• From the “Justice” Department – A federal jury has found a soldier guilty of plotting to bomb his fellow soldiers and then kill any survivors.  PFC Naser Abdo was AWOL from his unit at Fort Campbell, Kentucky, when he was arrested in Killeen, Texas.  His plan was to put a bomb in a crowded restaurant and then shoot anyone who escaped the blast.  Abdo had applied for conscientious objector status because he believed that his Muslim faith would prevent him from being a soldier.  He was later charged with possession of child pornography and then ran from Fort Campbell on his way to Fort Hood.  Since he’s been captured, he’s been spitting blood and other body fluids at guards and claiming that he has HIV, necessitating the need to wear a mask in court.  I say he got off easy, and I hope he spends a long time staring at concrete walls.  He’s lucky he wasn’t given to the military for a court-martial.

• From the “Yeehaw!” Department – President Obama recently took aim at his opponent, Mitt Romney, in a speech in Iowa.  He invoked such rustic images as “cowpies” and “prairie fires”.  As a proud son of the northern prairie, I now have a new low in my respect for a man whose only prior experience with cows was when he stopped to take a piss at an Arby’s.*  This is the Democrat version of Romney trying to connect with Southern voters by saying he liked grits.  Do these people really think we’re that stupid?

• From the “Good for Them” Department – The Ukrainian parliament shut down recently after a brawl between its members over a bill that would allow ethnic Russians to speak Russian when dealing with the government.  I hate to see that someone got hurt and that there is strife in a semi-ally like the Ukraine, but it’s probably for the best that their government is in gridlock.  Imagine how much better our lives would be if our government really deadlocked every so often and couldn’t pass new laws.

• From the “Follow-Up” Department – A few days ago, I commented on an auction that included a vial of President Reagan’s blood.  The auction house that had the vial has donated it to the Reagan Foundation, which pledges to keep it out of the public’s hands.  I think that’s the best course of action.  Who knows what evil libertarian scientist would have gotten hold of it and cloned an army of Reagans. We would have had chaos in the streets as they encouraged people to be proud of their country and to be responsible for themselves.  Imagine the horror!

• From the “Lawndart” Department – A British man has survived dropping 2,400 feet from a helicopter without a parachute.  However, he did have a wing suit, which allowed him to do a flying squirrel imitation and land gently.  When asked for comment, all he could exclaim was “Hokey Smoke!“

• From the “Cute Animal” Department – A penguin that has been missing for two months in Tokyo has been returned to his home.  No word on where the prodigal penguin has been, but reports are that he was found with several new tattoos in badly spelled English and a shirt that read “I visited the Ginza and all I got was this lousy tee shirt”.

*Yes, I stole that joke from George Carlin.