many years, it grew at an anemic 1.5%. Well, at least my 401K is keeping up with GDP, sort of. When asked for comment, the White House responded “Hope and Change! Good times are just around the corner! Who are you going to believe, me or your lieing eyes?”. Is it just me, or does the feeling in the gut you get when you think about the economy like the one you get just as the roller coaster starts to go over into that first big drop?
- From the “Gun Free Zone” Department – Three men are under arrest after driving into a Jewish summer camp, causing property damage, and threatening campers and staff. This goes to show a difference between American Jews and Israelis. Something tells me that driving your truck into a kibbutz in Israel, causing damage, and threatening to kill its inhabitants wouldn’t end well for these guys. I believe the police report would have included the phrase “nice grouping”.
- From the “Play Stupid Games” Department – The head of the insurance agency that insures Pennsylvania State University is moving to keep his company from having to pay off on any claims against PSU for the damage done by its failure to report Jerry Sandusky to authorities. I think this makes sense. The university didn’t tell their insurer they were shielding a serial child molester, so the insurer shouldn’t be responsible for paying out the expected hundreds of millions of dollars in fines and settlements. Hopefully PSU has to sell off their football stadium to pay for this. It’s not like they’ll be putting it to much good use for a long time.
- From the “Riverine Submarine” Department – Researchers in Canada believe that they have found a sunken German U-Boat sunken in a river more than 60 miles from the ocean. German officials are asking that if indeed it is a submarine from World War II that it be left alone as a war grave. I look forward to finding out if this is indeed a sb, and if so, which one it is. Of course, we may never know how it ended up where it is, but I’m sure a B movie from Hollywood is already in the works. Also, wouldn’t “Riverine Submarine” make a great name for a psychedelic band?
- From the “Stairway to Heaven” Department – Workers at a BART station in San Francisco had to call in a hazmat team recently when they discovered that a large pile of human feces was gumming up the works on an escalator they were working on. Apparently this is a common problem in BART stations, as homeless people use them as sleeping areas and toilets after the stations are closed down for the night. For those of you playing at home, this is going on the board as reason number 81204571 that I will not move back to the Bay Area. Imagine the poor bastard who has to put on the white vinyl suit a couple of times a week to go in and clean up yet another pile of night soil that’s been sitting in the summer heat and San Francisco damp.
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News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on July 27, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/07/27/news-roundup-142/
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