This is just for the people of Louisville, Kentucky, and those who live in the immediate area.
This Saturday, starting at about 5 AM, school buses will be travelling through our neighborhoods. If you were out driving in Louisville today, please wait for one at the corner nearest your home and get on it.
You will be taken to the new downtown arena, where coffee, cold water, and light snacks will be available for your enjoyment. Starting at 8 AM, Mr. Torkelson, the long-suffering gym teacher who was also my high school drivers education instructor, will be presenting his entire curriculum, including a showing of “Blood Runs Red on the Highway”. Mr. Torkelson has graciously agreed to come out of retirement. This should take a few hours, so please plan accordingly.
Following a quick break for lunch, which will be catered by local sandwich shops, we will all sit down and re-take our drivers license written tests. If you pass the test, you will then be taken outside to re-take the on-the-road test in a car that will be provided by the local used car dealers. Yes, you will be parallel parking, merging onto a highway, and changing lanes. Some of you might need to put in a little practice and study time in the next couple days.
Failure to pass either of these tests will cause immediate, permanent revocation of your license to operate a motor vehicle. Sorry, there is no make-up or re-test. This is your last chance.
I am sorry that this drastic step must be taken, but the fact that I felt the need to speak horrible profanities at you so often today while driving to and from work that I started repeating myself when I ran out of unique identifiers for y’all shows that a little re-training is in order. Oh, and driving without a license has become an offense punishable by summary execution, along with most moving violations, including a new one “Driving While Stupid”.
See y’all on Saturday!